Showing posts with label Decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Decisions. Show all posts

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Life, And Other Plans

Well, I had intended writing something worthwhile this weekend. So far that hasn't been able to happen, for various reasons.

After a couple weeks of trying to get over the heartbreak of losing the purchase of the house and property (Weeping Willow) we've been flailing each day, trying to decide what to do.

It's always been easy to figure out. Just get up and go and let's see what happens.

Despite having been married before, we were never part of the decision making as a couple.
We've been a home-owner before, and have moved all over North America, all on our own, countless times...we have always had an easy time of getting up and going.
But now we have James to consider. We can't make these decisions on our own anymore. It's harder than we thought it would be, having to make plans with another person in mind, as part of couple.

So, for now, in the attempt to at least move out of Mother's house, we are looking at real estate in the city where we are currently residing. Everything will be on the back-burner for now. Our plans to have a farm, grow a garden, live in the country away from people. Our future.

At least with our own space, our own home again, we can have a studio to paint in, and have more private space/time for writing again. And we can try to get out of the funk we keep falling into.

We start our new job tomorrow, though we will be unemployed by Christmas, at least it's an opportunity to make some extra cash while we house-hunt locally.

~ Ivy et al

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

V is for Very-Big-Decisions

The deed is done.

It was such a big decision.

We realize for him it was way more giant, infinitely more giant. The fact that we want this to be a forever relationship with James means it was a big decision for us too. It feels surreal. We're having waves of...strange feelings.

We love him (most of us)...and as of today...we will never have children with him.

This weekend we stayed at his cousins house. Friday night, while we slept soundly (tried), she kept him up until 5:30am drinking trying to talk him out of it.

Last night she plied us with alcohol following a dinner we, and James, cooked for her and her family. As family members dropped off to go to bed, bellies full of good food and wine, it was down to her, James, and us.

Eventually the conversation turned to today's event. The big decision. James' vasectomy.

We wrote a bit more about it three weeks ago in To Baby, Or Not To Baby...There Is No Question (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/to-baby-or-not-to-babythere-is-no.html) we won't rehash the details.

Sitting across from a woman in her 50's, who has had four healthy, happy, seemingly well-adjusted children, now all adults, it's easy to see where she is coming from.

She talks about how great children are, says that we would make great parents (though she has only known us for four days) and what a great thing it is.

We try to give her reasons without disclosing so much. It's funny, reasons are only reasons if people agree...if they don't reasons just look like excuses.

James cites our bad childhood, we cite mental illness that runs in the family. The words of what we live with do not cross our lips.

She had given us so much wine, and we became sensitive about her insistence in trying to change ours and James' mind about the following days (today) operation. Tears form and we lower our head so she can't see them. James comes to our side of the table and rubs our back...lets her know it'd be better if the subject was dropped.

As she is also quite inebriated she agrees, but then begins to talk about it again.

We retire to the bedroom and James stays with her for awhile. Later he comes back to say she asked him if he knew how happy having children can be. He simply responded with "But I'm already happy."

We go to the bedroom, take out our contacts, sit on the edge of the bed and with Twitter in our hands, ball our eyes out and do the only thing we know to do. Tweet about it. Reach out. Vent. With snot running down our face, sobbing, giant tears rolling down our cheeks, drunk.

Eventually he comes to bed, he says we fell asleep crying.

His cousin took her mother to a doctor appointment this morning and we were a bit hungover so chose not to say goodbye. She was apologetic to James about the previous night.

This afternoon, mere weeks after going to the doctor to talk about a vasectomy we find ourselves sitting in chairs outside of the room where one of the biggest decisions some people make comes to a head.

James went to put some cream on his..."junk"...to numb the area they would be making an incision and we exchanged a DM with a friend. With a small tear in our eye, we write how we know it's the responsible thing to do. But we are human. And there is always the "what if".

