The Last Blog Post

The time has come to officially retire this blog.
It will remain, as is, but there will no longer be new entries.

This blog, started nearly 10 years ago, born out of a need to write for therapeutic purposes...even if at the birth of it that wasn't clear. It evolved into an important outlet to finally deal with lifelong abuse, trauma, and metal health issues.
Over the past few years I haven't written anything new of note (mostly about dead pets and physical health issues), not wanting to harm the people currently in my life, using my Twitter account as my primary outlet for life's many frustrations. As such, this blog went into stasis, the stories of the past several years tucked away for much further in the future, perhaps for an alternative format.

In the meantime this particular space has ran its course. It connected me with myself in very important ways, and with people all over the world, creating a web of supportive amazing people, all of which have healed me as much as I think I can be healed. And I can only hope I have been able to do the fraction of the same for them.

It's time for a new journey, a whole new adventure.

As many of the followers of Twitter have noticed, I have been living in tandem between the Midwest and Los Angeles for about two years now. After much consideration I have decided to start trying to relocate permanently. I don't know how long it's going to take, because I'm attempting to change careers (which actually has nothing to do with the new exciting project I'll tell you about next). Despite allegedly low unemployment, and "great economy", the opportunities that are currently available, in the Midwest as well as Los Angeles, are primarily low wage jobs, and resume submissions for moderate wage employment so far has gone ignored. After talking to many people in the same situation, I will tell you this: it's not a good atmosphere in which to be seeking employment. I never imagined it would be this difficult even with two degrees and years and years of experience. But I digress.

Living in Los Angeles has been an amazing opportunity and experience. I have not felt this at home or as happy, as I am when I am in California, in at least 8 years, despite the shitty and disappointing people I have come to meet and move on from.
The amazing people I now have in my life in Los Angeles, as well as those who have stuck with me online, have helped give me the strength and courage to take the next steps to this new adventure.

I have decided to develop an online community of, and for, people who desire to improve their lives and health through the Keto/low-carb lifestyle - one I have lived for nearly 16 years now and which has utterly changed my life.

Additionally, I am making strides to start a cooking show hopefully to be broadcast on YouTube, finally utilizing my culinary arts degree and cooking skills again in a fun and positive way, to help people learn about cooking from a keto and low carb perspective.
More on that...

View this post on Instagram

⚠ A personal low-carb/keto success story ⚠ - In January 2004 I saw these before pictures and I could not believe my eyes. I had no idea I had gotten that fat. It was a wake up call. I immediately went on Atkins and within 9 months lost almost 100 lbs. It was a life changer. Over the years the weight fluctuated up and down, but I was always able to keep off the first 70 lbs. Due to health issues, stress, and anxiety over the last 2 years it started to swing up again and became difficult to drop the sudden weight gain. So to try something new, I turned to Keto. It felt even better than Atkins. And I ended up losing that extra weight, plus 20 more lbs than the initial 100 all those years before. 120 lbs! And it's still dropping! - This 16 year weight loss journey is now near a fully sustainable end. Always a heavy kid, there's no memory of ever being this lightweight...I probably haven't weighed this little since being TEN YEARS OLD. At 5'11½" 155 lbs is very healthy and people have said the weight loss should stop. Size S tops are too big and I'm now buying pants in sizes 0-4 (varied depending on manufacturer/cut). - I see so many people struggling with health issues due to excess fat and obesity and feel that with the right inspiration and support they could turn their life around. [I have perfect blood work/cholesterol/ blood pressure] - That's why I plan to start a YouTube Keto/Low Carb cooking channel with easy alternatives to traditional SAD (Standard American Diet) meals. And why I created @FUKetoKlub, to help coach, guide & support those on their own weight loss journey. I don't know where any this will end up. My weight loss journey is over, and this is going to be a whole new journey. - So if you're interested in advice, resources, tips, seeking people who understand what you're going through, or want to inspire others with your success, you've got a place with the member of @FUKetoKlub. You can find the group on FB, as well as all over social media where we'll share our stories, pass on & provide resources across multiple platforms, and build a supportive community with connections to ensure a lifetime of health and success. - Thank you for reading! 😊

A post shared by Frankie (@the_real_just_call_me_frank) on Dec 8, 2019 at 1:10pm PST

This new adventure requires new platform presences to honor this new chapter.

