Sunday, July 31, 2011

'Who's Here Today?' James' Blog Post

Just a brief intro for those who land here first, rather than anywhere else on this the banner at the top for starters...and if you're still curious read our writing we have a page of recommendations, weeded from the copious amounts of crap that gets written here on this blog:
Our new boyfriend, James, is helping us raise awareness and such by sharing what it's like staying with us, to read how we met James you can read this blog entry:
This is his most recent entry, and as usual he said we can carry it over to here to share with our readers...
[wanna see a picture of our cute boyfriend? Hop over to our Tumblr account:)
Who's here today?
I should probably start writing these posts earlier as once I again so many details escape me though to be honest I can not guarantee it would be much better...
Today (Saturday 30th July) was a good day; a long day but a good one. I can't remember much about the time at the appartment before we went out, certainly not anything about their mood first thing so I'll jump ahead.
I have to admit that one thing I do remember about the morning, the walk to the museum and the first half hour maybe was that I was feeling very cautious. I couldn't help but feel they were stressed or upset and my fear was that just below the surface (for want of a better term) was an angry alter. I was quiet. I was careful about what I said on the few occasions I did speak. Trouble is I know that that in itself isn't the best way to behave and trying to force myself to be more vocal, more myself was on;y adding to the anxiety.
But like I said, moods were good for the most part and the trip to one of the local museums was a nice one. Weather again was scorching and even though there was a wind it was just as warm. [snip] Ok, so I was going to describe the entire day but it's not necessary and really detracts from what I'm trying to write about.
They seemed different today. I may have mentioned it but we have rules and some of them include I don't ask about specific alters and I certainly never ask to speak to a specific alter though for these entries I am allowed to write about them in context, to a point. This entry is about my belief that I may be starting to recognise some of the alters.
I recently had a talk with Frank (et al) about my take on these rules and how there is one aspect I am curious about. I have a very black and white view of the alters in so much as it's a very specific set of traits for each personality (alter). For example, when they are playful is that another side to say Frank or is it another alter? I was curious to get to know more about each alter, gain a better understanding of them. Unfortunately that breaks the rules, both theirs and mine.
This lack of a full understanding is possibly why I suspect quite strongly that I spent today and maybe a bit of yesterday with Ivy and/or Melody. This is purely based on the impression that there seemed to be a child like quality to them and I am certain it wasn't the twins (Cassandra and Catherine). Bethany has been missing a while though I think she is close by; the odd action of comment stirring thoughts / making me wonder but not "here" enough to make me think it was her.
Like I said, I have to be careful how I approach such subjects so have not questioned them about it. As I will mention when I get around to what should have been the first two posts, as far as I am concerned (in how I "treat" them) they are one person both physically (of course) and mentally. They've never had to tell me that (though I was reminded recently) as it's how I've always thought of them (I'm already labouring this point, it will be discussed later).
Anyhoo, back to today... It was a fantastic day, we had a lot of fun; we spent a lot of time talking about how best to dispose of annoying kids (all of them) and their parents and laughing about the exhibits (some of which you got to see on Twitter). The second half of the trip to the museum was spent trying to find descreet locations where we could erm... I believe the signs in public pools calls it "heavy petting". I'm sure we raised a lot of eyebrows and became the topic of many conversations as numerous times we'd all but get caught and have to exit what ever exhibit we were at / in completely failing to look calm and collected.
We moved to a part of the museum where we could get a more hands-on with the exhibits, a learning section designed for kids to see how things worked. Their eyes lit up when we arrived here and they were practically skipping about. They spotted an exhibit with water running through it where you can play and building dams and they ran to it, immediately grabbing small scoops and pushing the sand up the "river". Another exhibit involving lifting things and they were off again, the only adult to play on it. And they spotted a low table with colouring crayons and drawings on it and that really made them happy. They skipped over to it sitting down and immediately started to colour in one of the drawings. It was a fantastically silly sight as the table and chairs were designed for 5-10 year olds and there is this nigh on 6' woman all legs and arms perched on a seat. I watched them and took photos (I may be able to edit one enough that I can post it). And I knew. I knew instantly Bethany was there. No question about it. I desperately wanted to talk to them and whilst I could never be too specific or obvious about things I was so curious. But I just watched, occasionally leaving them to check out an exhibit but never leaving them for long. I still don't know, I haven't asked if I'm right. I am aware they a have posted a blog and I promised not to read it till this one was finished so shortly I will know. But I'm sure I'm right. And at that moment I was sure enough to be so happy. For if it was Bethany then I can finally stop worrying about her disappearance.
We had to leave the museum as soon as the colouring was done as it was shutting. I took photos of the drawing (the shading was perfect!!) and asked if they wanted to keep it but someone else had coloured the back in so they opted to leave it.
When we got outside they spotted an dropped toy, a little matchbox type car that they bent down and pushed along the pavement for a bit before placing it their bag "it's mine now" they said and again I smiled at the prospect of Bethany emerging once more. The rest of the walk home was ... for want of a better phrase, back to normal. We were both hungry and talked about what we wanted to eat and where. I spotted a British style pub so we shared a burger and proper chips. Later that evening we would have a late dinner at an Indian restaurant.
The rest of the evening was uneventful but wonderful (bar their new shoes causing blisters / sores on their feet). We ate far too much (which seems to make them a bit cranky) and we had an early night.
I hope I'm right, I hope it was Bethany. That's not to imply of course any preference but just because I have been concerned that she hasn't been able to or unwilling to come out / to the front.
Oh, one final thought about yesterday, I wasn't entirely sure that Frank was around but I haven't thought about that enough, just an impression...
[copied from the original location - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]
Other entries from this week that James has shared:

"A Rough Night, Not The Good Kind" James' Blog Post
Some helpful terminology imported from our public blog where we do our mapping therapy ( which is currently not being worked on as we try to find a job, and contemplate moving...again:
Personality Specifics
Alter: alter states, selves, parts (a subjective term); distinct personalities; fragments alternate personality, personality state, ego state or identity with its own unique perspectives, abilities, memories or other traits that differ from the Host or Executive personality.
The Core: The original birth personality.
Host: is the alter personality who dominates the control of the body most of the time and is often unaware of the other personalities. The host is usually the alter personality who will initiate after experiencing symptoms of mental distress, such as, anxiety, triggers or recovered memories.
Executive: When a personality (alter ego) has control of the body.
Switch: To switch from one personality to another. The process of an alter coming out from the subconscious mind into the consciousness mind while the other alter (who was already in the consciousness mind) slips back into the subconscious mind.
Who's out? A common question used to determine which personality is executive or host.
Co-conscious(ness): (The Core) A state of being aware of what the other personalities are doing and saying.
Other Terms:
Acquired: Anything that is not present at birth but develops some time later. In medicine, the word "acquired" implies "new" or "added." An acquired condition is "new" in the sense that it is not genetic (inherited) and "added" in the sense that was not present at birth.
Triggers: Hysterical conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; re-experienced again.
Dissociation: In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
Re-live: A total memory recall (includes visual, emotional, physical and all other senses).
Losing time: Also known as a Dissociative Fugue, is the period of which an alter personality is in the subconscious mind and has no recollection of the time that is being utilized by the alter personality who is occupying the conscious mind. Therefore when the alter switches into the conscious mind they realize that minutes, hours, days, or even months and years have passed since they were last aware of time.
System: is the structure of relationships between the alter personalities who live within the internal world of a survivor with D.I.D.! Every system is created and operates in it's own unique way, just like every family living in their own homes run their households different from the next door neighbor.
Inner (Self) Helper: is usually the alter personality who has a good understanding of the system and how it works. The I.S.H. is also among the typical group of helpers or protector personalities.
Grounding: is the process of disrupting a dissociative episode and is accomplished by tugging on an earlobe, rubbing the hands together, or shuffling the feet back and forth. This type of physical stimuli can bring the survivors mind back to awareness of their surroundings, and helps to make them feel less animated.
(these terms are pulled from a wide array of sources throughout the internet and are ones we choose to use in writing, on occasion, to talk about the things that happen in our lives)

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