Over the past days we've made sure to let James know he can back out at any time. That this is an amazing sacrifice he is making for us, and we understand that. We know he is doing it for us, because he loves us. We are sure that had he fallen in love with any other woman, a healthy one, he would have had children if she desired.

We feel guilty. We're not really sure why. It has nothing to do with the future of our relationship. We are secure in that completely.

As we held his hand, whispering words of encouragement (he is needle shy, and especially around that area) as they pulled out each vas deferens through a tiny quarter inch hole in his scrotum, and cauterized them with a small laser, as sweat beaded on his forehead and the threat of tears reached his eyes...we just kept hoping we are making the right decision. (they let us watch, it was pretty neat)

The doctor keeps James talking, you can tell she likes her work. She actually does seminars teaching◊ doctors this new procedure called a "No Scalpel Vasectomy" that they are using on him, she mentions the cost of raising a baby to the age of 18 has recently reached £218,000 in the UK (about $200,000 in the USA). Quick calculations show that as an adult (14 years) we've not come anywhere close to making that much money, so not close it's laughable - we don't have that kind of income capability (though James does, but that's not really the point). More things that wouldn't be fair if we (our system) had children.

We made the right decision, from a mental health perspective, from a financial perspective, from an ethical perspective. This is not us trying to convince ourselves, this is us reiterating the valid reasons for being baby free...for life.

So, now we sit for a couple of days in a hotel while James waits to hear on some contracts for work, crossing our fingers.

He's doing quite well. No ice needed, he's taking some over the counter Ibuprofen and aside from a funny walk...all seems well. Sixteen weeks from now he'll bring in a...specimen...to make sure the sterility is complete...and we can go off of the birth control pill (which we've been on for 16 years*)

At the end of all of this we wonder what drives people to think they can/should try to influence people's decisions about reproduction. This woman, while she has known James his whole life, knows nothing of us, or our relationship with him. And though she has known him his whole life, it doesn't mean she really knows him.

People know what the right decision is for them, based on their life experiences. So frequently people forget that. Trusting people to make decisions on their own is why we are pro-choice. We would never choose abortion as a personal decision...but we also have no right to make that decision for anybody else.

We really can't blame his cousin though, we and James would have the most beautiful children, and smart...but man, they would be totally fucked up.

Just another frank day.

~ et al
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◊ lucky day for James, the doctor has a seminar coming up and her digital photos of a vascetomy she had got deleted from her hard drive, so when she asked, James said she could take pictures during the procedure, and now his vasectomy pictures will be used in teaching seminars all over the UK. He also made a much needed £20.
*we're curious to find out if the change in hormones, by going off of our Ortho Cyclen (because the pill is a forced hormone regiment) will have an effect on our mental health. ADVENTURE!

[If you're interested in knowing more about the no scalpel (laser) method: http://www.vasectomy-clinic.co.uk/]

Interesting, things we learned today:
- The procedure has a 1 in 2000 fail rate (meaning if we end up getting pregnant after his clearance test, clearly we were meant to reproduce).
- It can be reversed but the success rate varies (while a vasectomy in the UK is free, covered under their NHS, a reversal is not, and can cost around £5000).
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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Life Set In Limbo

We're in limbo.

Our boss today told us that they (Human Resources) are trying to push some paperwork through (this is in regard to Fridays post, about having to leave our job, and therefore move)...some short form or something that they had used for another "immigrant worker"...he said in a week and a half, to two weeks, they will know for sure if it's been approved; but we're not feeling optimistic about it, for a variety of reason. They are trying to keep us on at work...should it be approved we are faced with a decision.

We hate decisions. We fight about decisions...we all have a different idea and outlook.

Do we stay, or do we go?

There are many options...and we've come to peace with the idea that we have to leave, and we have someone looking at the property we own, on Saturday, who is interested in purchasing it. We have made a list, talked to James...we have set in motion the plans for leaving (which, if you know us, is a great deal of work even up to this point).

Do we stay?