You can find all of the connections to this project - Frankie's United Keto Klub - in the following places:

Social Media:

 @FUKetoKlub

  @FUKetoKlub   

  @FUKetoKlub

Website Coming Soon with video, testimonials, information, and blog content!
(Have a keto/low-carb lifestyle success story to share?
Come on over to any of the social media links and let's chat!)

The Facebook Support Community:

All keto/low-carb cooking related content here:

www.cookingwithfrankie.com

and

more content here - including ridiculous videos as I attempt to learn to be comfortable in front of a video camera (update: I think I'm comfortable now?)

www.instagram.com/the_real_just_call_me_frank

Update! I can now be found on YouTube, here:
 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwOukmlWEameW6DxRi_koZw?view_as=subscriber

So that's it. This is the end.

Thank you to everybody who has contributed to this blog over the years as guest contributors. You have been amazing.

Thank you all, dear readers, for the continued support and for continuing to come back to read everything here, some of which has been weird to read.

As the banner of this blog states. This was Our Endeavour at Being Frank. And we are now fully her.

Settling In

It's official, we're moved in.

It's taking some getting used to, the bathroom needs to be updated, needs a mirror, needs a shower we can turn around in, needs better water pressure and temperature controls; but it's lovely, being on our own again. Mentally we're so much better, despite the stress of moving and some arguments with James.

A day of packing on Thursday, a day of unpacking, some lost days (just don't remember them), and now the painting. There are of course a few things sitting around waiting to find a home.

In the process of starting to paint the living room yesterday we discovered knob and tube wiring in the living room, where we did not expect it. We knew the house had some, but thought it was mostly on the second floor.

Knob and tube wiring is not good in a heavily electronic age (it's actually a big fire hazard); and we're big on electronics too.

So after the living room is painted we're holding off on the dining room, because you guessed it: We're gutting the main floor for a re-wire within the next 6 months. Not only because of the electrical work, but because the plaster and lath walls have buckled a bit below the windows in the both the living room and the dining room. So that means the floors won't be refinished until summer either. .

There are a few things we and James ended up overlooking that are now being discovered - but nothing we can't handle considering what we were going to be willing to do in the Weeping Willow property, had we gotten that back in October.
The radiators that run the length of many of the rooms are old, and the fins that surround the pipes are bent and warped, and some missing, which not only makes them inefficient, but also causes all sorts of unholy noises in the middle of the night.
Plus they are an eye-sore, so when the gutting happens, we'll be replacing them with something better.

Suddenly there are a lot of things that need to be done before we start University classes at the end of August.

The new sofa was delivered today, as well as our new elliptical exercise machine, and the cable and internet were installed (thankfully!). Tomorrow we get the new washer and dryer, and then we can start figuring out when to order the other appliances (upgrading to a gas stove, a new fridge and dishwasher). Every appliance in the house is easily 30 years old and sucks energy.

The house, in it's 103 year old glory, has character, it's gorgeous (though it needs a major facelift), it's comfortable. Soon we'll have a bunch of pictures to show you.

It's home.

We're finally home.

'Twas The Night Before Moving Day...

Tomorrow is moving day!

We won't have reliable internet access until Tuesday morning, though we'll have a bit from our smartphone data plan to get by...it doesn't much matter anyway...

Went to a home building store today to look at back-splash tiles and kitchen counter-tops..and eight gallons of paint later, we're ready to spend the weekend in the new living room and dining room covered in liquid colour while James goes to work.

It's "we can taste it" real now.

Onward, and upward...and on to the real relationship fun...like arguing for nearly two hours about kitchen back-splash tiles...

Oh, btw...this is our new house:

And the rooms we're be painting...

This Has Been An Upbeat Entry

We went shopping yesterday and bought a new sofa for the house (which closes Thursday), had lunch (buffalo wings), went to a movie (Identity Thief), attended James' work event (bowling and pizza), and went to play pool (we sucked at it) with a handful of the people after. Stumbling in at roughly 2am we were happy, and a bit "tipsy". It was a long day and we survived it with very little anxiety. We haven't actually been out with people since...the Detroit Tweetup last May.

