Monday, May 23, 2011

To Send, or Not To Send...The E-Mail Is The Question

Lost? Catch up: 


It's not much, but it's an update for today on the Fuck Face Situation...
We went into work today mostly because we ran out of coffee, when we woke up we thought, “Naw, let’s not go in”, but one check in the freezer for coffee beans and we realized we forgot to buy more at the grocery store yesterday, and the stores where we live are closed today. So, hopping in the shower and donning the most casual, yet put together outfit we could manage, which was pretty much all black clothing with a pair of jeans, and our black and white Airwalks, we headed off to work.

Important Boss told us we looked fancy today, when we intercepted him at the front of the building. That gave us a little encouragement, so we meandered around work stopping one of the “offices” to chat with Fabulous People and find out how her weekend had gone. We generally don’t talk to her much on the weekend, though we had texted her an updated view on the evolution of our newest painting, because it had changed so much since she has seen it Thursday.

Fuck Face was surprised to see us, or as we like to say, pretend-surprised because we figured he knew we were coming in. He knows pretty much everything that gets posted by us on Twitter, and our Facebook, because he’s go his own little stalker tendencies; it’s how he knows about our #barnliving hashtag…which we’re trying to figure out how to use more, just to fuck with him.



Some of our top #BarnLiving remarks....

There were a lot of people milling about work so we had to work on trying to get him distanced enough from the people so we could talk to him without being overheard too much because nobody, aside from Fabulous People, knows anything about his situation – despite the fact that our blog address is well known.

“So” we said, as we sipped our coffee “How was your weekend?”

He tells us how it sucked but “I made a chair out of bales, so now I can sit in that and read.”

“You should get an extra blanket to put over it, so it’s more comfortable. Or” we say, “you could go to the thrift store and get some pillows to put under your bum, so it’s cushy.” We grin at him. We find it hilarious that he lets us talk to him the way we do, but we’ve always found that to be one of the best parts of the relationship we have with him, since it’s very first days.

“Well. That’s …interesting advice” he says, and gives us an amused look; he think's we are both amusing and strange; and he enjoys this about us. We really can’t blame him for thinking we are strange, but we expect anger at some point for what we’ve done, especially when we make light of the situation and poke fun at him about it.

We begin to walk and tell him that we only believe half of what he tells us about this situation, half of the time. “So that must mean I believe you a quarter of the time” we say “but who knows, we’re not good at math and fractions” we laugh and walk away to go talk to other people.

Over the next few hours he tells us how he walked a lot this weekend, around the property, along the creek, into town; how he went to a local bar and ate some food, got some beer, and then went back to the barn, drank and passed out. How he spend a lot of time in the barn thinking.

“Thinking about what you’ve done?” we asked.

He makes a joke about thinking about some of the things he’s done that we’re pretty enjoyable to think about, as he looks at us a dirty grin spreads across his face. We can’t help but grin back.

He goes off to take care of some business and when we meet up with him later we are leaning against a counter, him and us, and we ask him how things are at home as we continue to down the coffee we are drinking.

He says when he looks at the house he gets vibes that knives are pointing out at him, but over the last couple of days he hasn’t had that vibe, which he figures is a good sign. We think he is pretty imaginative. He says nobody has come by the property to talk to her, she hasn’t seen her parents.

“She’s probably on the phone with people” we say. He agrees. We ask about whether or not they are talking to each other yet. It’s been over two weeks now since the night he told her about our affair.

“I’ve started telling her what I’d like, in the letters I’m writing to her” he is referring to the only method of communication he has told us he has with her, since she will not talk to him; the letters he writes her every day, to ask how she is, and how work is going. He does not know if she is even reading them, she gives him no indication, even on the rides into work in the mornings.

“And what is it that you tell her you want? Back into the house?” we ask.

He says that yes, both literally and metaphorically he wants back into their house and so he writes that.

“You know” we say, “You might want to think about your actions on Friday, and how that works with what you say you want.” We also tell him that he’s playing with fire, trying to tempt us in the way he did on Friday. He agrees, he looks a bit uncomfortable when we bring up Friday.

He has no excuse for us and doesn’t say much. We chat about non-issues and he asks what we are up to for the rest of the day. We say drinking and eating pizza, but indicate that we’re not so happy with this activity for the third day in a row.

He asks what we’d rather be doing, and we say any number of things and give him a look. We really would love to go for drinks with him, just to spend time with him and talk about books, life, things…he knows it. We know he'd like to do the same. Friends; at the end of the day we are friends.

When most of the place is cleared of people we stand against another counter and he walks up to us.

“Two of the top 5 things we’d rather be doing involve you” we say, referring to our previous conversation.

“Two?’ he asks, giving us a smirk.

“One of them being drinking, the other one being something we’re not supposed to be doing” we say to him. “But you should know,” we continue, “you really are playing with fire when you do what you did on Friday. You are not always dealing with me and you know that.” We explain to him that there’s one of us that does not care about destroying his life,  that while the rest of us like him, “She’s a bit of a sociopath” we say, and we explain that we try to keep her hidden but we can’t always control her. She will, in fact, destroy his marriage if he is not careful.

He tells us sometimes he doesn’t know who he is dealing with and uses many descriptors to refer to some of us. We know it is confusing; we all share a range of emotions, because we are different people, all with human emotions, so sometimes it is hard to tell. He says it's hard because it's the same package they all come in.

“Do you have a name for her?” he asks us, meaning the semi-sociopathic personality within our system.

