Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A 'State of the Union' Re: The Visit of Our Twittercrush James


If we’re going to be honest, and we usually are, some of us are terrified of next week.
If you haven’t been keeping up, next Thursday one of our Twittercrushes (@mr_jmm) is coming to visit for 32 days. 32 DAYS. THIRTY-TWO DAYS. 4 ½ weeks…FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS…

We’re used to being by ourselves almost every minute of every hour outside of work , except for the few hours a week we spend with Fabulous People, and when we go drinking with Fuck Face (our manager, drinking partner and ex-lover); and since Fabulous People has had gardening to attend to and mini-Fabulous Person has a new boyfriend, we have not seen them in a couple of weeks outside of work. We have also not spoken to The Pup in weeks…we don’t know where he has gone…*sigh*

In attempt to sort out everyone’s feelings, our feelings, about the matter at hand, the invasion of our personal space; we decided to sit down and write it out, which is essentially this blog entry.

Writing is our only way to work through issues, aside from shoving them to the back of our mind and have them keep popping out like a hernia. We’ve learned long ago, if we keep evading issues in our life they never go away, no matter how much we will them to.

So, don’t mind us as we do a roll call of who feels what about this impending visit…it’ll help us to understand and help others understand how we deal with issues like this, hopefully to our readers who may struggle with similar DID/MPD issues it will help them some time in the future.

…we’re nervous…

We’ve been trying to talk with each other about who is worried about what. We can’t get everyone to talk, Bethany has been MIA for awhile, we’ve only talked to her for brief moments here and there, and then she disappears. We figure she doesn’t like the drinking we’ve been doing and she’s becomes scared for our future when we start to worry about it, which is a lot lately. There is just too much stress for a young thing like her to deal with lately. We are sad for her, and we miss her dearly. Her lack of willingness to spend time with most of us makes us cry. She is sweet, and wonderful and happy…and innocent. She doesn’t understand how much we need her.

Of course Emmie is excited, but to be honest, she still has a bit of a thing for Fuck Face and we can’t deny it. We did love him, after all. She enjoyed many things about him, his intelligence, his demeanour…just him; but she is also Emmie, and she probably liked him because of the willingness he had to please her every sexual whim. It doesn’t help that she is reminded by him daily that he is still willing to satisfy her urges; given his transition to barn living to basement living, he is still very interested in continuing an extra-marital relationship with us, and he has also become very kind, and gentle and compassionate with us; it’s been throwing us off a bit.

The Twins (Catherine & Cassandra ) are in love with someone else, he’s never been mentioned here, he may never be. He is someone they have been talking to and seeing, someone nobody knows about outside of the system…this will shock and disappoint at least one person reading this entry. For reasons outside of control we will not/cannot have a relationship with this man, and it will be that way until the foreseeable future. They are very fond of this man in question…a man whom has only been mentioned once, very obscurely, in this blog.

Sam, poor Sam…it will be unlikely that he will get a mate of his choosing (who for him would be a female)…ever; but he holds on to hope that we will assuage his desires by finding a man who is willing to at least share us with a woman at some point. In the meantime he can continue to “hide in his room” whenever possible and is happy to have the idea of a man around who he can identify with on some level.

Ivy…is full of love; she cares and has such emotions that it’s hard to control. She likes James a lot, but she is conflicted by the feelings that the twins have for this unnamed man. She doesn’t have much to say, she is quiet and reserved and wants to observe more before she makes her decision.

Frank – because Frank loved Fuck Face and lost, she is resigned to give all of the others a chance to choose, something none of them have had a real chance at. To be honest, I hate talking about myself in the third person right now, so let’s just say…I am reserved. I like James,  I like this unnamed man that the girls are “infatuated” with…I don’t want to make the decision on this one…I’d rather stand back with Ivy and observe what the others think. I had my chance and I did us all wrong by it. I’ll never forgive myself, but at least some good came of it. (the destruction of The Other Girl)

Melody – Melody, for once, actually is showing signs of feeling for someone, and it happens to be our Twittercrush, James…it’s strange, her feeling like she wants to have an opinion. It’s strange and we need to analyze and talk to her…because it’s unprecedented that she would have any emotion, one way or another. She spends most of her time away from us though.

The unnamed Alter…because we have not had time to get her to “group” with us…we know she’s taken over a time or two…but we don’t know her name, we’ve been too stressed to work any more on our mapping (life has been throwing stress sheep at us) but we know when she takes over it’s usually brief and uncomfortable for us…. She is not nice to us in general, and gets very angry. She likes us to be sad, and like us to be mean and like us to be jealous…we don’t like her much and She knows it, but that doesn’t stop her from ramping up on us.

We are scared. We are scared because the last time it came down to two men it meant the destruction of The Other Girl. Those among us cower in the recess of our mind whenever we try to discuss these matters, afraid of their destruction. Nothing that is said can assuage them. The stress of everything else in our life, and this, has created a starburst effect on several occasions in our head.

Back to James’ visit…

We are scared because our space will be invaded, we will have no privacy, no time to ourselves. We’ll be honest; we yell at nothing a lot, we yell at our cats a lot, we yell at each other a lot, and there will be someone here that asks questions, who we might scared by our behaviour, who wants to know how we are feeling and because it takes so long for us to come to a conclusion as to our feelings we are afraid we will answer wrong, answer for only one or two of us without knowing what those who are sharing co-consciousness are feeling, without knowing how the others are feeling…

We’re scared, because we’re angry, we drink too much, we do stupid things, we make dumb decisions, we never know how we feel as a system … we lose track of things, of time, of information, of ourselves…
Bottom line, we’re scared…we’re scared because for the first time since the existence of us, almost 16 years…we will be living day by day with someone who is well aware of the We…

We’ll just be over here…finishing this glass of wine…terrified…         

-Please note…this entry will have typos…sorry…-

~Frank et al

(First time here? Who the hell are all these people we are talking about?! Check out our other blog where we work on the mapping of our Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder:

DID/MPD Mapping

Mapping is a technique used to learn about an individual's internal personality system. The client is asked to draw a map or diagram of his or her personality states. As therapy progresses, the client is asked to update the map. Also known as personality mapping or system mapping.[source: http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder?print=true]

Who the fuck are we? You should probably poke around here to figure it out...or not...it's your decision. But don't fucking come back to Twitter and ask us questions that can be answered around here... Twitter is for fun life and recreation, this is for everything else...

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