It was a really fun night. Even the part where we walked out onto a bowling lane to push a ball a guy (James' best work friend, who is a complete riot to hang out with) purposely got stuck in the gutter, and bit it. As in feet flying in the air, flat on our back. It was a perfect landing. We seriously didn't know they grease the lanes. We probably should have realized it, what with how they shine more than the rest of the floor. Sometimes we're not so smart. In any case, we met some great people, funny, interesting to talk to.

Can hardly wait until we fuck up those budding friendships...*sigh*

So this afternoon is the walk-through for the house. We'll measure stuff, and take pictures, and try to contain the overwhelming excitement building up inside. We'll be moving the first load of stuff Thursday afternoon and spending the weekend painting before the sofa arrives, and before we move all of our stuff from storage.

A wonderful and patient boyfriend, possible new friends, a new house all of our own - all we need is a job to sustain us until University classes start in the fall - it'll be like we're living a whole new life.

[This has been a horrible upbeat and positive blog entry...scary, right?]

Under Pressure

The upcoming move is causing...stress. Or maybe it's just the expectation.

During almost the entirety of our relationship with James if feels like we've been living in this house, with The Mother, and The Stepdad. Except for the first month we spent with James (July-August '11), and the second month when he returned from England before we had to leave Canada (September-October '11), and the months in England (January - May '12), we've been here, in this house.
He feels we're not the same as we used to be; we're not the same as when he first met us, according to him.

The feeling is mutual, of course.

He's less happy, he's moody, he's angrier than we remember him being, he's unhappy.

With his job he has become a little more himself again, of course - those bits of the "old him" we see, warm our heart. But still, he is not the same easy-going type of guy we had believed him to be. The only thing that hasn't changed is his love for us.

Isn't that how relationships are though? People change.
With our particular mental health issues, we tend to shift heavily from "time-to-time" (sometimes hourly), but not really change; we really don't feel like we're any different than we have ever been since we "came out of the closet" with our DID. Honestly. Most of the time we feel pretty content, normal. Actually, more normal than two years ago, most of the time.
Sure our living situation is not ideal, and the stress and issues have made some of us...less...here. But we really don't feel different. We don't feel we've changed.

We've been heavy drinkers since he met us.
We've been up front, "mouthy", confrontational, when need be since he met us.
We've been sweet, kind, loving, funny, innocent, caring, when we are those of us who are those of us, since he met us.
And everything in between that makes us us.

He has expressed his hopes that once we move things will go back to "normal". We're terrified  We don't even know what that is. We don't think things are that abnormal, all things considered.

We have a variety of opinions about it, obviously. Everything ranging from "He's a sodding moody bastard, and he's the one who has changed." to "How can we change back not knowing how we've changed in the first place.", to "Let's just integrate and let the chips fall where they may" (That's the most difficult one to swallow).

Under pressure. No big thing. Right?

You're Right...

...we've really got nothing to blog about tonight.

We did get a call for a pre-qualification meeting for a job (it's security work, "pre-qualification" is normal)...but it's at the same time we have a walk-through scheduled for the new house (on Monday); so we told the guy we might have to miss it, and inquired about future meetings.

But really we're holding out for a certain job we applied for...that will fit nicely into our University schedule this coming fall.

We've waited for things before that bit us in the ass...so, we don't know what to do. Guess we'll wait and chew our nails. It would really be nice to work again though.

In the meantime, it's six days until the walk-through for the new house, and about 9 days until closing. It's coming fast. We're excited to reduce some of the anxiety that comes with 5 o'clock and beyond.

The Weekend Upon Us

We spend a lot of the week on the internet. Most people recognize this. Like, a lot. It's always at our fingertips, no matter where we are.

So on the weekend we compromise, we spend most of the two days with James; we shy from Twitter, we don't blog (unless it's a "therapeutic emergency"). We usually don't even power up our laptop. Of course we miss being online. We still play rounds of Words with Friends when we can, toss out an occasional social media message.

It's the least we can do, give him our weekends (when he's not working; sometimes he works weekends) seeing as how he gives us the freedom and respect we require and desire during the week. We also don't drink on the weekend, because he doesn't really like when we drink. (Shocking, right...?); and also, two days "clean" is probably pretty healthy for us, no?

