Sunday, August 28, 2011

'Last Day - Switch' - James' Blog Post - Part II

We...I have a desperate desire to be creative, other than writing today, so hopefully we can get Twitter out of our system early on and take painting breaks there instead of spending all day on the computer (unless we work on our new website, that would be fine too). We've got plans to cook and paint today, and I am pretty excited.

So this is James' final post about his stay with us, he'll write more maybe, but definitely when he comes back. He's a pretty awesome boyfriend and I can't wait to spend more time with him.

Happy Sunday!


This is part read part one click here:
The previous post was titled "The Last Day" because originally Sunday was going to be our last day together as they had to work Monday and I thought my flight was earlier. As it turned out we got to spend most of Monday (22nd August) together although it was because they were ill and had to leave work and my flight wasn't till 5.30pm. So this post really is about the final day I got to spend with Frankie. And like yesterday (Sunday) I got to spend it with more than one of them.

Just to point out that it's the last day of this particular trip to see them. I will be going back soon and plan to move there to be with them,

In an effort to spend as much time together I got up with them at silly o'clock in the morning and rode the bus with them to work. I then went off to a near by Coffee Shop with the intention of joining them when they took their lunch break. About 2 hours after they started though they had to leave work due to severe pains and so I met them and we took a bus to the nearest walk-in health center. They had been in pain all night and neither of us had slept much. We were both tired and hungry as well as the pain they were suffering. After a two hour wait we got the results and they have a kidney infection. I'm, well, me and Emmie are to blame and so I do feel bad. I hate seeing them in pain and I certainly don't like that I'm the cause of it. They decide to take the rest of the day off work (which worries them as it's only their second week of the new job) and we head home.
It's not the perfect way to spend our last day but barring the reasons why, I'm glad we are able to spend it together.

From here on I will apologise again as the memories of the last few days merge and some details may not be accurate. I'll make it clear if I'm really unsure though. This really is only a big deal when it comes to who I spent the day with. One I'm 100% sure off -I'll come to them shortly- and I believe it was Cassandra and Emmie too. This ISN'T about confusing alters, this is just about remembering who was here today and trying not to confuse the memory with a different day.
To Frank Et Al: If I am wrong about who I spent time with on that Monday I'm sorry. Again, it's not a case that I've confused you, just what days who was with me. Same for if I missed someone. I'm sorry, Please don't be upset. Let me know and I'll correct it. It doesn't mean anything other than I have a terrible memory. I promise.

Cassandra was understandably upset and annoyed but as always it was still nice to spend time with her. I'm desperately trying to remember what we did other than talk. Not to imply that that wasn't enough. I mean I'm trying to remember if we watched a DVD or not. We watched several over the last few days. As I did yesterday I asked to call them by their name and I told them I will be back as soon as I can and that I loved them very much. Cassandra can't say it back to me yet but that's ok. She cares greatly for me and she seems to like me telling her how I feel and that makes me happy. I am trying not to cry but it's not easy. Cassandra is wonderful (that word will get overused if not already but meh, they are) and reminds me constantly that I will be back and that when I do come back it will hopefully be to live there permanently. I never asked her how she feels about it but she does let me kiss her. And I kiss her (them all) a lot.
Damn it, I hate my memory. I'm so sorry I can't remember more.
Emmie. One thing Emmie is very good at is pain control. They were in a lot of pain but when Emmie was able to be there she controlled it and seemed to almost push it away. Being free (?) of pain temporarily and Emmie just being Emmie meant they were happier though the infection meant sex was not an option which of course was somewhat disappointing for us both.Emmie said she wanted me to have something to remember when I go and as I told her there is so much already for me to hang on to until I get back. No scars this time but we will work on that next time. We had as much fun as we could and joked (uh-huh) about how our Skype "dates" might be a little um, different. We talk for a bit and any prior discussion about getting something to eat seems to have been forgotten (more truthfully ignored). Though we did make it to the kitchen... As we were standing there they started a gentle dance in my arms and after a few twirls they said they will have to teach me to dance, at least so I can twirl them. At the time I still thought I was with Emmie and was curious about this side to her. I just took it as it was, a lovely moment with my beautiful girl (this is about Emmie but "my beautiful girl" means Frank Et Al, no offence Sam).
At some point they go into the bedroom and I follow them (that might sound like an obvious action bearing in mind I'm with Emmie but we had some fun and sex was out). We lay on the bed kissing and talking.

And then I'm aware there's been another switch but this one has got me. I can't work out who it is. They said they love me. I go through the list and am left with two options. I let them know I'm struggling to work it out (they know anyway because I look at them in a certain way) and they seem to be enjoying my awkwardness.I say that one option is Cassandra again but they said they love me and whilst it would be so wonderful (I know, I need more adjectives) for Cassandra to say those words I have doubts. But my second, as yet unmentioned option is a risk. They haven't been around at all to my knowledge and so I don't know anything about the little unique mannerisms / traits that let me distinguish between them. This goes on for several minutes. The biggest clue I have to who it is is the top they are wearing (they put it on shortly before we were dancing in the kitchen). It was pointed out to me that it is "her" favourite though I shouldn't take it as granted as they all wear it. Also, they are very sarcastic, more so than usual and the voice is different. Both hint at an age range. In hindsight I should have got more clues from the dancing in the kitchen and from the words and drawings they put on my chest using a sharpie (a permanent marker). So I take the risk, place my mouth close their ear and whisper "Ivy".

