Saturday, July 2, 2011

Love Juice...We're No Cosmo Magazine But...

WARNING: This post is of an adult nature....please be advised. If you are easily disgusted and don’t like to read about sex tips then you should read something else around here and skip this one altogether...

Today I'm talking about what makes you taste good "south of the border", and we're not talking Mexican food here, ladies (and gentlemen). Yes, we’re talking about semen and vaginal secretions – the juices of sex. The nectar of the gods, if you will. Love juice.

Anybody who has experience with oral pleasure can tell you, we’re (and in this instance we are referencing all people, not us, duh) … we’re not all created equal in that department; and we’re not just talking about sizes, shapes and shades. We’re talking about taste.

Sex is an all-sensory experience that can be less fun if one of the senses detects something that is “off”. Unfortunately without the aid of surgery if you are unhappy with your size, shape and/or shade, what is being felt and seen, there is not much that can be done. As for the sense of sounds, sounds are good too, and can be tailored - I’ll talk about sounds another day.

Taste and smell is what’s on the menu today.

These two things, taste and smell, go hand-in-hand. If you have a poor sense of smell, then your sense of taste is poor too, that’s how taste works. In the case of sex poor senses can work for you (you'll be a less discernible lover) – in the case of the enjoyment of food…well…we feel bad for you.

Now, we’re no doctors so we’ll disclaim right away that the topic of which we are about the write is information we’ve learned from a small amount of internet research over the last couple of years, logic, and our own personal experimentation/experience; it's so logical however, that if you dispute it, you're an idiot.

It Cums Down to Diet and Lifestyle.

We could go on about ph balances of semen and vaginal juices/secretions. (We are so NOT going to use the word discharge…) but that’s all sciencey. We will tell you, however, that a woman’s “love nest” is highly acidic, and has to be in order to protect her from all those nasty little infections most are so prone too. Guys, if you are unfamiliar with the delicate balance that is achieved in the vagina, you should read up on it, if only to appreciate the work that goes into maintaining it and keeping it a hospitable environment for you. You have no idea. Not only that, a woman who keeps her “place” tidy is generally more inclined to have sex with you…so there’s that to appreciate.

Just as the food you eat can alter the odour your pours secrete, so can the food you eat alter the taste of your bodily fluids.

You may not be what you eat, but what you eat may be what you taste like; the foods that you put in your mouth effects the chemical reactions in your body, which alters the taste and odour of your sweat and body fluids (all of them, not just your sexy fluids).
Logic, as well as science, can tell you what the best things to eat are. Regardless if you are a man or a woman, to achieve the tastiest of nectar fruits such as melons, pineapples (the BEST in making your world a lick-able playland), strawberries, lemons, apples, cherries and mangoes come highly recommended (as does most fruit).  In the realm of non-fruit things foods such as parsley, celery, lettuces, cinnamon, peppermint, yogurt*, etc are advisable…you get the picture…fresh fruits and vegetables are your friend for a variety of reasons…not just for your waistline and overall health…(we have a year and a half of university nutrition study under our belt, we're not totally off the cuff here)

Obviously on the other end of the spectrum there are the foods that, if you think about it logically, make complete sense for creating a negative taste “explosion”.  It’s recommended that one backs away/limits a diet high in sugars, soda, alcohol, acid based food, high carbohydrates, heavy meats, processed foods and fast foods.

Not all vegetables are created equal either – it’s suggested that a limit on those that are strong in flavour (limit, not cut out, because that would suck): asparagus, garlic, spicy foods, dairy*, onions, cabbage, etc…we’re sure you get the idea.

By all means, do not stop eating those foods's called balance!

It should be no surprise that a diet heavy in salt, acid, chemicals and preservatives are going to negatively impact your below the waist taste, so make sure if you do eat a lot of those items that you at last throw in fresh fruits, vegetables and lots of water.

Also, medications such as those for pain relief  and/or anti-depressants can affect the taste of your wonderland, so make sure in the very least you are drinking plenty of fluids. (8 large glasses a day…what’s large? About 8oz/240ml)

Meanwhile, the same goes for your man. Dating a smoker? Heavy drug user? A guy who eats a lot of fast food and/or has a poor diet? We feel bad for you. We feel bad because we know what his “essence” tastes like: bitter and sour…and the texture probably questionable…

We suggest you start changing some of his habits, ever so slightly – and you should use the increase in potential  blow jobs and the likeliness of swallowing as a bribe of sorts. You’ll both thank us later.

We dated one guy that completely ruined our enjoyment of the activity in question, so much so that we could hardly handle doing it at all…we won’t talk about that, or our disappointment in not being able to do that…the mere memory of the taste and texture is liable to send us in a gagging fit.

Trust us on this topic of a healthy diet in relation to a happy oral experience. We know what we’re talking about and if you need personal references from us…well, they probably won’t talk to you, but they’ll grin and nod their head in agreement with us.

Do a little research on your own. It's pretty easy to do if you have some time, which you clearly do if you are reading our blog.

Note: It may takes up to four days to detect a taste difference if you’re coming off a terrible diet of alcohol, smoking and fast food. Got a hot date next weekend? Start eating healthy on Tuesday, you should be fine. (and by all means, let us know how it goes!)

*the exception to dairy is yogurt, it’s got a different makeup due to the healthy live active bacterial cultures (not all bacteria is bad!) and it is great for you!

Keeping It Clean.

A well maintained grounds and proper hygiene can go a long way…

While you’d think good hygiene includes using soap on your nether regions, if you are a woman you should note that many soaps have a high pH and are an enemy to your balance. Your lady takes care of herself in that department, and it’s recommended that you simply wash the area with fresh water, and if needed, a VERY mild soap.(1) (men, for gods sake, some of you need all the soap you can not stop using it...your area is neutral on the pH can handle the soap)

For woman only: DO NOT douche unless you have to…it also upsets the ph balance and strips away all of the healthy bacteria that works to keep things in check, and makes your vagina prone to the nasty little bad-bacterial takeovers…

Anal sex and keeping it clean…that should be a no-brainer. You’ve heard it, and if you're us the movie you remember it from is 'Clerks II'; “Never go ass to mouth”, but it’s barely written that you should NEVER go ass to vagina…trust us…just…trust us. Those girls in porn have got to be on a variable panel of medications for some of the stuff they do, particularly the double dipping back and forth action of anal/vaginal sex - those videos hardly ever have any editing in them so you know, you just KNOW…they’re going ass to…everywhere…else.

In Conclusion
Healthy eating isn't just for those crunchy granola types, it's also for people who enjoy healthy happy sex, and a lot of it.

We hope you enjoyed my writing today. While I may be the one that doesn't like food much, I am also the one who know that if we have to eat, it's got to be the good fruits and least to make up for when I am not in charge - when they eat all sorts of crappy foods that I don't approve of.



1 comment:

  1. Radical! I totally love this. Seriously, people need to know. I'm thankful I've read Men's Health for reasons such as this!