Now the weekend is upon us. We'll be doing post-Valentine's Day stuff, which is to say we'll do the same things we usually do on the weekend, except James has requested that we go to a restaurant where people aren't wearing baseball caps. They don't do that in England, apparently.

We will also start packing this weekend - this is our second to last weekend in this house before the move to our own *fingers crossed* the house closing is coming fast. Those among us who hide a lot in this environment, too weak, sensitive, or overly hateful, to handle this house, are excited to break free...

Change approaches, and the weekend is upon us.

Have a beautiful one.

Two Sentences

Two and a half weeks until moving day.
It. Cannot. Come. Fast. Enough.

Okay, that was kind of more than two sentences.

That's it for tonight.
Want more?
Recommended reading: http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/p/recommended-archives.html

Triggered: A Short Story of Anxiety

We bought a new-used Toyota 4Runner a couple of weeks ago. It was the make and model of the vehicle we were in during our car accident in '04 (just a few years newer, it's a '96). Despite the vehicle not having air-bags at the time of the accident, we survived the 75 mph semi-truck collision that night. Crumbled and broken, both the car, us and our driver, it was almost a miracle.

So naturally, having to travel almost 40 miles to and from our new house at the end of the month; particularly if we find a job, and when we start University in the fall; and for the next few years, on the same interstate where the accident took place, we thought the safest thing we could do, mentally, is have a vehicle we trust.

That was all good, until today, driving to the gym, when we gently applied our foot to the brake to turn the corner into the parking lot, at a low speed, and the ABS (Anti-lock braking system) kicked in, and the car wouldn't stop. Or maybe it didn't kick in. We're not even sure how ABS works, exactly. According to James there is an error in the programming of the third generation Toyota ABS. So, that's nice.

If you've ever experienced a braking system on ice, when it's not working properly (or maybe it is, but braking shouldn't feel like that) it sort of jerks, feels like it's shaking across the pavement. It's not stopping.

And it triggers us into a panic, even though we weren't going very fast. We had forgotten that particular feeling of the car accident. Suddenly we're staring at a giant wall of metal, and closing our eyes, holding back a scream. So. Fun.

It's almost like passing semi-trucks on the interstate, or any time we're not driving. Being a passenger makes us nervous, and so does having a passenger if we're driving.. It's not that we don't trust our driver. We don't trust anybody around us in a vehicle. And the bigger the vehicle, the most stressed and anxious we feel. If we're driving passing a truck, our knuckles are white, we're intensely focused, and our head is pounding to the beat of our heart. It's actually a very unsafe way to react. We know that. yet, we have a hard time controlling it.

In any case. Fun times.

In house hunting news: Tonight we sign our half of the paperwork on the Purchase Agreement. It's the home-stretch.

Closing The Deal!

The seller ink is dry on the purchase agreement, and we have a closing date of February 28th (or sooner, if the tenants vacate before then). Eight long months of looking, two failed bid attempts (one a "tragic" loss). This is the third property - three times a charm.

We'll be moving in a month.

We're paying less than half of what we sold our previous house for; and $30,000 less than most of the houses we have been viewing. It feels like a win.

So.

We're home owners, again (we really never wanted to try that again). This time with a man.

We own a house...with a man.

Shit just got real.

*rocks back and forth holding head*

Late Night...

If anything, the best thing about moving out will be not feeling like we're an imposition.
We can't sit in the basement all night. When we do it on the weekends it makes our back hurt, which makes us not able to sleep, which makes the weekend even worse. Tomorrow marks the two days of the week where we are relinquished to the cold basement, to sit in bed, for two days.

It's not perfect. We don't expect it to be. It will never be. We're lucky we have a place to live.

Maybe it's our own problem, that we feel like we shouldn't be sitting on this sofa, knowing they will never ask us to go to our room. The Mother will sleep. The Stepdad to his man-cave. (it's warmer out there anyway)...

It doesn't change the fact that we feel like we shouldn't be here, not wanting to be here. Just needing to be...somewhere else.

