Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Short Entries 4: When Anxiety Takes Over

When anxiety is so high we don't feel comfortable anywhere
A constantly updated entry...

Really. Really. Do we have to put up with this? Can't we just crawl into a fucking hole and die. Too bad that wouldn't be #winning 

Does this desk have to this fucking sticky? Do you have to ask where everything is? Open your fucking eyes. Why can't you fucking look around you and figure shit out? Why do we have to have all the answers.

Great. Crying at work doesn't help shit. The girl gives good hugs. Wish we knew what to do to stop this. We didn't even drink that last cup of coffee...switched to water. Too bad we are stuck at this fucking desk; we need more water. We can't even get it for our self.

When we cry in this position, with our head on our knees, our tears feel and smell like chlorine being snorted up our nose. Which makes us think of drowning, Which is one of the worst ways we think we could die. Even though we love water. Being afraid of dying doesn't make us scared to go into it. We aren't really scared of it, maybe it's because we've been so close to it. There are worse things than dying.

It would be nice to take medication for all these problems, but it wouldn't be. We are afraid of losing one of us if we do that again. If we lose each other again we will want to die.

We know some of you think this is "masturbatory", putting this out for everyone to see. It's not, it's masochistic. Being the most unappealing person in the world and letting the world see it. But this is what it feels like. You don't know what this feels like. Unless you do. And if you do we want the world to know what these things feel like.

This "assistant" is not going to be assisting with this current issue. Fucking get her out of here. Or at least shut her god damn mouth. We liked her yesterday not so much today.

Fabulous People to the rescue with a little visit. They are one(s) of the few we can count on to help calm the storm - there are only four - if even briefly. Superhero Storm Chasers.

If this woman opens her mouth again we are going to run home and get our stapler and fucking staple it shut. Not that we would. But we think about it. Seriously think about it. Her voice hurts our head, like someone hammering at the caving walls of our brain.

Three people in this room plus us is too many; even though this room is large. 

Eden Burning
Mixed Media
(c) Frank Ly


We don't care what you think of us. You think we're nutz. We don't care. You know why? You haven't had to live the terrible life we've had to, or the one The Other Girl had to; or the one we are going to have to. Especially now. We hate you for that.  Some of you have had terrible things happen, we don't hate you. Even though you might lash out at us, we can take lashings from you because we understand. It's those of you who have been blessed with mediocre fucking lives full of potential who have been born with silver spoons in your mouths. We'd like to shove the silver spoon up your ass. That's who we hate. We are allowed to. Just like you are allowed to hate us. Or not care. We can handle people not caring. The only people who we want to care are the people who know they should.
"Anger is a human emotion just as valid as love; complacency is a response as valid as conscientiousness. The expression of these is human." ~ Frank Ly
We'd like to say that we are sorry for what we say, but we're not. We are being honest. Honesty is the only was we can survive now. It may not make things easier, but things have never been easy anyway.
"The truth brings with it a great measure of absolution, always.” ~ R.D. Laing
You are fucking stupid. Walk away from our desk. Stupid. Dumb. We don't care. Go away. You always try to scam us or get a better deal. You are getting a great deal already.

We can never tell if its going to end. Like a gulf washing over us we are suddenly vibrating and warm and the noise subsides. But all it takes is another wrong voice to set it off. We feel helpless and ashamed. That doesn't do any good for us. We desperately want to have a drink, if only because maybe we can pass out after. We only got four hours of sleep last night, and three hours the night before. Two more days until the weekend. Maybe we can get some sleep then. Maybe we won't be overcome with an attack this weekend. Maybe we will actually be able to leave the apartment and not get upset at the people around us who move to slow, and look at us with dumb blank faces, and stare because they can see into our eyes and they know something is wrong but they can't figure out what because pretty girls are supposed to be happy. Because pretty girls don't have problems. Because all the world is concerned with is what is on the outside, nobody really cares what is on the inside anymore. Unless what is on the inside is a threat to their existence or belief system, but then they will fear, instead of try to understand. And hate instead of love.

We know that person is checking on us. We see you every time you come here. Even if we weren't "watching", just knowing you come back makes our anxiety and paranoia worse. You dislike us. You don't know us. You should leave us alone. We get notification every time you come here, from the same link that you used to berate us. We see every time you are here. You have no right to visit us after the things you have said. You are one of them, who fears us because you don't know us and you think you know everything. You don't know the things we have seen in peoples eyes, in the eyes of people you know, the eyes of people you don't know. You make our life worse. Stop reading. We even know you look at our Facebook page every time you visit, we know what links you click on our page. We are watching YOU...we only care about watching YOU.

We want to go home but we can't. We are prideful and that is the only reason we manage to keep any job we have ever had; even though many time they don't last long. We, and The Other Girl, haven't had a job this long in twelve years - since high school. We haven't even been here a year yet. If we lose this job we will die, but we are already dying, even though we are trying to heal. It is hard. We think some people must assume it is easy. That life is easy just because we don't have to deal with things where we live like they do in Japan, or in Africa. Those people suffer. People next door to you suffer. What makes thier suffering any more relevant than the person living across the street, or sitting next to you, or living with you? It doesn't. You just don't understand.

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