Saturday, April 30, 2011

Fuck Face: Who He Is

---Note to The Father and The may not want to keep reading this entry, there is some brief graphic sex, and foul language--

The last two days, okay, three days, we've been drinking a bit more than usual; today was just drinking for us though.

We really don’t know why that’s happened, other than we’ve been given the opportunity to hang out with Important Boss and Fuck Face (we like their company), and that's what they do: drink; and Frank’s been pretty much out of the picture until this afternoon, and we wanted more fun with Fuck Face. 

Frank is back. She's not very happy with us, and she's not very happy with Fuck Face.

The bartender recognized us at the pub where we drank yesterday. Back when we/The Other Girl hung out with other people they used to go to this bar at night on occasion.  The bartender bought us/The Other Girl and the female friends shots, he'd flirting with all of us a bit, we'd have a decent time – a good bartended knows how to work for his tips; even though he has a wicked sexy accent and therefore needs to work less at tips than most.

Yesterday we were at the same pub with Important Boss and Fuck Face. Fuck Face, Important Boss and us had been in the middle of a conversation, so there was much laughing and chatter being done. Well, we might not have been laughing much, we were very cranky from three days of very little sleep, and frustration over Fuck Face and his love of irritating the piss out of us. We must be cute when we’re pissed off at him, or he must like the death stare we have become so popular for.

The bartender was standing a ways from the table and when we saw each other We smiled.

“Hello, love” he smiled, and said in that sexy accent.

We smiled and said hi in return, then turned back to the table.

“Looks like someone has a date later!” Important Boss joked.     

Fuck Face laughed.

“No. He’s married” we quickly retort.

And for some reason the table is silent. It was an awkward silence. (Then some joking about his wife liking threesomes)

You see, people, we are not into married men.  This whole thing with Fuck Face was a terrible misfortune. It’s not very often that We all agree on one person. He is appealing to each of us, and it's something that was never meant to happen.

We don’t understand how Important Boss doesn’t know what’s going on. Maybe he does. Maybe everybody knows and is okay with it because Fuck Face is always in a better mood when he and Us are “an item”, or whatever it would be that one calls an on-again, off-again, adulterous affair.

That week or so after we dumped him this last time (it was about two weeks ago, and, yeah, it wasn’t exactly the first time), he was back to looking unhappy. Less joking, his brow furrowed at work. Then again, maybe it was because we told him we weren’t going to stick up for his lazy ass managerial practices anymore, and he should do a better job at his job; maybe he was trying to be serious.

Either way, after ignoring him for over a week and being cold with him, Tuesday when we started the on-again of our “relationship”, again, and he was in a better mood. And it’s not just the sex, it can’t be, because that happened only one day this week – all the other days were walks and drinks and enjoying each other’s company – when he TOTALLY could have been having sex with us instead.

He confuses us.

Each day of drinking this week has included one-on-one time with Fuck Face before meeting up with Important Boss, just walking around in the sunshine, and enjoying each other’s company in a non-sexual way; which is worse than the sex way because we love him and he knows we love him. Neither day of drinking included sex, only some making out in an alley at the end of the day yesterday. 

After leaving the bar, we told him that We were going to be discussing a proposition he had just given us, a suggestion on how we could pay him back the $7 we owed him from our drinking session; and telling him that We'd be looking for his replacement this weekend, something he had jokingly suggested but we took seriously.

"We've got all weekend to find one. It's not like it would be hard. We could probably find one on the way home." we said. We totally could.

We were supposed to have parted ways on the corner before the block that the alley was off of, but he followed us after we said "Goodbye, have a great weekend", dripping with sarcasm, as we always do.

As usual he paused and said, "Yeah" - he never sounds like he is looking forward to his weekend with the wife he supposedly loves, sometimes he follows up the "Yeah" with, "I'll try".

He ended up following us across the street yesterday, saying he was doing so to annoy us. 

He purposely looked for that alley. We'd been joking about it a lot - and as we walked he naturally took the lead, knowing we would follow him.

When we got to a good portion of the alley we shoved him into a doorway that was set back into the exterior of a building, and put our mouth on his as we rubbed up against him, and the part of him we could feel was happy about being in an alley with a hot girl, if not just happy that it was us.

After a bit he pushed us away gently and said "Now go". We almost pulled away but then shoved him back into the corner of the door and continued to search his mouth with our tongue as he touched and rubbed us between our legs. 

"Whose my whore?" he whispered.

"I am" we responded breathlessly, and pulled away. 

As we parted ways, we put our sunglasses back on our face, head held high, not smiling, and said matter of factly, "You're as asshole."

We exchanged some words insinuating we'd be enjoying Our weekend, searching for his replacement.

If it was/is all about sex with us then that’s what should be happening. What’s the point in ensuring we stay in love with him by offering up his company, and a little necking in the alley? We’d be more okay with just sex, because time spent with him just increases the amount we like him, and for him there is no point in keeping us in love with him - we'd be giving it up to him either way, just like before.

We’re sure his wife would love to know about ALL of our time spent together – which is a lot of time. However, we may be viewed as “insane” by some, but that’s a whole different kind of insanity – ruining his life by calling his wife – an insanity we are not familiar with. To what end? We're not saying we'll never do it, because at some point he, or we, will find another job, and then our risk will be gone - and he deserves no less at this point. 

He actually told us, finally, two weeks ago, that he loves his wife, after we had asked him to say it, ignoring our desire to hear those words - we didn't want to hear that he didn't love us, we wanted to hear he loved her, to see what kind of man he really is. 

We don't want a man to ever love us how he loves her if he is willing to repeatedly do what he has done with us - even after reading our entire blog, knowing how we feel, knowing how we feel about married men and cheating by creating relationships, elevating simple fucking by forming a sort of friendship/relationship/union with the woman they are carrying on an affair with. (A Mistress Without Cutlery


We wanted to take this entry to apologize to our readers.  As some of you may have realized, Fuck Face has also been written about as FNA (Fantastic New Addition) and The Jeans. The reasons for this was that we didn’t want people on Twitter to know we were "doing" our married boss. So, to protect our self, and him, we made him into two different people. Which is actually hilarious if you think about it. Think about it.

FNA was meant to be a descriptor when we were actually having sex with him, when we wanted to talk about how much we love him, etc.. The Jeans was supposed to be the guy who we worked with that we had a crush on, so we could Tweet about our frusteration with him all day with abandon. 

We suck at lying, so we could only maintain FNA/The Jeans for a short bit before it all started to make us feel bad, and get confusing. Now he is simply Fuck Face – because, really, isn't that the best nickname for a bastard such as him?

So we did it to protect us, and him, however, we no longer have a desire to protect him, he has far more to lose than us, and he has done us no service by abusing our love for him.

We felt bad about not being completely honest about FNA and The Jeans being one and the same. We feel better now that it’s out in the open.

We’re sorry. We hope you can forgive us.

If you are unfamiliar with our writings about Fuck Face (FNA/The Jeans), and want to read what we've written about him in the past:

~Written by Esmeralda (Emmie) 


  1. So, I'm curious, what sort of accent does this bar tender have?

  2. Australian.

    We're pretty sure it's Australian - we're generally shit with that kind of detection, that's why we didn't put it in the story - not entirely sure. All we know is it makes parts of us happy...


  3. Just read this post and will be back later to read more about the jeans and how this all started. It's super interesting.

  4. Read at work today and wanted to let you know I am here! Jim

  5. "We’re sorry. We hope you can forgive us"

    Nothing to apologise for, nothing to forgive.

    James aka @mr_jmm