Short Entries 5: Unleashing Anger

WARNING: This post is explicit and contains content of violent and sexual nature. There is also some fucking bad language in it.


Could be a running log of anger...or not...

9:32 am

Yep.

Today can just fuck off and die...and so can he - and by he we mean FNA.

Frank said we were not going to write about him anymore - but guess what. Frank's not here bitch.

This is the kind of stuff I like to write to him because he is a selfish fucker who mistreated us because, well, he's a selfish fucker. There are those of Us that don't like when I write mean things to him, but they can just suck a big one today. Just try and stop me.

"You can fuck off and die today. Hope you have a fabulous fucking three day weekend...you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo deserve it. In case you're curious, that's sarcasm you stupid prick."

Fully updated and having discussed last weekends meeting with the We; last weekend being the final fucking drink/kiss off session at a shitty restaurant he kept insisting we go back to.

Frank asked him (FNA) why he let their affair go on, he having sent us a message in response to several others the night before our final meeting: "I asked you on a couple of occasions if that was going to be a problem and you said "no". Meaning he asked if we were going to have problems not bringing emotion into it. He wrote that to The Other Girl within the first three weeks of the affair though, and she was in love with Standby, not him. That poor girl had her mind set on forever with Standby; of course she wasn't interested in having emotional ties with FNA. He was not her type for a relationship.

He never again asked us if it was a problem. Not once for the months we sent him letters telling him how much we adored him, how much we loved spending time with him; writing about how we fantasized about things we wanted to do with him of a non-sexual nature; like travel and just be in the same room while he did the things he liked to do, and we painted; because we both tend to be loners we thought this fantasy perfection...and Frank and some of the others felt the need to share those things with him. All the while he kept fucking us behind his wifes back, knowing we were in love with him.

We've shared enough with him and he abused our honesty, ate it up with a spoon because when it comes down to it he knows we are the kind of hot girl he always fantasized about while playing video games in his parents basement, being unpopular as a kid - then he got us, and we made him feel better about himself, we made him feel desirable - and being desired by a "hot chick" must feel great; being desired by a "hot man" would feel great to us, no doubt - so why would that be different for him. 

We know all that pretension that he flings about is just a cover for his insecurity. Humans are not that hard to figure out. 

Frank confronted him at the restaurant last weekend, she told him that carrying on with us, well after knowing we were in love with him, and knowing so much about us to begin with (he used to read this blog), was selfish and rude. He agreed. Not only that, Frank got the impression that he somehow meant to blame US for things happening how they had up to this point, like he had no hand in getting us to fall in love with us, by being charming and spending actual quality time with us. He should have just fucked us and left each time, instead of engaging us in hours of conversation and non-sexual activity.

The most galling thing? Frank got the impression that their meeting only lasted as long as it had because he was waiting for us to drink just enough so he could get a last invite up to our apartment, less than 2 buildings away from the restaurant.

Use us one last time, just like when he woke us up the previous Saturday when returning our apartment key, after we had ended the relationship, and in our sleepy insobriety somehow talked us into a last fuck. Which, you know, was great because he was finally getting better at it, and that was the best he'd been so far. Yeah. He wasn't that great in the sack at the start, it was a work-in-progress situation - we love(d) him for him, not for great sex - though his creativity and willingness to try just about anything made him a great lover; but we love(d) the whole package.

If we loved someone simply for great sex we would have stuck with Standby - HE was great sex...and hung like nobodies business.

The audacity of that selfish prick.

I'll just sign off on this entry as "Stabby" because so far my name is a blurry spot in our mind. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed too...for the life of me I can't remember my fucking name.

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10:11 AM

That fucking fucker in the hall shuffling his god damn feet should try to pick them up. That scratch-scratch-shuffle-shuffle sound is grating the inside of the head.
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10:27 AM
Did you know I fucking hate Twitter? Yep. Hate it. Though hanging on Favstar is where I like to be, RTing other people's funny shit. My kind of anger makes us look bad - like last week when I was obsessed with dancing in blood and going on "slay rides". It's nice that Frank has created all sorts of outlets for us to play on, and can laugh at the disturbing shit we post. Good thing we don't scare her. Okay, we scare her, but not as much as you'd think.