They walk in the door after a sport event they attended. It's Friday night. They ask if we' e talked to our Realtor. They left well after 7pm. Even if we did, what would have happened by now? It's just passive-aggressive behaviour, meant to make us feel...lord knows what they are trying to make us feel. We're feeling everything.

Like they think if we had a choice we'd still be here.

We're dying inside with no options.

Just more fun...

Change Afoot...and a Brief Film Review

Tomorrow we'll be looking at a promising house with a nice big yard 35 miles from the city.
Really promising. Plus, we're growing desperate...

The biggest news is that James starts work on Wednesday (!) which means changes. Changes in our online time, changes in our free time, and once (not "if", because we ARE moving...sometime) we move, it means painting time. Time to write more. Time to cook more. All the things we've mentioned before.

This weekend we went to see, hands-down, the best film we've seen in at least two years. Django Unchained. It's the new film written and directed by Quinton Tarantino. A real modern day film great.

With elements of Sergio Leone, an Italian director recognised from his writing and directing of the great "spaghetti-westerns" starring Clint Eastwood known as The Good, The Bad and The Ugly; A Fist Full of Dollars; and A Few Dollar More - and Tarantino's own fantastic direction, clever dialogue writing skill, and overall flair for creating graphic violence - the script and direction was simply...breathtaking. Pulling from American history, and treating it with his special twist; everything from the dialogue, to the action, to the cast itself, was perfection. It was almost like the script was written for the actors.

It's been awhile since he's done a film that we so wholly approved of. It tugged at every emotion in the human spectrum, but mostly made us want to watch the two-and-a-half hour movie again immediately.

So. Anyway. We went to see that on Saturday, and followed it up with a very disappointing meal at a local restaurant known locally for things we just can't agree with; and known by us, for it's ridiculous prices (for what is offered) and disappointing menu. We thought we'd give it a second chance. Second chances usually end up disappointing.

Testing...Testing...One...Two...

James got a job today.
A pretty good paying one too.

Meaning if we can't find a house to buy within a month, we'll still be moving out of here (The Mothers house)...only into an apartment instead, for a bit.

Our last day of work is Monday. It was temporary, so expected. That's okay.

We wrote this tonight...because we want to see if it will stick (granted it's a done deal...he only needs pass a drug test...and he doesn't do drugs).
But.
Seems like everything good and promising we've written about here this year has turned to shit.

Testing...testing...one...two...

Life, And Other Plans

Well, I had intended writing something worthwhile this weekend. So far that hasn't been able to happen, for various reasons.

After a couple weeks of trying to get over the heartbreak of losing the purchase of the house and property (Weeping Willow) we've been flailing each day, trying to decide what to do.

It's always been easy to figure out. Just get up and go and let's see what happens.

Despite having been married before, we were never part of the decision making as a couple.
We've been a home-owner before, and have moved all over North America, all on our own, countless times...we have always had an easy time of getting up and going.
But now we have James to consider. We can't make these decisions on our own anymore. It's harder than we thought it would be, having to make plans with another person in mind, as part of couple.

So, for now, in the attempt to at least move out of Mother's house, we are looking at real estate in the city where we are currently residing. Everything will be on the back-burner for now. Our plans to have a farm, grow a garden, live in the country away from people. Our future.

At least with our own space, our own home again, we can have a studio to paint in, and have more private space/time for writing again. And we can try to get out of the funk we keep falling into.

We start our new job tomorrow, though we will be unemployed by Christmas, at least it's an opportunity to make some extra cash while we house-hunt locally.

~ Ivy et al

It's In The Mail

Today we sent our absentee election ballot in.

Our voting is now done for the 2012 Elections.

Why absentee? We expect to be living in a different state, with any luck, on the day of election and won't be a resident to vote in that state in time and won't have 12 hours to "waste" at that point to drive all the way back to the city where we are supposed to vote. (generally you have to live in a state for at least 30 days before you are considered a resident there)

The house we are in the process of purchasing closes on the 22nd, though the paperwork they signed has the 25th listed on it, which works because we are in the middle of an addendum to our signed agreement after the inspections last Friday and the date is coming fast, we could use a couple more days for negotiations. We hope to hear back from them before the weekend. *fingers crossed*.

