Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Situation Standstill



For now we are at a standstill on the conclusion of this story, but we think we've made a decision for our end of it, for now.

When Fuck Face got into work this morning he had three things to say to us, two of which were basically irrelevant, and one thing that was significant; as he began to talk our angry resolve melted away, as it usually does, because just looking at him makes us feel an assortment of things, one of which is helpless love.

The first thing he said was that he was glad we liked the Billy Connelly YouTube links he had sent us yesterday; the second thing was a response to an invitation that we had sent him regarding drinks on Wednesday, saying he would love to go for drinks with us and the third thing was an apology of sorts.

He apologized for being so confusing, that part of the confusion on his part was trying to figure out how to patch up his marriage while trying to patch things up with us, again citing how wondfeully funny we are, how he likes ALL of us; and how much he enjoys spending time with us, and he was just needs to figure out how to get maintain our friendship.

When we walked out of his office, tears welling in our eyes, and we sat down to think, and sent him the following Facebook message:
"We will make it easy for you. 
We will just stop being your friend. 
It's not going to work for us in the long run anyway - it's far too frustrating and sad for us to be friends with a man we love as much as you, who thinks we're as great as you do, who still can't/won't/doesn't love us or can't be with us. 
We don't expect real love from anyone; you only make us crippled to forming a relationship with someone who can truly appreciate us all, who can be the kind of partner we desire; because we can't stop loving you if we remain friends with you. We've told you that. 
Don't worry about drinks Wednesday - we don't want to have to sit across from you anymore, and mask how much we adore you and wish for silly things. 
If things don't work out in your favor with [The Wife], we'd like to be your friend again...until then...we just can't. 
He came to our office and stood at our door, before he even received this message from us and looked at us sadly, and said he just didn't want to hurt us.

"It's too late for that" we say, not making eye contact with him "Now get out of my office". 

He comes back later to tell us a joke, to say that someone in the building had just called him the devil...and that he thought that Melody might appreciate that. She cursed him in our head for trying to win the only one of us over that is yet to be taken in by his charms.

He tells us they are talking now, he and The Wife, though he has not been allowed back into the house and remains in the barn; and they have sat and eaten a meal together, though it was an electrically charged event.

When we intercept him later in the building we say "You know, she's going to ask you questions now that she is talking to you, like any woman would. Are you planning on lying to her when she asks who it was? Where you met the girl?"

He says that he has answered all of her questions with transparency up to this point. None of the questions have been about the details of the affair.

We inquired as to whether or not we should be worried that she will show up, or that she will call the people in charge of the place we work. He gave us a 40/60 split...and indicated that the 60% was a no.

Later we walk back into his office and tell him we have restricted his Facebook access so he can only contact us, he can't see our wall; that he can longer see any of our postings. We told him that once she makes her decision we will either remove him as our friend permanently, or re-instate his access, depending on her decisions.

As we turn and walk out the door we tell him that he is not to talk to us about anything but work related issues.

And we sit at our desk and intermittently sob our way through the rest of the work day, until we can gain back some of our anger.

It's not just about loving him, it's about the disappointment over the loss of a friend, and for some reason, despite the fact we have left, and lost, many, many people and friends...this seems so much harder. Perhaps it will be harder because we will have to see him everyday, and it will only remind us of everything we've lost...and everything we want - and that we no longer have a drinking partner.

Who knows what will happen. 


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For the month of May, Mental Health Awareness Month, we will be posting this at he bottom of each of our entries, to help provide additional information about us, and about Dissociative Identiry Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.

10 Things You Should Know About US That MIGHT Surprise YOU:
  1. We used to be a Baptist missionary (yeah, can you fucking believe that shit?!) [we are NOT religious]
  2. We were once married (didn’t last long) [one of our stories talks about him]
  3. We have had nearly 30 physical addresses in 30 years, mostly as an adult (nothing could contain us in the early days) [we actually own a house, but choose not to live in it]
  4. We’ve lived in 2 countries: 1 province and 6-7 different states (running much)
  5. We have lost 120 pounds since the age of 24 (100 of it when we were 24) [and it's close to 140 pounds now)
  6. We have a full time job (well, now it's 32 hours a week - but they actually let us work around the other humans!) [it get's harder everyday, and this is the longest we've ever had a single job since we were 17. We've been there almost a year]
  7. We deal with social anxiety type symptoms every day (and these days we choose not to leave home much, but for going to work) [there are about three people we feel comfortable with being in public with and sometimes we have to be out there alone]
  8. We have multiple “mental illness” diagnoses (doesn't everybody?) [p.s. all misdiagnosed]
  9. We have two beautiful cats, who piss us off every day (but they are special, because they put up with us) [though one of us hates them beyond belief]
  10. We have struggled to survive, over and over, defeating the odds thrown against us (read our stories) [seriously, how are we not dead yet?]
We've copied the stories written here that are specifically about our past (mostly abuse) and moved them to our other blog, called:

Addressing The Issue of Frank: The Origins, History and Life Story of Frank, from "Just Call Me Frank: One Womans Endeavour At Being Frank"  
(this blog also contains our artwork/photography - the following links will take you to that blog)

Some of our writing on this blog we like to promote, these are those entries since mid-January 2011. There are bits of writing in this blog that we do not actually promote due to embarrassment over things that some have written - they are here for our own tracking - they are angry, mean, scary things. If you feel like it you can find them on your own. Here are the highlights of what we have written so far this year:

The Mental Health Entries:
Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder
Health:
Family:

Relationships/Friendships:
Work:
Opinion:
Art/Poetry:
Humour/Random Fun:
If you have any questions for us we are very open and will answer to our best ability - this is totally the month to ask us questions. You can either ask us on Twitter, in the comment section of a blog entry here, or e-mail us at justcallmefrank2010 (at) gmail.com.

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Resources for You - facts, figures and personal stories of other people can be found on these sites:
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/index.aspx
Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.ca/bins/index.asp
Mental Health Europe: http://www.mhe-sme.org/
World Psychiatric Association: http://www.wpanet.org

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2 comments:

  1. vickilikesfrogsMay 24, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    Dammit, kiddo. That feeling you just described - that hurting and being angry and disappointed and hopeful all at the same time - plus the fact that its basically in someone else's hands for the time being, SUCKS. I'm sorry you're feeling that feeling and I hope that everything works itself out, one way or the other, soon. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MarisaMay 25, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    I'm here. Been pretty silent on Twitter and elsewhere but want you to know I'm keeping up and thinking about you as you deal with all this shit. Wish there was a way to make it easier on you.

    ReplyDelete

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