James wrote about yesterday and for the sake of our sharing we imported his post here, so you can continue to get a view of what life is like for those not in our system, instead of just hearing shit from our perspective.
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We'll be able to talk more about yesterday later...maybe...we're still working on the entry we started almost 4 days ago. The going is tough, we hurt him so much without writing that we feel apprehensive. We know we have to though, and so soon...soon, we will write more about him, and us, and how we are feeling.
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A rough night, not the good kind
Not quite sure what happened last night. We had a good day albeit long and came home not a minute too soon. Shopping is not an activity liked by anyone, public transport less so. The anger was just under the surface, literally, you can almost see it through the few layers of skin that contained it but we had a good evening. We got back and after a quick recovery from the day I popped out to the liquor store to get them some wine. In a sweet moment (I'm not apologising for that baby) they stopped me going earlier "don't go yet"...
I got back with the wine and after checking it was the right one (comparing to empty bottles in the kitchen, which by the way number all of two - down from 30ish at the peak). I was feeling very chuffed with myself as not only was it right I also found a chilled bottle. This pleased them greatly :) I have my moments.
Evening was typical, we ate late, they drank wine, tweeted, wrote a blog entry etc. Exhausted from the day we had an early night.
Not entirely sure what happened next, they came out of the shower and it was immediately apparent something wasn't quite right. I tried to talk to them but they withdraw into themselves. A few words were spoken about the future and I once again was left feeling like there wasn't one. I can't remember the exact words sorry.
I know this is so hard for them. They are so torn. The twins are hurt, upset and angry.
The night was a long one. Neither of us slept much. They were restless, constantly changing positions. I kept a hand on them, stroked a shoulder and wondered if the shifting was to get away from me. At some point something changed though and they came to me, wrapped themselves around me and let me do the same. And that's how we spent the rest of the night.
I felt better in the morning and they were smiling. Then just as suddenly that switch. We were back to where we were last night. It's rare, from what I've seen of them to switch that quickly. I talked. They were non-committal. Eventually they started talking to me. Eventually I was able to ask questions and get answers. By the time we got up we had been able to talk about a future again and they were able to tell me, convincingly that they did still want a future with me, they wanted an "us". Of course who "they" are is not who "they" were but at least it gives me hope again.
I know this can work. I know it's not easy and there will be more days like this. It's becoming more frequent and more sudden which I can only guess means the conflict going on is getting more... heated. I can't begin to imagine.
I'm sorry I let my emotions get the better of me. I know you need me to be stronger.
They say today is a "two bottle of wine day"... I suspect this won't be the only post I write today.
It's a week now. I have 3 more left. So little time...
Today... we're about to head out. Moods are good at present. Enough sulking for the moment, time to go play. Oh, and you should see the dress they're wearing...
[copied from the original location http://frank-from-the-outside.blogspot.com/]
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We have to go out for a couple of hours...we'll write or something later.
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