Going out in public zaps our brain pretty quickly, four hours of no music, having to listen to traffic, and people yammering…fries us to the core.
It’s different, being out in public, not being able to jam the ear buds in our ears and tune out the entire world. It’s not a pleasant feeling. We told James on the walk home that if we could just listen to our iPod and telepathically communicate with him that life would be prefect outside of the apartment.
Back in the day, what, less than a month ago, we could actually sit down and write, and it was much easier to do with nothing but going to work and coming home to do, and the odd dance at the grocery store with our music and relative solitude. With nobody here when we got home except Twitter and the cats, it was much easier to communicate with each other…all this extra leaving the house, being in public with no music and having to communicate verbally, having to answer questions and think outside of our system, is really taxing on us. It’s so hard to write, to bring us together.
We haven’t written about the couple of years between culinary school and starting work at the place we were just fired from, but in those two years we had copious amounts of time to ourselves, even though we were in a relationship, because we were self employed and that meant at least 8 hours a day with ourselves…but we’ll write more about that in the next entry of the history of us.
Today was much better; we went to a doctor appointment in the early afternoon and then took a bus to a big grocery store in the area that we are never okay with going to by ourselves. We’ve been there once this year when we had to take the work vehicle home for a week.
We never really leave the mile or so vicinity around our apartment by ourselves unless absolutely necessary, so having James with us helped to a certain degree.
We know he can read most of us pretty well, and he is sensitive to the fact that in a moment while in public we can switch and it can become very noticeable to anyone who is aware of our particular problems, but then we can switch back and it can be fine; but in the switch can be overwhelming confusion, anger, sadness…panic. Most of us agree he has been able to adapt well to us, but it’s mostly in part to the hours and hours and HOURS of Skyping, no matter our moods, no matter who we were, no matter what…that we knew he has to witness before booking a flight to see us.
Other things that makes leaving the house and being far away from the apartment is food. Eating when leaving the house becomes an issue because we lose some time on occasion and before we know it we’ve surpassed the time frame in which we should have eaten something, an apple at least, and then no matter who is alert in our system we get agitated, more angry than is usual for some of us and for a lack of a better work, extra stabby. It happens so much when we are not at home that it’s just another reason we don’t like to leave the house much anymore.
We don’t have much to say today, other than we guess we did, so we guess we didn’t have anything specific to say.
We’re working on the entry that’s been in the process for days now, the entry that Cassandra mentioned yesterday in her post, the post she did mandated by all who could convince her she needed to write it out and stop fucking torturing us all.
We know it’s odd for people to read our writing sometimes and they probably ask themselves, and probably want to ask us why the hell we share so much with everyone; but as stated over and over in our blog, other than raising awareness and trying to connect with others who struggle with what we do, we want to help people see that there are alternatives to medication, and spending tons on therapy…there is writing as therapy, and there is art as therapy…there are healthy and inexpensive alternatives to at least try in a time when so many are jobless and stuck in a low income cycle but are also struggling with mental health issues, or mental strain – and we want to be able to show others how we do it, so that they can do it too.
Since starting on Twitter we have inspired dozens of people to start their own blogs to deal with many issues, some that have kept them private and shared their links with us, some that have made them public to share with the world. Whether or not they continue for a week, a month, a year…or stop and come back to it years from now, at least they know that it’s an option. That’s why we do this…to help people find options.
We know that on Twitter we come off sometimes as very hateful, bitter, angry people, and you know what? We are, sometimes. People who get to know us get to know other parts of us, and we’ve been told we are also caring, and kind, and all other things human (though we’ll deny it to our deaths! *wink*). Being angry and bitter, or even hateful doesn’t mean we don’t care about some people. We care about people who struggle with illness, mental, physical, otherwise…we care about people who acknowledge the fact that you can think freely and you don’t have to like everyone…and life is serious, but in life you have to find the humour in the serious to survive – at least we’ve had to. We care about people who respect others for their individuality, and do not expect everyone to be a cookie created from a cutter of life…because it’s the closest to peace you can achieve, to respect differences in people.
Every year we have been alive, individually and together, we see the world change, just like those people before us, and it’s scary, probably as scary as it was for them, and it’s going to get scarier…and without a little humour, and a little skill on ways to cope when it all comes crashing down, we’ve got nothing, we’ve all got nothing.
Now, hopefully the end of this blog entry didn’t make you gag and roll your eyes as much as it made one of us…
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