I am not having a good day.
For some of us it is hard to write when we feel like our space is being invaded, which I feel like today. We sent James out to get some ingredients so we can make him banana bread and so that I would have time to write because I guess some feel like I have things I need to say, and I don’t want to say them to James because I don’t like sharing my feelings with him. I don’t want him to know me, even though I know he has to.
There has been a certain level of sharing of feelings this past week, with James and the others, more so James sharing with us about how he feels. Frank is working on an entry about that but I keep not letting her finish it.
Almost all the others, that is to say all but Catherine and I, really like James, they like him to do things for them, and they like that he enjoys doing things for them, they like that he is nice and sweet and they like that knows when not to be nice and sweet to us. I don’t want him to do things for us, I can do things myself and I don’t want to be treated like a child.
I just want to disappear. I have been being stubborn and difficult and trying to push him away, which makes the rest of them angry.
The others figure the only way to work through this is to write about how I am feeling because it’s the only thing that works for us. So this will be the entry I write full of nonsense because I only have so long to sit here and cry and write my feelings down before he gets back. I know it worries him when he sees tears in the eyes.
I am one of the only two that don’t like James like the rest of them like him, not to say we don’t like him…just not like-like him…like they do.
I have been sitting on the sidelines for almost a week now while those who’ve bothered to enjoy James’ company have, so far they have not all decided to be in representation; I’ve had a keen interest only because the outcome of this visit effects me and Catherine so much, and I’ve been thinking about the boy that I love, Special Someone.
Frank wrote about how Catherine and I love someone else, and for days whenever I have been “around” and happen upon Special Someone’s presence on Twitter it causes me to be upset, and causes me to try to make us withdraw and be mean; and now that I have gotten a day to myself, a day with the body, I have been nothing but sassy and mean to James, mostly...but striving to maintain happiness on account of the others.
James is nice enough and I don’t want his feelings hurt, most of us don’t like hurting people’s feelings. He knows that Catherine and I love someone else, he read about it in one of our recent blog entries about how we were all feeling about his visit; Someone Special knows that we love him, and we think he loves us, based on things he has said to us and time we have spent together with him. Catherine and I miss him and have not seen him in a couple of weeks.
We are, I am, upset that the rest of the others have decided to be in a relationship with James because this means we don’t get to be with Special Someone and it makes me mad and makes me want to destroy the relationship the rest of them are forming with James.
He wants me to talk to him, James does, and I don’t want to. I don’t want him to know me, to know who he is talking to specifically. None of us like that anyway. But he’ll read this entry and he’ll know exactly who he has been spending the day with and then he’ll know the name to put to the person he doesn’t like, who has been mean and Tweeting mean things about him today. He’ll know who to like better, like when he told us stuff about Emmie and being worried about pleasing her, and some of us thought that it wasn’t fair that he should be so concerned about her and not the rest of us, and Emmie is always the one the boys like the best because she is dirty and fun and likes to be extra fun in bed.
I know it is my responsibility, like it is the rest of us, to let him be nice to us, to try to be nice to him, to allow him to put his arms around us like he was just doing when we laid in bed…because that’s how we are supposed to work together, because we don’t know how not to work that way.
I don’t know, none of this will make sense to most of you reading, mostly because it’s hard to explain how we work…but we’ve written stuff about it, and if you have questions just ask, we've answered them for people before. It makes sense to us, to have laid down ground rules this year, what with all the changes that have happened in our lives…I just hope that it’s okay that I wrote all of this.
James will be back soon. Hopefully he gets a bottle of wine, because I know some of them would like to have a drink so they can maybe get me to stop crying or pass out – we tried to take a nap earlier but it didn’t work so well.
~Cassandra
(To Special Someone, if you are reading, and I hope you are reading this entry…the clovers have lost their Christmas – I think the bees chased then away. #subtweet. I miss you.)
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