Saturday, August 6, 2011

'I Talk To Cassandra' James' Blog Post

We got nothing for today...but we've imported an entry James wrote on his blog about one of us....
Meanwhile, some stuff we've written about James:
...and James’s new blog post...happy Saturday night everyone (or, Sunday morning...or whatever day it is when you read this entry...)
I talk to Cassandra
This post relates to events on Thursday 4th August 2011.

Well this is possibly the scariest post I've written to date. I have no idea how they will react to this.

"What's wrong sweety?" they ask.
It's around mid afternoon. I've been quiet all morning. I was quiet a lot yesterday (3rd August). Not sure as I write this if I want to say what happened yesterday that is the cause of my quietness.

Unusually I'm sat on the sofa so I pat the cushion next to me to call them over. "We know something is wrong, we can tell". They're right, something is wrong; something has been on my mind for the past 24 hours. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again, I explain. For the last 24 hours I've sensed that right under the surface there's a lot of anger, anger aimed at me. They've been snapping at me a lot. I try to give examples but as per my memory lets me down. The one I could think of at the time was when I tried to suggest that they paint. I am doing this as they asked me to. They asked me to make them paint more. And as a rule that means not drinking*. So I said that they should paint. They said no, semi-playfully; I mention it again, they said they didn't want to. A pause. "We said we don't want to paint". It was said with spit, with anger, with almost hatred. I stop, stunned. "OK" I say and sit down (at the table where we spend a lot of time - the laptops are on it). Just as quickly they're talking again about twitter. This has happened about half dozen times, each time a switch like this. I know who it is, it's Cassandra. She's been there since yesterday because yesterday was her day. She arranged it.

They go quiet. They turn their head away from me. They're... sulking....
I ask them to talk to me. "I don't want to talk to you". ... Again I pause, they said "I" and I know exactly what's happened. Cassandra. Now it's just Cassandra sitting there. Later she would tell me that the others told her she has to talk to me, or I think more accurately they are going to leave her with me as they feel she should talk to me. Knowing (sensing) that it's just Cassandra I speak directly to her. I always say "you" of course but now I make a point to ensure my tone and inflections are clearly reflecting that I am speaking to "one". I try and talk. I try and get Cassandra to talk to me but each time they turn away and say "I don't want to talk to you". I stay where I am. I want to get up and just leave her to sulk but I can't. I don't want to. Instead I continue stroking their arm and talking to them. I ask questions. She rarely answer but I keep asking. I tell her that it's ok to be angry. If she wants or needs to shout at me she can. It doesn't matter what she says, no matter how hurtful she thinks it might be to me she shouldn't be afraid to say it to me. Eventually Cassandra does start to respond but she says that the others are angry at her. That she doesn't tell me what she's thinking because it upsets the others and they get angry at her. I talk about my reaction to her sometimes hurtful words which often results in me taking time out i another room and she says they are angry at her for that too. I feel so bad. I apologise to her. I tell her that maybe that's a little unfair of them to blame her for my reactions. We talk more about this and I reassure her that it IS ok to tell me things. I don't know how it would work but if I have to I will try and explain that to the others that it's my request so they shouldn't be angry with Cassandra.

Cassandra says she wants to run away sometimes because of the anger and upset she feels about me being there but also (mainly??) because the others are angry at her for the way she has treated me. "No! You can't. You mustn't" I plead. "Please don't do that. If for no other reason than I don't want you to do that". I make her promise that she won't do that and after a bit more talking she promises.
Slowly Cassandra opens up more, becomes less defensive. She asks for an apple and I go and get one. She starts to object, which she does often when I try and do things and I tell her that it's ok to let me do things, that it doesn't mean I'm trying to take her independence away. She sits back again and says "OK" so I get an apple for each of us. We talk about apples?!?
Over the next 30 - 60 minutes we talk about a lot of what has gone on over the last few days. It turns out I may have blamed her for some things that weren't her fault and I apologise (these were never previously voiced). I explain that sometimes I struggle with the idea concept of "is it an angry Frank (or other alter) or just Cassandra". As we talk Cassandra starts to relax a lot more, be more comfortable talking to me. We even have a small laugh together about things. Eventually she says she wants to go and play on twitter so I say "ok, but first will you let me put my arms around you?". She pauses to think for a few moments before deciding that it would be ok "you can hug me" she says and so we have a hug. A cuddle actually and she cuddles me back. I tell her how I feel about them all and how that includes her. Then I ask if I can break a rule. I have an overwhelming desire to call her by her name, something I've never done and wouldn't normally dream of doing so. Again, a moments thought and she says yes, it's ok. So when I say my next piece it starts with her name, "Cassandra...". This makes her smile. "I like that" she says.

For the entire day including going to bed I am aware it's just Cassandra I'm with. And it's nice. Of course that is said without any disrespect to the others. Of course I don't have favourites. What I mean is we have a lovely evening. It feels good. We're friends. We enjoy each others company and this time it's real. Before Cassandra has put so much effort into ensuring we have a nice time even when she's angry at me and wants me gone but this time I feel she genuinely is liking my company. "At least you're fun" she says to me before we got up off the sofa.

As wonderful as this all is, and it really is, and as happy as I am that maybe Cassandra can learn to like me more now, I am under no illusion that this is some kind of huge breakthrough. I mean, I'm not expecting Cassandra to suddenly forget this other person ([Special Someone]) and instantly fall in love with me. But I do hope that it does at least lay to rest some of her fears about me and in turn help our relationship grow. I honestly have no expectations but I do feel good about it all, certainly I am no longer feeling like I have to be on guard all the time. That doesn't mean though that they ("you") shouldn't still feel able to be honest with me. I meant everything I said...

In the morning Frank is back. I'm flapping a bit as I don't know how they will react to the previous 12 hours. Especially not at the fact I called Cassandra by her name. I ask if they aware of what was spoken about "we know most, if what Cassandra has said is most and is the truth".

There is so much missing from this. As I remember it I will add to it.

All I want to say at this point is that I'm glad I got this opportunity to talk to Cassandra and to clear the air. I hope it has and I hope we (Cassandra and I) can now work on being friends. And I hope there is nothing negative that comes of this.

Thank you Frank (et al) for allowing this even though it was more for Cassandra's sake and maybe even a kind of punishment.

*On this subject, a lot of people think that they drink too much, some even suggesting they have a drink problem. This is NOT the case. Yes, most days we buy a bottle of wine but 2-3 glasses over an entire evening does not a problem make. So please, shut the fuck up about it *looks at YOU, you vapid bitch (benefit of readers that is NOT aimed at Frank et al)*

Frank, specifically the alter, Frank, has written a blog post about this day too; you can read it at
[copied from the original location - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]
Other entries from this week that James has shared:

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