There is still a chance the deal will fall through; it simply comes down to the seller (bank) realizing the actual state of the house and property. If it falls through we'll be looking to moving to a large city for awhile, or putting an offer on another property in the area that we've been watching for the same amount of time we've been watching this one (almost five months).

James got his government ID to legally be allowed to work in this country, so he's halfway to being a legal resident in this country. We're pretty excited about it. The only thing that's left is an interview with immigration sometimes in the next month or so.

If two years ago, if one year ago, you said this would be our life now...we'd thought YOU were the insane one. While no day is perfect (nor should we expect it to be), and there are still many of the same issues (back pain/body pain/mental health difficulties) on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis...most of us feel we have a lot to be thankful for, and will hopefully have more if this house deal pulls through! We'll be so busy and stressed trying to get the house reno done quickly...and we'll be thankful for it.

We're not ashamed to share our vote:

We Buy The Farm

Finally! Finally the property seller has met us with an offer we can accept.

A tennis game of volleying offers and counter offers back and forth, and in the end they suddenly dropped their end by 6x's the increment they had been dropping it by, to an amount $2000 less than the offer we gave them two months ago.

So far it all looks good, with a closing date in a month. Luckily we're still packed from the last move, so getting ready to move will be more of a mental preparation as we prepare for the possibility of days without electric, running water and heat as we start renovations. (we don't know if the well works, but it needs to be replaced. The electrical is terrible, a hazard, so it needs to be replaced and the house needs to be insulated so that when we get the gas tank for the heat we don't end up wasting it... among other big things that need to be done fast before snow flies).
We'll be having several inspections done in the next 10-15 days, just for peace of mind, to make sure the situation isn't any worse than we figure (not sure how it could be *knocks on wooden coffee table*). We can always back out based on an inspection, but why would we? We've been waiting for this property since mid-June.

A distressed house in the peaceful country on 40 acres that have been vacant for about 2 years just became our next home. This will be an adventure.

Holy fuck.

We just bought the farm.

(Pictures can be found here: http://frankiesfarmadventure.blogspot.com/2012/09/three-months-laterthe-end-is-near.html)

Two Hots and A Cot of Adventure

Tuesday morning...we'll be in for some excitement.

Where will we sleep Tuesday night? Where will we cook meals? (many of us don't like eating out, we get stomach aches from most restaurant food, meaning we have to be careful about selection...sometimes we win, sometimes we lose). Where will we sleep Wednesday night? Could be London, could be Bristol (UK), could be Scotland, could be Germany...could be anywhere in Europe. James has opened up his geographic flexibility to the employment agencies...a week here, a couple of days there (contract/consultant work). For the next month we will be...who knows. Not in the flat. The keys are being handed over on Tuesday morning. The sale is finally final.

James is busy looking for some short-term contract work to get us through another month in England (longer, if he gets a good opportunity) because he can't work in the states; and in addition we can't go back just yet. It's all about timing our return because he is only allowed in the United States for 6 months out of 12, and he's already been there for three in the last six. You see where we're going with that. Hopping back and forth until required paperwork is completed. Which could, and will, take over a year.

As with much of the last 6 months, there is a lot in the air. Unstable ground below us. His flat sale is complete, which is why we have to relocate for the next month in England, and since he is getting no proceeds from it there is no cushion.

We're managing fairly well. We're not going to blow smoke up your ass and say it's all peaches and sunshine over here. Mostly we want to curl in a ball. Thankfully we have each other (as in our system) to pull us around. And Twitter to distract us.

A Spring of adventure. And you're coming along.

On the upside, wherever we land will have a shower, and possibly a fridge...something we have gone without since mid-January (except when spending the weekends with Kerry, and once with @Serenity_x). We're pretty excited about the shower prospects.

Until we figure out a place, even temporary, entries here on this blog may be random, unusual, non-existent and/or excessive.

This is our outlet, after all. In the meantime, poke around all you want, there are volumes written in the pages of this blog, some scandalous stories of our depravity, some recording of ubnfortunate points in our lives involving abuse of various types, and other tragedies, some ramblings of lunacy, some poetry and painting, some happiness, some of everything.