“Her name is Melody” we say. He says her name.

We talk to him about our mapping briefly, the attempt to sort our all of the people living within us, and tell him if he wants he can see it, our map. He responds with “You said I’m not allowed to read your blog anymore”; we’ve told him that so many times only to find out he had been reading it, that we only half believe he has stopped in the first place.

“It’s a different blog” we say, “we have four now” and as we name them, he counts them off with his fingers, and we know he has visited them all. He is such a terrible liar; it’s the only reasons we believe the things about living in a barn that we have, because he’s so bad at deception – at least with most of us.

We get back to the matter at hand and tell him that we have his wife’s e-mail address, so if he continues to do things like he did on Friday after we had drinks, we may end up sending her an e-mail. “We can make her decision easier for her to make” we say.

Somehow he does not appear threatened by this; or worried. It just works further to confuse us and makes us wonder what is going on in that bald little head of his. If he wants us to pull the trigger, he need only ask, but we know his style is not that…he’ll just keep pushing the boundaries until we crack and destroy his life.

We mean it this time. If he does it again, what he pulled on Friday with our little alley tour, she’s getting an e-mail from us, and it won’t be coming from Melody – it will be coming from Frank, from me; and it’s going to be more than an apology letter – The Wife will know he’s been trying to temp us further.

Of course, we will draft it and send it to him first, just for the heads up – as a courtesy. We’re just that nice.

Someone has suggested that he may just have her change her e-mail address; fortunately it is her law office e-mail, so in order for her to change it she would have to have a good reason, and be very inconvenient – she probably has business cards. Furthermore, courier service is always a good way to get a message across, and she can’t very well quit her job at the law firm.

For someone who is really stuck between a rock and a hard place, and that is living in a barn (#barnliving) because of our affair, it seems rather funny that he is both telling us he is trying to convince his wife he wants back in the house, while simultaneously trying to get us to take advantage of him in an alley.

Given the nature of how we started our affair, him “giving us permission” to take any steps we wanted, it is like he is trying to abolish any responsibility, all the while forgetting that his mere participation as a married man is a huge portion of his responsibility in our affair.

He’s not making it easy for us to resist him. We don’t know what he wants. Some of our male readers and Twitter followers who have been in situations such as this are trying to convince us that he is confused, that he loves us; otherwise he wouldn’t be bothering to give us the time of day, let alone going for drinks with us, given that we forced his hand in revealing to his wife that he had been having an affair.

We get the impression that while he may certainly like us, there is something going on that we can’t put our finger on; while it capriciously hovers over our computer mouse, ready to click on the send button of an e-mail that could permanently change his life forever.

He shouldn’t be messing with a loaded weapon that’s being pushed into a corner. Really. Shouldn't.

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For the month of May, Mental Health Awareness Month, we will be posting this at he bottom of each of our entries, to help provide additional information about us, and about Dissociative Identiry Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.

10 Things You Should Know About US That MIGHT Surprise YOU:
  1. We used to be a Baptist missionary (yeah, can you fucking believe that shit?!) [we are NOT religious]
  2. We were once married (didn’t last long) [one of our stories talks about him]
  3. We have had nearly 30 physical addresses in 30 years, mostly as an adult (nothing could contain us in the early days) [we actually own a house, but choose not to live in it]
  4. We’ve lived in 2 countries: 1 province and 6-7 different states (running much)
  5. We have lost 120 pounds since the age of 24 (100 of it when we were 24) [and it's close to 140 pounds now)
  6. We have a full time job (well, now it's 32 hours a week - but they actually let us work around the other humans!) [it get's harder everyday, and this is the longest we've ever had a single job since we were 17. We've been there almost a year]
  7. We deal with social anxiety type symptoms every day (and these days we choose not to leave home much, but for going to work) [there are about three people we feel comfortable with being in public with and sometimes we have to be out there alone]
  8. We have multiple “mental illness” diagnoses (doesn't everybody?) [p.s. all misdiagnosed]
  9. We have two beautiful cats, who piss us off every day (but they are special, because they put up with us) [though one of us hates them beyond belief]
  10. We have struggled to survive, over and over, defeating the odds thrown against us (read our stories) [seriously, how are we not dead yet?]
We've copied the stories written here that are specifically about our past (mostly abuse) and moved them to our other blog, called:

Addressing The Issue of Frank: The Origins, History and Life Story of Frank, from "Just Call Me Frank: One Womans Endeavour At Being Frank"  
(this blog also contains our artwork/photography - the following links will take you to that blog)

Some of our writing on this blog we like to promote, these are those entries since mid-January 2011. There are bits of writing in this blog that we do not actually promote due to embarrassment over things that some have written - they are here for our own tracking - they are angry, mean, scary things. If you feel like it you can find them on your own. Here are the highlights of what we have written so far this year:

The Mental Health Entries:
Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder
Health:
Family:

Relationships/Friendships:
Work:
Opinion:
Art/Poetry:
Humour/Random Fun:
If you have any questions for us we are very open and will answer to our best ability - this is totally the month to ask us questions. You can either ask us on Twitter, in the comment section of a blog entry here, or e-mail us at justcallmefrank2010 (at) gmail.com.

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Resources for You - facts, figures and personal stories of other people can be found on these sites:
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/index.aspx
Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.ca/bins/index.asp
Mental Health Europe: http://www.mhe-sme.org/
World Psychiatric Association: http://www.wpanet.org

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