She's all smiles now and so am I. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her. "Where have you been?" I ask in between kisses. "I've been here a few times, briefly" she replies. The exact conversation escapes me but it's filled with sarcasm from her but mostly I'm just so overwhelmed to finally be able to spend time with her. I comment that she's left it to the last minute though (we actually have a few hours before we have to get the bus to the airport). We kiss a lot and I'm very aware that I'm excessively happy to be with her. Partly because it's an emotional day anyway, partly because time is short and I want to take advantage of what time we have and if I'm going to be honest partly because she's a sarcastic little moo (I'm deliberately not adding more to this list though there is).
I don't want any of the others to be jealous or upset by this. They all have something unique about them that I love them for. They (Frank Et Al) wrote about how Ivy was talking to them about how much I really liked her and I think she got a little scolded over it. I hope not.
But I really was so happy to be with her finally. It's odd because other than a one line note I made before arriving that said "Ivy: Likes me" I dind't really have any reason to have such high expectations. But she said she loves me and she was just so happy and lively it was infectious. It's what I needed at that moment, on that day and I loved her for it (as well as other reasons).
[Side note] Ivy, thank you for being with me that day. Thank you so much for making it a good day despite it being the worst day imaginable. Thank you. I'll be back soon and we'll get to spend so much more time together.
The time is ticking by far too quickly but we stay on the bed and talk and kiss and lay in each others arms. I don't want to know what the time is; for more than a few moments I almost stop caring about it, almost hoping that I miss the flight. Eventually though we get up and I look around at what needs packing, which is everything. Ivy says something then, she says "oh by the way, Jeez Louise" and laughs. It was something they said before and I commented about it as I'd never heard them say it and wondered who's expression it was. She (they, sorry, I'm mixing that up a bit) reminds me I'm coming back and says it would be OK to leave it all there. I grab a few things I need and shove them in a bag (which then goes in another bag as I'm not taking much). I take photos pf the flat because I want to be able to look at them when I get home and imagine being back there. It's time. I'm crying. I don't want to go. I hug them and I don't want to let go. But again they remind me of everything and with a last look I head out the door with them.

We catch the bus to the airport. I want to cry. I'm screaming inside. I hate it. I want to stop the bus and get off. Begging for something to happen so I don't have to leave. But we arrive at the airport and walk to the terminal check-in desks. We don't have long before the flight but enough time to grab something to eat and say our... not good bye's, I don't want it to be a good bye, our "see you soon"s. The plan is to check the bag in then grab something to eat. In my head I'm also wondering about Frank. I'd asked and wanted Frank to be here. I hadn't had a chance to speak to or kiss them yet. I'm feel bad because I did say I would ask for her if she wasn't there but I was torn as it was the first and last for a while, chance to spend time with Ivy. I kind of hope that they can sort it out between them without me having to. Whilst we're in the queue I spot a woman working their and comment about how she looks like a certain "beep beep beep beep fucking waitress" from a restaurant we ate at recently. Then they walked past and I caught the perfume. It's the same. Then she speaks and it's confirmed, it's the same fucking woman. When we were at the restaurant she very probably picked up on the fact we did not like her. And now she takes her revenge. Of all the fucking desks we get directed to her's and she informs us I have to go through security now. My heart stops. My world just fell apart. This can't be happening. I'm not ready to leave them. No. Please. I find religion briefly and in my head plead to God that this must be a mistake. The bitch says we have a few minutes to say goodbye, I want to rip her fucking throat out. We walk to the entrance of security. I'm crying, Ivy is trying to be strong for us. What the fuck just happened? I can't go yet. I can't leave them, not yet, I'm not ready. I don't know what to do. I cry. Hold them as tight as I can and cry. I look at them. They are so beautiful. How can I leave them. But I have to and so I walk through the doors. And then they're gone. And I'm about to get on a plane and fly 4,500 miles away from them. The journey is split and I cry for the whole of the first flight.

I don't want to write about the next 24 hours. Not much to say. I cry. The weather is shit in England and the people I come across are wretched. What have I done?

Frank wasn't here today. Yesterday I asked her if she could be the one that sees me off. Maybe I might have got to be with Frank if it wasn't for that bitch insisting I go through security. But I want to take this moment to say something (and now I'm crying again...). Frank I'm sorry we didn't get to see each other. I'm sorry I didn't mention it or try and force the issue. I'm sorry. I miss you so much. I love you Frank.

Bethany, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody, Sam and "Brooke". I love you. I love you all. I love you and I miss you. I wish I didn't have to leave you. I'm so sorry. But I will be back and we will get to start our life together properly. We already have I know, but I mean we will hopefully never have to go through this (me leaving) again. I love you.

I love you.

I don't know if I'll write any more entries, I would think I would. I hope to be Skyping with them every day we can and there will no doubt be times I feel the need to write about it. The main purpose of this blog is to help them see themselves from another's perspective.

I love you Franky. I miss you every second of every day. I love you. I'll see you soon.

[copied from the original location]

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