Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Frank Lets You Get To Know Bitch (me!)

Wait, confused already? More here...some explanation:
YAY! She's letting me write about myself!; But only because she's resting after our two hour deep tissue massage this afternoon. Ya'll know we were in a bad car accident a few years back, right? We got banged up pretty bad and it made Frank disappear for a long time. I missed her, The Other Girl didn't, she always wanted to be really independent again, but she was no good at it.

Anyway, now that Frank has given me the platform I'm really nervous. I've never gotten to write about me, and she never really tells anyone about me; though sometimes she talks about me when she is angry at me. By the way, a Twitter person helped name me because he asked what my name was and he and Frank figured since she called me 'bitch' all the time, that it should just be Bitch. I'm not to happy about it, but really, who get's to pick their name?

We get along better now though, even though it was tough at first

Since she's the better writer I feel like I have big shoes to fill. She's let me write a couple of times, sometimes with help, sometimes by myself. I don't know what people want to know about me, so I guess I'll just write whatever comes to mind.

Bet your confused by us, bet your even more confused by me. I'm just me though, and some leftovers of The Other Girl. I'm pretty fun, but in a nice way. I spent a lot of time with The Other Girl, Frank left me with her to keep an eye on things after we graduated from high school, after The Mothers girlfriend hurt TOG; it didn't take The Other Girl long to find another despicable person to treat her bad, that was The Ex-Husband. Frank hasn't told you that story yet, about how The Other Girl and I used to be married, and it's not my place. The Other Girl mentioned it once, in a letter she wrote to her future self, when we were trying to work out some stuff together. It's around here somewhere.

After Frank left us, when we were around 18, I did something bad for us; I started to make The Other Girl fat. I like to eat all the time. If I could, I would always be eating. Food is yummy. The Other Girl thought she was fat when she were young, people used to tell her that, because she was really tall and big boned. I wasn't there then, but Frank tells stories about people calling her names and throwing food at her. When I showed up later on, we started to eat bad foods together because it made us feel happy; then when Frank was gone for awhile we ate foods that our body didn't like; we had a lot of allergies and food intolerances, which helped make us get big.

Then when Frank came back the third time it took a lot of work for her to get us to lose weight, to even see we needed to lose weight. So she put us on a diet. The Mother helped. Frank made us go live with The Mother again after even more problems with people; when she came back that time, like this time, it was very painful for us. I think it hurt because she was so angry that she hadn't left us alone very long before people started to trample on us. But we lost one hundred pounds when she came back!! It was really cool, and happened really fast - in less than a year, most of it in under 9 months.

The Other Girl was a mess, and I am really glad that I got Frank out of that stupid coma she was in. It was over a year ago, after Grandpa died, and we were upset at The Father for being a bad dad, and then Signifcant Other lied to The Other Girl about something stupid, and it made me scared for her, for us; so I got Frank back.

Then The Other Girl got real scared too, because all the other times Frank was around she made us leave; and we liked it here. She started doing lots of drugs to keep Frank away...she even did real bad ones for awhile, ones she was told weren't going to be good for our spine...and that made Frank REALLY angry at her because we already had problems with it. In the end, when Frank and I got rid of her this was one of the things she explained when The Other Girl asked why we we're destroying her.

Turns out Frank liked it here too, and she fell in love; so we got to stay. But then The Other Girl was going to ruin things with money problems, and drinking, and partying, and boys and THEN falling in love with Standby, who didn't like Frank, but sure liked to have sex with her.

Lately we've been in a lot of pain, especially today, and all weekend. The weather where we live have been all wacky with high and low pressure weather systems and on Friday apparently two of them collided. That's when it took 3 separate doses of muscle relaxers to get us to sleep, and then we only got a couple of hours. We had a bad weekend all around; Frank called a nice waitress a Whore because she was angry at the waitress (she was doing her job poorly though) and then I felt bad about it, and it made things all strange. Then other people decided that they were better than us, were mean to us, and picked on a painting we made that the man we love inspired. It creeped us out - some of our Twitter friends speculated on who it might be - we thought it was Stanby, and Fabulous People thought it to be a troll*. It made us both angry, but Franks got ...

Oh, see, I'm not even good at writing about me. I have to regroup.

Someone in our Twitter life recently made a comment asking "wouldn't it be nice if one day there were only ONE of you". I didn't like that, neither did Frank. We need each other. I'm the nicer one, I'm the one with more feelings. And like Frank told him, I'm the one that keeps us from being REALLY mean....

I don't really know what people want to know about me, they seem to like Frank better, overall...except on days when she's really angry and we're in a lot of pain...then people think she's "cranky".

(thank you @NickSilly) :)

...but they don't understand how much pain we have or how hard it is to do what we are doing; not many people do.

