Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Mistress Without Cutlery

This is a hard post for us to write. We are not all in consensus about ending our relationship with Fantastic New Addition (FNA) 9 days earlier than we had planned.

While we have certainly loved men, and woman we have dated. It has been about 8 years since we have come close to loving a man like we love FNA, and 15 years since we knew that first feeling of love, with Forrest. We seem to find amazing men to love each time we are together.

This time it's different though. We don't know why. No, we do know why this is different. 

This relationship was pivotal in our life for so many reasons, reasons only we will ever really understand, reasons that will become clearer to others when we write about him in the story of the day we were released again, about how it happened, and how we were able take control of The Other Girl, providing us the strength to come together and destroy her. We know that he knows what he saw happen that day, we've talked to him about it. He said he wasn't sure that we were even aware of what was going on. For us that day was an out of body experience for The Other Girl, it was that day she realized that we were going to have to face this. To face Us.

January 20th. That was the day. The following day we stayed home from work, we stopped smoking cigarettes, cold turkey. It took two weeks for us to get The Other Girl to stop blogging and let us take over. A week and a half later, realizing we were not going to be able to work together as a team, we called out one of the Alters to give a final blow, in a very public way; we got The Other Girl weak enough and we spent 36 hours over the weekend, killing a part of ourself. Were getting ahead of ourself here. 

We might as well tell you the horrible secret about FNA, now that he is no longer in our life. The reason we knew from the very beginning that we could not have him as our own, was that he is in fact, a married man. 

Oh, stop your judging. Nobody is perfect and we don't pretend to be. As a matter of fact we are fine with being the opposite of perfect.

For whatever reason, The Other Girl went about trying to capture the attention of this man, mentioning him in her writing here and there, referring to him as a "big catch". Unfortunately she tried to apply our name with this endeavored, starting out the blog where she mentions his in such a manor, as a big fish, with "So, where have I been?  What has Frank been up to?" Damn bitch.

While she was planning on a catch and release, we had other ideas. We saw something in this man, something we needed. He had the capacity to take on a task we had in mind. Sadly, we feel in love with him; and The Other Girl was going to risk it with a relationship that would have meant more years of keeping us a secret. The man in question was Standby. She loved him dearly and certainly would have spent her whole life with him, denying us.

We likely never would have found him, FNA,  without TOG's need to try to use men and sleep with whoever she wanted the last months of this past year, until finally calming down and trying to maintain a relationship with both Standby and FNA; two men who were fully aware of each other.

Look, going after married men isn't something we are proud to have done. It's happened in TOG's life a couple of times. Sadly, the last man we were in love with, that had this sort of impact, but by no means anywhere near this impact, was a married man we had went to University with, after being mis-diagnosed with schizophrenia.

We'd like to say he was in the same situation as FNA, but we guess we can't. While it was similar, this man knew well enough that he was not happily married, and after our affair was over he got a divorce. We have never heard from him again. The Other Girl tried to friend him on Facebook last year, but was declined. We had moved on, so we are glad he did not accept. 

Theory goes that if you love your spouse you don't cheat. We think this is false. Sex is a natural animal instinct. People have animal tendencies, if only because, well....humans are animals. The only difference is that humans are supposed to have control, because they have the ability of complex thought, and the concept of a conscience. 

Yes. We know you might not agree with us. We don't actually care if you do. 

So, being animals, given the right opportunity, some humans will "mate" with other humans, even though they are aware that they are not supposed to. 

Cheating is cheating. You meet at a bar, online, at the grocery store, even in church; you have an interaction, a one night stand, you meet a couple times, but in the end the number "gets lost", e-mails are not returned anymore, a new grocery store is required, you change churches. 

When a person forms a relationship, a continuing of sexual pleasure, coupled with fantastic company, and shared experiences, you are then moving past plain old hormone-driven fucking; it's a different form of cheating. It's a worse form of cheating.  If a person loves their spouse they do not create a relationship with another. 

When a person loves their spouse they should feel a duty towards them, a duty out of love, to not form an "emotional" and sexual relationship. If we are wrong about this then maybe we just don't get marriage.

Our problem was that he would never actually say he loved his wife, and he would say that the things he did for her where because they were his "job". When someone asks why you do something for your spouse, the first thing that comes out of their mouth should be: "Because I love him/her". 

If he had said those words in the beginning we would have walked away. If he had said them last night when he showed up after our guests had left, when we told him all we wanted to hear was that he loves her, we would not feel like we had somehow made a mistake in ending it. We know we made a mistake in letting him into our bed one last time.

He has said she, his wife, was the "most amazing woman he'd ever met", but that was before he knew anything about Us. And sorry, at this point if we're not amazing to him, then he can just fuck off; and that would validate our decision.

The thing that made her amazing, turns out, was something that was selfish on his part, in our opinion. That she had stuck with him through something hard. A selfish reason to stay with someone, because of something she did for him. Not amazing because of who she actually is, or what she has accomplished; which means nothing to us because with her collection of silver spoons, accomplishment is easily achievable; and who she is can't be that great when he's been so excited to just sit and spend time with us, talking, sans sex.

"We wish we were amazing. Apparently all it takes is the right cutlery." A Tweet of ours from a few weeks back.

We'd probed him about his feelings for us, his thoughts about us, on more than one occasion; and it always came back with "it's all on the surface". This is to say, we were supposed to figure out how he felt about us by just looking at him. That's the message we got.

You know what we saw? We saw things we could not trust that we saw, and things we could only assume. We saw a man who is not happily married, who finds pleasure in eating with silver spoons; we saw a man who cared about us and didn't want to. We saw a man who enjoyed our company, not just the sex. A man whose face became brighter and softer every passing day because he was happier and he glowed; We saw a man who, if single, probably could have been ours...forever. We saw a man who was hurt by our taking initiative to protect ourself, and doing the one thing we didn't want to have to do - end the relationship.

There is speculation that he might try to return to our life. By writing this story we are putting an end to this relationship. He may resurface some day as a new character of our life, but the only way that will happen is if he gives up his obsession with silver spoons.

No comments:

Post a Comment