 |
Because his nickname for
me is Princess |
I was going to Tumblr this, but since we've been deficient in our blog posts, what with the moving and stuff, I decided to just put it here.
It was a day. Terrible day.
James (The Boyfriend) was upset all day, most of it anyway, and so just as he and "Ten" woke up she "ran"/switched out, sensing she was not going to want to deal with whatever what was going to happen today, and so she switched with Melody who spent the better part of two hours skillfully dealing with The Boyfriends issues (and tantrum, and tears), then later, after a brief switch with Ivy I got the rest of the day...which turned out to be shitty.
Like yesterday, we waited too long to have our first meal of the day...yesterday was about 4pm before we ate our first meal, which was fine for whoever was here yesterday...but today we didn't get to eat until about 6pm, and so I wanted more food after...because as Brooke will tell you, I am a "fat piggy pig", because I love food so much, and when I am sad, or stressed, I tend to want to eat more...unlike the rest of them, like Catherine, who when stressed/paranoid doesn't like to eat at all, or Emmie, who doesn't like to eat no matter what, unless it's cantaloupe, pineapple or salad...we know why that is, but I don't feel comfortable talking about why that is.
So today sucked because...well...it's too hard to explain, but it was food related this evening...and there was a lot of crying, and me telling The Boyfriend about how it was easier before him because we had a system, which was salads, small amounts of food, and wine until Friday night - then Friday dinner, Saturday dinner and Sunday meals I got to eat what I wanted; And I was okay with that, even if it meant we go to the grocery store other nights of the week and I cry because I want things I can't have. Now we eat regular meals, which means even if the one of us out front/executive. doesn't want to eat, they do, because it's what we are "supposed" to do, particularly now that we are living with The Mother again, and then I don't ever get the food I like/want.Guess I am also a spoiled brat or something.
The real problem is that me saying so often (often being about once half the time I am here) that things were easier before him (The Boyfriend), or talking about how things used to be before him, makes him feel...sad. Then he cries, and unlike Melody, who is not affected by his crying, it makes me sad, and makes me cry, then whoever is in our co-consciousness is mean to me, and calls me names, and tells me to stop being mean, OR laughing at me because I made The Boyfriend upset, and then she calls me a fat pig, and other mean things, and says he is a wimp and he's not going to stick around because we will never be the kind of girlfriend he is looking for because we are a mess, and he's not going to be able to deal with us, like he says he wants to, "forever".
I can't help it. I am sad because I don't love him (but I do like him, and like to spend time with him), and I don't want to mess up our relationship for the others, because they love him, some of them dearly...and I know what can happen if you mess things up around here for the rest of us...and The Other Girl is gone...but you know what? What happens to personlities when they are made to go away? It's not like normal death...and who knows what that is like...but what happened to The Other Girl when we elimated her from us? I don't want to find out first hand.
Anyway...stress does weird things to me, I guess...or not so weird because I know that when people are stressed sometimes they eat. I've/We've managed to put on some weight in the last few months (The Mother thinks it a good thing, and Angry Brother hasn't seen us in awhile, but he said the weight loss is making us age faster, which is fine because even though we are physically 32, we can easily pass for 26), and almost none of us happy about that, so we're on a diet...and so far we have six and a half pounds to lose, which probably doesn't seem like a lot to most people...but to us it's a slippery slope bewtween that and gaining 30 (or the amount we gained and didn't realize we had gained before we went on a diet and lost 100 pounds). During culianry school we had put on over 30 pounds and didn't even resalize it, and while we lost it all, plus more...we still know...and we still feel like crap, and we can feel when we have gained a couple of pounds, and often I get blamed. I hate us all being so in touch with our body...I want to be happy just the way I am.
I'm very sad tonight, and I wish I could go on Twitter, but none of my Tweets will be any good, and I will probably make James sad if I play online more tonight.
~Cassandra
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Some helpful terminology imported from our public blog where we do our mapping therapy (http://wearejcmf.blogspot.com/) which is currently not being worked on due to massive life stress...but hopefully soon we will, because "Ten" hasn't been added yet, even though we know a lot about her already, thanks to James/The Boyfriend.
DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER A.K.A MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: TERMINOLOGY
Personality Specifics:
Alter: alter states, selves, parts (a subjective term); distinct personalities; fragments alternate personality, personality state, ego state or identity with its own unique perspectives, abilities, memories or other traits that differ from the Host or Executive personality.
The Core: The original birth personality.
Host: is the alter personality who dominates the control of the body most of the time and is often unaware of the other personalities. The host is usually the alter personality who will initiate after experiencing symptoms of mental distress, such as, anxiety, triggers or recovered memories.
Executive: When a personality (alter ego) has control of the body.
Switch: To switch from one personality to another. The process of an alter coming out from the subconscious mind into the consciousness mind while the other alter (who was already in the consciousness mind) slips back into the subconscious mind.
Who's out? A common question used to determine which personality is executive or host.
Co-conscious(ness): (The Core) A state of being aware of what the other personalities are doing and saying.
Other Terms:
Acquired: Anything that is not present at birth but develops some time later. In medicine, the word "acquired" implies "new" or "added." An acquired condition is "new" in the sense that it is not genetic (inherited) and "added" in the sense that was not present at birth.
Triggers: Hysterical conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; re-experienced again.
Dissociation: In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
Re-live: A total memory recall (includes visual, emotional, physical and all other senses).
Losing time: Also known as a Dissociative Fugue, is the period of which an alter personality is in the subconscious mind and has no recollection of the time that is being utilized by the alter personality who is occupying the conscious mind. Therefore when the alter switches into the conscious mind they realize that minutes, hours, days, or even months and years have passed since they were last aware of time.
System: is the structure of relationships between the alter personalities who live within the internal world of a survivor with D.I.D.! Every system is created and operates in it's own unique way, just like every family living in their own homes run their households different from the next door neighbour.
Inner (Self) Helper: is usually the alter personality who has a good understanding of the system and how it works. The I.S.H. is also among the typical group of helpers or protector personalities.
Grounding: is the process of disrupting a dissociative episode and is accomplished by tugging on an earlobe, rubbing the hands together, or shuffling the feet back and forth. This type of physical stimuli can bring the survivors mind back to awareness of their surroundings, and helps to make them feel less animated.
(these terms are pulled from a wide array of sources throughout the internet and are ones we choose to use in writing, on occasion, to talk about the things that happen in our lives)
But, it's done, this time, it's clean...we will never be back there again. Tomorrow, all going to plan, we meet with a real estate agent and asses the damage on the property we've been renting for a year, but tonight. Tonight we drink on a comfy bed in a local hotel, and watch cable (we haven't watched TV in over a year)...hopefully catch some Halloween specials on TV...maybe something with giant rabbits.
This video contains A LOT of scenes containing blood, graphic violence, gore, death...you know, all the right fixin's for Halloween.