Frank is strong though, mostly she gets angry because it's so upsetting to me that we hurt all over. She going to make us go to a doctor soon because some people have suggested that the problem might be worse that leftover accident stuff:
What remains of our injuries includes words such as mild brain damage, arthritis, annular tears in our spine, spurring, posterior protrusions, disk degeneration and desiccation, end-plate deformities, and mild spinal depressions. (<-taken from a the story Frank wrote about our car accident)
Anyway, Frank left me left me alone with the computer because she's sleeping a little, it's hard for that to happen, it doesn't happen often.

I showed a couple Twitter friends more pictures of us tonight, not our face though; we're not stupid. I hope Franks not mad when she goes through my Twitter activity, or when she reads this post - we get to set it to auto publish so she won't know what time it posts.

I didn't get permission to share more pictures with people, other than what's on here, that's why we're scared she's going to be angry. One day though we are going to show our face, we even disucessed a pod cast sort of thing tonight. Still, it's scary. First we have to take care of The Other Girls messes, she made a lot, and there are angry people, like The Non-Bestie, Standby and Third Date Flunky...we just have to lay low a little longer, to see who else is going to try to hurt us over there anger at The Other Girls disapperance. We're waintng...

~Bitch (but we changed me to Bethany, Frank let me change my name!)
*Someone who posts controversial and usually irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum or chat room, with the intention of baiting other users into an emotional response <-internet bullies
Excerpts From The Other Girls Journal:
When she first started this blog - she never let let me write, for fear I would spill the beans...but she was writing in her online journal trying to find help. Nobody from her life ever took the time to read it. She was never good with asking for help. We wanted to honour her a bit, so we took some relevant posts, about what she was going through last year, and put them here.
June 25, 2010 1:05 CST
This weekend I am welcoming a much needed respite. I am about to embark on a weekend at the lake! I have to say I have been itching to get to the lake ever since the snow was gone, which this year happened really early, but lousy weather has prevented it...until now. [omitted]
June 24, 2010 10:56 CST
A second night in a row for a nice long walk. A walk is a wonderful thing, it helps you clear your'd head, put things into perspective; it really is a cure for so much.
On my walk I began to think about things that make me rooted to [city name removed], unable to leave despite the urges and flights of fancy. When it came down to it, as I admired the beautiful houses and yeads in a nearby neighborhood, [city name remove] is more home to me than anywhere else in the world. It's definitely not because of the weather. The people who surround me, my friends, my co-workers, my acquaintances, they are all one-of-a-kind people; and there are so many of them! They make living in [city name removed] important.
Another thing that makes living in [city name removed] important to me is my new job, it makes me feel like, for the first time in my work history, that I am in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people. [omitted]
Why am I sharing all of this? Besides wanting to reach out to people, I have a need to write; it has become a therapy for me.
June 23, 2010 3:16pm CST
I remain relieved that I have been able to, and am successful at, cultivating an illusion of sanity.
That is all for now.
(continued) 7:40pm CST
A decision has been made regarding the destiny of this journal page as per my first entry a couple of days ago.
In hopes that, by putting to "paper" the things that rattle around in my brain, I can ease some of the pressure in my mind and in addition hope that by sharing I can reach out to those who may deal with similar frustrations in their life, those who sometimes feel like they are alone, or drowning, in their irrational, crazy and unbalanced lives and minds.
If you don't live a life with experiences such as these, or never have, then call it entertainment - or insight.
As my blog states, Just Call Me Frank.
(continued) 10:11pm CST
Much need night walk about to happen - maybe it will calm my mind some, or maybe it'll send me into a thinking rampage. I long for my walking partner of the distant past...
June 22, 2010 5:59pm CST
My psyche is restless. My days are punctuated with daydreams of escaping; while my body remains in a state of defeated exhaustion that makes contemplation of any sort of foray into a new life, or a new location, utterly unfathomable.
The last few nights have left me sleepless; my mind racing with thoughts, and my body reminding my brain of it's age and it's conditions. While laying against the cool of the sheets on these uncharacteristically cool and damp nights, I recall that it's been a few months, and this the first extended period in over eight years that I am experiencing un-medicated life. The familiar feelings are rising to the surface like cream in fresh milk.
Sleeplessness, obsessive thoughts, restlessness, a desire for mind feeling like it's screaming inside my head battling for release.
From my past experiences with these feelings I feel a bit afraid. My last attempt at de-medication was unsuccessful because fear drove me back. My weapon is the knowledge and understanding that I recognize what is happening, I recognize it all and if I can be strong perhaps I can harness the storm that is brewing behind my eyes.
My fear is that the people who surround me, the people who love me, who don't know and have never met this part of me, will have a hard time understanding what I feel, or how I feel, and I will become withdrawn as I have in the past. Past experiences has not been favourable and were a driving force behind the life of restlessness I once lived.
I can only hope it's a temporary glitch in my circuitry and that before long I will be back to myself.
Added note on August 24, you will read through our writing you will find that once we started working on mapping, a therapy technique for DID/MPD, we became aware that "Bitch" was the name Frank called all of the alters, as she/we worked on mapping and we worked on communication with each other, much was discovered, and we set out on our path to healing, or at least understanding each other and working together. This post was written Bethany. {Note written by Cassandra}

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