Wish she'd fucking come back already, I hate to be out here when we're at work - I think I may destroy her job.
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11:08 AM
It's a good fucking thing I hate it here so much, if I didn't I might try to take over Frank; but without the help of everyone else I could never do it. They are beyond scared of me, because they know if I took over they would all be fucking gone, and then there would be damage to anyone who remained. I have my favourites. 


They'll never help me destroy her like we all helped Frank destroy that piece of shit, The Other Girl. In case you were confused earlier when I called her a "poor girl", that was fucking sarcasm.


Man, it was fun destroying her.
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11:22 AM
Things we sent him:

"Right now I'd just love to fight with you, shove each other around, slam each other against walls and angrily fuck the life out of you. Hope it's just as satisfying to think/read about it, as it would be to do it. 
It's probably not though; and we lied, we hope it's miserable for you to know you're not going to touch us again - you fuck face."

This is why I scare the other ones - and why we no doubt scare him; because in the end he's a scared little man.
My anger makes me horny - but strangly only for him. You can see how that would be frustrating.
We're more likely to unleash our aggression this way, then ever hurt anyone. 
We are all rational here.
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12:27 PM
Even I can't roll around in the anger (which I love to fucking do) when we find out we aren't going to be an aunt anymore. We were kinda looking forward to having a kid to spoil, even though most of us are not fond of them.


Frank's not going to be happy. This is only going to make her sad, it's making us all sad.

Short Entries 4: When Anxiety Takes Over

When anxiety is so high we don't feel comfortable anywhere
A constantly updated entry...


11:07am
Really. Really. Do we have to put up with this? Can't we just crawl into a fucking hole and die. Too bad that wouldn't be #winning 


11:08am
Does this desk have to this fucking sticky? Do you have to ask where everything is? Open your fucking eyes. Why can't you fucking look around you and figure shit out? Why do we have to have all the answers.


11:17am
Great. Crying at work doesn't help shit. The girl gives good hugs. Wish we knew what to do to stop this. We didn't even drink that last cup of coffee...switched to water. Too bad we are stuck at this fucking desk; we need more water. We can't even get it for our self.


11:21am
When we cry in this position, with our head on our knees, our tears feel and smell like chlorine being snorted up our nose. Which makes us think of drowning, Which is one of the worst ways we think we could die. Even though we love water. Being afraid of dying doesn't make us scared to go into it. We aren't really scared of it, maybe it's because we've been so close to it. There are worse things than dying.


11:23am
It would be nice to take medication for all these problems, but it wouldn't be. We are afraid of losing one of us if we do that again. If we lose each other again we will want to die.


11:14am
We know some of you think this is "masturbatory", putting this out for everyone to see. It's not, it's masochistic. Being the most unappealing person in the world and letting the world see it. But this is what it feels like. You don't know what this feels like. Unless you do. And if you do we want the world to know what these things feel like.


11:42am
This "assistant" is not going to be assisting with this current issue. Fucking get her out of here. Or at least shut her god damn mouth. We liked her yesterday not so much today.


11:50am
Fabulous People to the rescue with a little visit. They are one(s) of the few we can count on to help calm the storm - there are only four - if even briefly. Superhero Storm Chasers.


11:53am
If this woman opens her mouth again we are going to run home and get our stapler and fucking staple it shut. Not that we would. But we think about it. Seriously think about it. Her voice hurts our head, like someone hammering at the caving walls of our brain.


11:56am
Three people in this room plus us is too many; even though this room is large. 

Eden Burning

Mixed Media

2003
(c) Frank Ly

12:03pm

Suckfest

12:06pm

We don't care what you think of us. You think we're nutz. We don't care. You know why? You haven't had to live the terrible life we've had to, or the one The Other Girl had to; or the one we are going to have to. Especially now. We hate you for that.  Some of you have had terrible things happen, we don't hate you. Even though you might lash out at us, we can take lashings from you because we understand. It's those of you who have been blessed with mediocre fucking lives full of potential who have been born with silver spoons in your mouths. We'd like to shove the silver spoon up your ass. That's who we hate. We are allowed to. Just like you are allowed to hate us. Or not care. We can handle people not caring. The only people who we want to care are the people who know they should.