Anyone in Europe need a PHP Web Developer/SEO Consultant? He can start immediately! <shameless employment plug>

Two Weeks, More Change

It's official, two weeks (April 10th) and we have to be out of the flat.
Three days, roughly, and James is unemployed.

Word is not officially out on our return to the states, James will still be looking for a new job, now with the ability to relocate to anywhere in the UK for the chance to stay in England a little longer. (anybody need a website programmer, freelance or otherwise? Think that's what he does anyway...)

Returning to the states right now is not opportune, James will only be able to stay for 90 days with a Visa Waiver, he won't be able to work, and the funds from our house sale (he is getting nothing from the flat sale), so we can comfortably return with him, or buy a house, won't clear for about another 60-90 days...so, for now most of us are hoping to be able to stay in England, at least another month, because it's just starting to be spring, and very beautiful, and sunny, and we haven't seen as much as we'd like to...and all the waits for us in the United States is The Mother's basement...

But then, some of us are excited to be going back.

This weekend we are going to visit our friend Kerry Stott again, having had such a fun time last time we visited her and her family a couple of weeks ago. We want to see her at least once again, before we leave England, and before she goes in to the hospital for an operation...plus there is so much more of Cumbria to see.

All and all having some dates in mind regarding the flat, and James' job, makes things less stressful in some ways, more stressful in others...now we wait to see if he can find another one, and if he can't in about a weeks time then we will be booking the flights back to the United States.

Our plans for the year are not going as exactly as planned, but when do they ever. Despite the stress and anxiety, most of us are fairly resilient...so we'll just keep on trucking...or burning rubber...or crashing into walls. Whichever.

~ et al

Playing Pretend

We're just going to go ahead and pretend, at least from now until we wake up tomorrow, then start all over again; we're going to pretend that in 3 days we will not be packing a UHaul with the last seven years of our belongings & our life, that we will not be awaiting The Mothers arrival to assist with our move, that we will not be moving into her basement...where we will not be residing while stressing about the sale of the house we own (that is in fairly poor condition due to bad tenants). We will pretend that our boyfriends ability to stay with us in the country where we are a citizen, where we will, again, be a resident will not be an issue (he is British). We are going to pretend that we are perfectly employable in a small city, that our mental illness will hold itself back, stay hidden until the new year in the event we have to locate employment to make ends meet. We will pretend that we will be able to go through with our plans to travel, write about life on the road in the United States during what we feel is a monumental time in history (nothing like it since the 1930's, really) in as many of our perspectives, and those of others, as we can...and meet people who have become dear to us on the social networking site that is known as Twitter...

We are going to pretend we are not a failure for having to move back with her (The Mother)...for the third time since we have become of adult age.

We're just going to pretend that. And drink.

I have to. The Others have marooned me, and I am not sure why, between the twins (Catherine & Cassandra) and I, we seem to be the only one who has gotten primary executive "privileges" of the body...if you can call these privileges.

This is our, this is my, entry for the night...

As always, if you are hitting our blog, on this entry, for the first time...there is likely much you won't understand from this...this blog is many works in progress, helping those likes us, people living with, sometimes struggling with, functional dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder (most people who have it do function normally, you wouldn't even know why they are)...but also a tracking system, a record, for us, so we can bring together each of our memories, learn more about each other....and then teach others...and yeah, blah blah blah...The Others have written about all the reasons we do this...I don't need to explain them all.

This all started when Frank destroyed our core, the girl (The Other Girl) who was, as far as we all understand, born into the body we share. She messed up too many times, but now...well...here we are...without her, able to be ourselves. It's still been less than a year. It's still a process, currently doing without the aid of a therapist...but on Twitter we have met many who are in all stages of healing, dealing, and in some cases, those who have chose to integrate all of their personalities with the help of therapists. (It's hard to find those that deal with this disability)

It's a long story...I am not prepared to tell it today...other have tried.

We're moving back "home", to live with The Mother, in mere days...once again. It feels like my soul is being sucked out, and I wish it didn't. After that we'll finish the stories of the most recent years, so we can start fresh with the travel ones when we set out on our adventure.

In the meantime, this is me, signing off...