If we stay we will keep this job, a job that is killing our back (we have major back problems from a car accident) and we haven't been there an entire month (the pain...is like someone is setting our back and neck on fire all through the day...it hasn't been this bad since March or so)...and in addition, given our job history...it won't be long until we can't contain Us at work. Yesterday we already started to visibly front (that's a DID term), things were awkward. Things have gotten even more awkward feeling as the days go by, and it's been only a month or so.

We are good at what we do though, and the people we work for can see this, it's why they pushed the paperwork through anyway, even though we are on a three month probation, as anyone hired there is...we know that they wouldn't go through the trouble if they didn't have faith in abilities.

Do we go?

We are pretty excited about traveling around the United States, and introducing our boyfriend to America. We want to write, to paint, and work our way across the country, and we have the means to do it, if the house sells; we also want to work in restaurants around the country.

It would be nice to live in the United States again, where things are affordable...and we can visit family. The Grandmother is ill, and senile...we'd like to be in the same country when it comes time to say goodbye...we never really got to say goodbye to The Grandfather (more to be written about that when the time comes).

We have many reasons for going, just as we have many reasons for staying.

Faced with this week and a half wait, we don't know if we should continue carrying on with our plans of moving from here in November, or if we should stay put.

What does our gut instinct say?

We have too many opinions, too many gut instincts. Staying would be the easy option...but we're not familiar with easy. Life is short. We've almost died once (the car accident), we've been through terrible experiences (our entire life)...to say what could go wrong would incite possibilities, but we feel like we should ask "what could go right?" (...that positive little bitch in us who wants to paint the world...). We don't know what to do.

So, we're in limbo. We won't know exactly how to feel until the final letter from the government of the country where we are currently living comes in. If it's denied we only have once choice, if for some miraculous reason it is approved then we have choices. We're uncomfortable with that.

Do we stay, or do we go?

~Frank et al
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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Help Us Make A Decision About Fuck Face


First ever reader poll!!!
(p.s. something about adding the polling system fucked with the design of this page - all other reading material will look normal)

To send the apology...or not to send the apology; that is now the entire question.

We need a night off from writing about the stress of our mental illness, the stress of our job and the stress of our personal life. We also need to consider a final move on the Fuck Face Situation - because we're feeling like the wool has been pulled over our eyes, and even if it hasn't been, the fucker isn't playing by the rules, and we cannot withstand the constant temptation for the duration of his, or our, employment. It's just going to drive us bat-shit crazy...and if you know us, some of you might be saying "Isn't it too late for that" (for a couple of us, maybe).

If any of you are familiar with the Fuck Face chronicles here on our blog, then we need your vote; and Fabulous People thinks it's a great idea - we love her.

If you're not familiar with the story, then the next 24 hours or so is a good time to catch up - it's been said that it's pretty interesting reading:
So, before you vote, we want to explain the why we feel the need to send an apology letter to The Wife:

A) we hate being lied to, many who know this story seem to think he's been lying all along, the only way to make sure he's been honest is to send her an apology; if he hasn't told her the whole truth, like he said he has, then she'll have questions he'll have to answer. (note: she has not asked the who, where, how or what...only the why - according to him)

B) after his three day weekend he come back to the office today to say the following:
  • he had a "fatantasy" about us Saturday, while doing horse chores, lasting only 45 seconds, and made sure to drop in that it would have probably untilized our safe word. It had to do with wrestling, and other things we used to do together
  • he is not in the basement guestroom. We commented that now at least he can use the internet. He said "Yeah, to talk to you. That's how all this started. Now I have to say "I'm checking the weather" I don't care about the weather.           
  • NOTE: Given that he knows of our continued feelings, and our struggle to say no to him, Fabulous People (our closest friend, a woman who works for both he and us) agrees, he should not be saying things like that, should not be tantalizing us - those are not appropriate behaviors. We've been fucking yanked around enough by him.
C) we want to apologize to The Wife, because if we had a husband/boyfriend who cheated, who had told us about it already, we would want to know his mistress feels some sort of remorse; however small it may be. It would be a non issue with us, so it should be a none issue with her...as long as he's ACTUALLY told her, like he said he has.

