Saturday, August 6, 2011

Under The Radar

Fuck you.
Fuck you and fuck him.
Tell him that you are the only one that loves him – tell him.
Tell him he can leave any time he wants. Get him away from us.
Tell him we hate him, that we don’t like him. I don’t like you.
He is going to use us.
He is just going to be like all the rest you know. You will make us all do things we don’t want to do because you love him. We are not Emmie.
I didn't want to do that and you wouldn’t speak up, and he can’t read our body signals, and he didn't want to read them because he wanted what he wanted. You’ll let him have anything. I hate you and I hate him.
He is still a man you know, he only tells you he loves us because he thinks it will make it easier for him to get the things he wants from us. Look at him acting like he cares that he hurt you.
I told you no. You don’t listen to me, you don’t stick up for us because you are too afraid to hurt his feelings.
Push him away.
Shove him away.
Don’t let him touch us. Tell him to stop fucking touching us. Tell him to stop calling us 'Baby'
Tell him to leave the apartment. Tell him to go away.
Make him stop fucking touching us.
I’m laying motionless on the bed. These are the things screaming in my head. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I am speechless, but whoever is in our head space is not. I know basically what has just happened. We are naked, the details are too intimate to write, but we know. They are telling me to say these things; they are telling me these things about how they feel. I feel numb. I won’t speak to James. I can’t. I don’t know the words. It’s not his fault. He thinks it’s his fault. He is apologizing over and over. This feels horrible.
I cry as I lay there, no words will come out, only tears streaming down my face as I am screamed at by an angry alter. I don’t know what just happened. I am not sure who that was. I feel ashamed and I am scared.


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