Monday, March 7, 2011

All In A Days Work

We will try to keep this short today; we do have a tendency to ramble on.

We, again, desperately wanted to post something funny and amusing; something that would tickle you on the inside. But, that won’t be happening. After all, we are not writing just for you.

Sometimes, when the gravity of our life is weighing on us, it’s very difficult to find the strength, when we finally sit down to write, to approach our mental health situation with humour; which is always how we’ve tried to approach it, externally, anyway - experiencing only brief buckling over the years. Such is the case with us today, and most days lately, if we are to be honest.

There are, on occasion, days that we feel like nothing is wrong; when we are getting along, and we don’t fight too much; most days are not like that anymore.

Today everything smells pungent, sounds are exemplified, our body vibrating, and most people’s voices make the inside of our brain feel like layers of an onion peeling away, falling to the ground, shrivelling beneath our feet.

We try to create ways to ease the pressure that lingers behind our eyes, and tame the boiling heat that simmers in our brain, while we hide in our office trying to focus on the work at hand, so we can earn our pay check. The idea we come up with to distract from the noise and discomfort, so that we might briefly escape our self, and provide us with something to draw on in our fleeting moments of desolation, are perhaps frivolous on many level; many times these notions are not feasible. We realize that things we used to do, in the last year, to distract our self: partying, drugs, heavy drinking, and men, are more destructive to our health and intellect, than anything else we could do; and we only wish to replace it with something different, healthier and more constructive.

We are lucky enough, being without option, to love the people we work with, our fellow employees – even though some of them treat us poorly much of the time, and make us feel silly, stupid, and irrelevant. Having said that, they are each unique, and we can’t help but appreciate them for being themselves; and what brief moments of humour and inspiration we can glean from our day with them, we savour. Most days we can only hope that we bring it home with us, that respite from our agony, and find a place to store it; so in those rare times, when we are faced with loneliness, we can cull our memory, and perhaps feel normal, if only.

We have a full time job now. Thankfully it was a gradual progression over the last year, from once-a--week, to very recently, full time. We fought against the extra hours all along the way, explaining, without explaining, that we needed, and enjoyed, a lot of time alone; but eventually we would end up buckling at every juncture from the fear of losing the job we were lucky enough to attain.

We have been offered the opportunity to work from home for a fraction of the hours presented to us. We thought this was a great idea at first, seeing as how we are increasingly finding it difficult to maintain an air of happiness, normality, or in the very least, "none-bitchiness". Unfortunately taking work home, for us, feels like an invasion of the only place we don’t almost constantly feel the need to scream; and how do you explain that to your boss?

We do not know the balance required for us to stay healthy and productive to society; and days when we haven’t been able to contain those enjoyable work-ralted moments in our mind, we walk out the door, eyes shielded by big sunglasses; sometimes hiding the crocodile tears of frustration over our life, anger at the people of the world, confusion over so much uncertainly for our future, and occasionally, hate for our self; with pain, lingering from the past, like a terminal disease.


If you haven't read this:

'Birds of a Feather, On Twitter, CAN Flock Together' - please do, it may help you understand us, on Twitter.

Us on Twitter: @jstcallmefrank


  1. I appreciate this idea of wanting yet resisting the desire to go back to work, etc. because it's something I struggle with too. I used to love work myself (I am a teacher) but because of circumstances I don't want to bore you with, I became suddenly overwhelmed with an anxiety disorder that almost became full fledged agoraphobia. How am I being "treated"? By forcing me to work again. Blah.

    Oh, this is Streetlights94 by the way.

  2. I found the same when I tried/try to work from home. It felt like an invasion, and I found that I started resenting the work. Which is bad, because I needed to eat and all...couldn't afford to lose the job.
    So, I decided to make an official work 'corner'. Somewhere I don't normally sit in my place, that I don't associate with relaxing or anything pleasurable.
    It doesn't have a view, so I can't daydream, it's purely for work. I find I get it done faster and I can walk away. I dunno, helps me. I've worked freelance for so many years now that I've tried just about everything to cope with it.

  3. i know how hard my depression makes it to work, so i can't even imagine how much harder it is for you! I am amazed more and more by your strength. Whether you feel it or not, you are amazingly strong. All i can offer is huggs!!