Seriously, before you vote, read the stories. Keep in mind, at NO time have we ever asked him to leave his wife, we have never had any intentions on blackmailing him. Either way, no matter what happens - she keeps him, we can't be his friend. We push this matter - we can't be his friend (because really, he wouldn't want to be at that point) - so for us, in the end, the result is the same.

Feel free to leave comments if you have something to say, we can't maintain a conversation in 140 character bits.

After you're done with that maybe you want to read other stuff around here...or not. We'll be around Twitter all.fucking.night. We might even be drinking...again.


Added: June 2, 2011 - polls closed on this matter and results were as follows:
As far as a decision. Well...this whole post was mostly Melody's idea...we're not all into the destruction of Fuck Faces life...though we all enjoy pushing his buttons and such. She is happy to know that the majority would/will be on her side. But for now we'd like to say our main goal in this is "Fuck with Fuck Face" - because we can. Thanks to all the voted! We had to take downt he pole because it was totally messing with our layout of the blog, and making things look all gross.
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For the month of May, Mental Health Awareness Month, we will be posting this at he bottom of each of our entries, to help provide additional information about us, and about Dissociative Identiry Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.

10 Things You Should Know About US That MIGHT Surprise YOU:
  1. We used to be a Baptist missionary (yeah, can you fucking believe that shit?!) [we are NOT religious]
  2. We were once married (didn’t last long) [one of our stories talks about him]
  3. We have had nearly 30 physical addresses in 30 years, mostly as an adult (nothing could contain us in the early days) [we actually own a house, but choose not to live in it]
  4. We’ve lived in 2 countries: 1 province and 6-7 different states (running much)
  5. We have lost 120 pounds since the age of 24 (100 of it when we were 24) [and it's close to 140 pounds now)
  6. We have a full time job (well, now it's 32 hours a week - but they actually let us work around the other humans!) [it get's harder everyday, and this is the longest we've ever had a single job since we were 17. We've been there almost a year]
  7. We deal with social anxiety type symptoms every day (and these days we choose not to leave home much, but for going to work) [there are about three people we feel comfortable with being in public with and sometimes we have to be out there alone]
  8. We have multiple “mental illness” diagnoses (doesn't everybody?) [p.s. all misdiagnosed]
  9. We have two beautiful cats, who piss us off every day (but they are special, because they put up with us) [though one of us hates them beyond belief]
  10. We have struggled to survive, over and over, defeating the odds thrown against us (read our stories) [seriously, how are we not dead yet?]
We've copied the stories written here that are specifically about our past (mostly abuse) and moved them to our other blog, called:

Addressing The Issue of Frank: The Origins, History and Life Story of Frank, from "Just Call Me Frank: One Womans Endeavour At Being Frank"  
(this blog also contains our artwork/photography - the following links will take you to that blog)
Some of our writing on this blog we like to promote (consider them highlights), these are those entries since mid-January 2011. There are bits of writing in this blog that we do not actually promote due to embarrassment over things that some have written - they are here for our own tracking - they are angry, mean, scary things - usually. If you feel like it you can find them on your own (they are in the What We've Been Up To over on the left). Here are the highlights of what we have written so far this year:

The Mental Health Entries:
Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder
Health:
Work:
Opinion:
Art/Poetry:
Humour/Random Fun:
If you have any questions for us we are very open and will answer to our best ability - this is totally the month to ask us questions. You can either ask us on Twitter, in the comment section of a blog entry here, or e-mail us at justcallmefrank2010 (at) gmail.com.

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Resources for You - facts, figures and personal stories of other people can be found on these sites:
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/index.aspx
Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.ca/bins/index.asp
Mental Health Europe: http://www.mhe-sme.org/
World Psychiatric Association: http://www.wpanet.org

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