"Anger is a human emotion just as valid as love; complacency is a response as valid as conscientiousness. The expression of these is human." ~ Frank Ly

12:15pm
We'd like to say that we are sorry for what we say, but we're not. We are being honest. Honesty is the only was we can survive now. It may not make things easier, but things have never been easy anyway.

"The truth brings with it a great measure of absolution, always.” ~ R.D. Laing

12:20pm
You are fucking stupid. Walk away from our desk. Stupid. Dumb. We don't care. Go away. You always try to scam us or get a better deal. You are getting a great deal already.


12:32pm
We can never tell if its going to end. Like a gulf washing over us we are suddenly vibrating and warm and the noise subsides. But all it takes is another wrong voice to set it off. We feel helpless and ashamed. That doesn't do any good for us. We desperately want to have a drink, if only because maybe we can pass out after. We only got four hours of sleep last night, and three hours the night before. Two more days until the weekend. Maybe we can get some sleep then. Maybe we won't be overcome with an attack this weekend. Maybe we will actually be able to leave the apartment and not get upset at the people around us who move to slow, and look at us with dumb blank faces, and stare because they can see into our eyes and they know something is wrong but they can't figure out what because pretty girls are supposed to be happy. Because pretty girls don't have problems. Because all the world is concerned with is what is on the outside, nobody really cares what is on the inside anymore. Unless what is on the inside is a threat to their existence or belief system, but then they will fear, instead of try to understand. And hate instead of love.


12:55pm
We know that person is checking on us. We see you every time you come here. Even if we weren't "watching", just knowing you come back makes our anxiety and paranoia worse. You dislike us. You don't know us. You should leave us alone. We get notification every time you come here, from the same link that you used to berate us. We see every time you are here. You have no right to visit us after the things you have said. You are one of them, who fears us because you don't know us and you think you know everything. You don't know the things we have seen in peoples eyes, in the eyes of people you know, the eyes of people you don't know. You make our life worse. Stop reading. We even know you look at our Facebook page every time you visit, we know what links you click on our page. We are watching YOU...we only care about watching YOU.


1:08pm
We want to go home but we can't. We are prideful and that is the only reason we manage to keep any job we have ever had; even though many time they don't last long. We, and The Other Girl, haven't had a job this long in twelve years - since high school. We haven't even been here a year yet. If we lose this job we will die, but we are already dying, even though we are trying to heal. It is hard. We think some people must assume it is easy. That life is easy just because we don't have to deal with things where we live like they do in Japan, or in Africa. Those people suffer. People next door to you suffer. What makes thier suffering any more relevant than the person living across the street, or sitting next to you, or living with you? It doesn't. You just don't understand.

Short Entries 3

An ongoing feed for the day:
10:58am It's like a freight train with no breaks, and it just sped up. 


1:24pm Roller Coaster


8:27pm would love it if everything didn't smell like it was living in our nose.


9:13pm We've posted it before, we're posting it again. So f'n sue us.





10:55pm  HUH - Made the headlines today at The #fml Daily on http://t.co/dhF

Short Entries 2

This was supposed to be published first...frack...


Sometimes we have things to say that are short, but don't fit into the posts we are working on. That's why we have Short Entries.

We wrote a little ditty last night, Tweeted it even - Twitter has become a notebook for our thoughts, as well as an outlet for the crap that rattles around between our ears. Shake us, guess what's gonna fall out.

Hee hee...

You'd think we'd been recently inspired by some poetry or something... 

It's not much, it's an awakened skill (skill?) that we might consider working on again...could be a fun thing to start playig around with...when we're not working, writing, or painting, or reading...or wishing we could have our physical needs met in a proper manor, by a flesh and blood person...what? Yeah. 

Four lines, to express how we felt last night.

We want what we want 

for once we can agree 

But we can't have either of them 

our heart under siege

We're writing another entry over here, so, you know, come back later. Or don't. Whatever. :) 

Short Entries

Short entries...*giggle*. At least something made me smile today, at least on the inside.