~"Ten"

Other stuff we've written (highlights of the "good stuff"), about sex, food, life, employment, relationships...and more...can be found here: http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/p/our-recommendations-weeded-from.html

Some helpful terminology imported from the public blog where we do our mapping therapy (http://wearejcmf.blogspot.com/) which is currently not being worked on due to massive life stress.

DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER A.K.A MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: TERMINOLOGY

Personality Specifics:

Alter: alter states, selves, parts (a subjective term); distinct personalities; fragments alternate personality, personality state, ego state or identity with its own unique perspectives, abilities, memories or other traits that differ from the Host or Executive personality.

The Core: The original birth personality.

Host: is the alter personality who dominates the control of the body most of the time and is often unaware of the other personalities. The host is usually the alter personality who will initiate after experiencing symptoms of mental distress, such as, anxiety, triggers or recovered memories.

Executive: When a personality (alter ego) has control of the body.

Switch: To switch from one personality to another. The process of an alter coming out from the subconscious mind into the consciousness mind while the other alter (who was already in the consciousness mind) slips back into the subconscious mind.

Who's out? A common question used to determine which personality is executive or host.

Co-conscious(ness): (The Core) A state of being aware of what the other personalities are doing and saying.

Other Terms:

Acquired: Anything that is not present at birth but develops some time later. In medicine, the word "acquired" implies "new" or "added." An acquired condition is "new" in the sense that it is not genetic (inherited) and "added" in the sense that was not present at birth.

Triggers: Hysterical conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; re-experienced again.

Dissociation: In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.

Re-live: A total memory recall (includes visual, emotional, physical and all other senses).

Losing time: Also known as a Dissociative Fugue, is the period of which an alter personality is in the subconscious mind and has no recollection of the time that is being utilized by the alter personality who is occupying the conscious mind. Therefore when the alter switches into the conscious mind they realize that minutes, hours, days, or even months and years have passed since they were last aware of time.

System: is the structure of relationships between the alter personalities who live within the internal world of a survivor with D.I.D.! Every system is created and operates in it's own unique way, just like every family living in their own homes run their households different from the next door neighbour.

Inner (Self) Helper: is usually the alter personality who has a good understanding of the system and how it works. The I.S.H. is also among the typical group of helpers or protector personalities.

Grounding: is the process of disrupting a dissociative episode and is accomplished by tugging on an earlobe, rubbing the hands together, or shuffling the feet back and forth. This type of physical stimuli can bring the survivors mind back to awareness of their surroundings, and helps to make them feel less animated.

(these terms are pulled from a wide array of sources throughout the internet and are ones we choose to use in writing, on occasion, to talk about the things that happen in our lives)

Trick or Treat! Happy Halloween!

FINALLY.
We turned the keys in to the caretaker and had our final inspection for the old apartment...it was sad, walking away from the door of the only home we've had that we never really wanted to leave. Saying goodbye the street we lived on, by far the coolest place we've ever lived...saying goodbye to the street where we used to dance on the sidewalks during the weekends, Twitter in hand. Goodbye to the grocery store where we danced on danced, listened to music and tweeted in the early days. Goodbye, liquor store...where they knew our face too well.

We turned in the hall outside the apartment as we were walking away...

"One last time" we said to The Boyfriend. And we reached our hand to the door to twist the knob below the peep hole that rang the coolest doorbell ever, it sounds ancient. Sad face.

Moving is never hard for us, this time it was a little than usual. We've moved over 26 times in the past 18 or so years, mostly as "adults". We're growing tired of it. And so much had happened to us in the year we lived in that apartment


But, it's done, this time, it's clean...we will never be back there again. Tomorrow, all going to plan, we meet with a real estate agent and asses the damage on the property we've been renting for a year, but tonight. Tonight we drink on a comfy bed in a local hotel, and watch cable (we haven't watched TV in over a year)...hopefully catch some Halloween specials on TV...maybe something with giant rabbits.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN...we don't get candy this year, just like last year...but we have the best, sweetest, treat ever...The Boyfriend by our side.
And now...your Treat!
~Ivy

This video contains A LOT of scenes containing blood, graphic violence, gore, death...you know, all the right fixin's for Halloween.

This clip is almost 9 minutes long...just a heads up...or off.