Saturday, September 10, 2011

'They Are Nine' - James' Blog Post

We got blocked on Twitter, so what better thing to do then import some of our lovely boyfriend blog posts, from the blog he writes about living/being in a relationship with us.

We're drunk...we probably shouldn't import (we probably shouldn't be drunk)...we cried when we read his latest post (What!? We fucking cry...some of us anyway...not all of us...some of us would rather cut you, than cry)...but not at this one, this one didn't make us cry...the other one, that will follow in a couple of days, yes, it made us cry.

Sometimes we hate us as much as other people do. Last night, when taking a "break", we stared in the mirror and told one of us "I hate you". Without knowing much about us, or our disorder, that probably makes less sense, though we know that people who are singular also experience the same self-hate...only one of us does.

Always remember, this blog is never about some fucking pity party, fuck that. It's about showing people what it's like to live with this particular disability...or "disability"; shedding light, creating awareness and acceptance...breaking down intolerance, no matter what the mental disability is...and in this day and age, there are so many. Sometimes it breaks our heart, and sometimes we realize that without the "help" of pharmaceutical companies, most people would be...just people...but we digress.

It's not fun (though sometimes, it is) and it's difficult, us being us. It was less so (difficult) when we were us, without an outside person; but now...he's worth it (to a lot of us); our "outside person" (our boyfriend), for the first time in our life, knows all of us...and is willing to accept us...even the ones who don't like him, and for those of us who love means the world to us.

So, this is one of his latest posts, though not the latest (now that we look at all of his posts, at his blog...there has been many we apparently have decided not to import).

By the way, we did write our own post today...earlier tonight, but whatever.

I previously wrote a post titled They Are One where I talk about how they are one, how I see them as one, how I love them one. They are "Franky". But in that post I talk about why after spending time with them I felt the need to try and work out which alters were executive. This post is to elaborate on that as I don't think I answered it (at all) very well and because some events recently have highlighted the fact they are nine.

It's been two weeks now since I left them at the airport. It feels like it's been months. It's been incredibly difficult being away from them but I have spent every day trying to sell my flat and raise the ticket money to get back to them, something I, we, are hoping happens very soon. We have been able to have video calls every day which has been wonderful; I really don't know what I would have done without it. I know people coped before and cope now without it but after all the hours before and the time we spent together I couldn't imagine a day without seeing their beautiful face.
I mention this because now, since I did get to know most of them individually, I recognise some of them when we Skype (I'm going to say "Skype" because it's easy and people know what I mean though we recently switched to GTalk Video). I haven't made as big a point in trying to work it out, just when they say or do something that makes it obvious. If I don't know who it is I have not been really trying to work it out; I have been trying to just see them as one again. Having said that, three of them I have recognised - Ivy, Frank and Brooke, though with Brooke the chat was instantly broken off.

Last night (Sunday 4th September) there was another instance of Brooke upsetting them. It started by my mood being very down. They picked up on it and asked what was wrong (as they are good at doing). It was so stupid, after spending the first week flapping about the flat not knowing when or how I was going to get back to them, fearing that it would be nearer 8-12 weeks I have found myself suddenly calm about it. I know I'll be back there soon, I am raising some money, they have offered to help with costs if I need it (I'm hoping to avoid that as their job may come to an end very shortly) and there is no reason at all to doubt it. Because of that, in my head I've put all my efforts and thoughts into finding temporary / casual work and selling my flat. Last night I had also been thinking about the book I'm reading and spent the day thinking about the phone calls I need to make to friends and family and how I need to find a way to see some of them to let them know. It was a culmination of all these things that had got me down. Oh yes, twitter, twitter and some of the people of twitter were seriously pissing me off last night too. This probably more than anything was responsible for my sullen mood. It had all got me down and had been such an emotional day I was drained. So when I was trying to explain all this too them I failed completely to convey what was going on and they thought I was trying to say that I was having doubts. Then Brooke goes in for the kill (bad choice of words) and tells them that that is indeed the case, that I don't want to be with them. They clamp their hands over their ears and are crying. I desperately tried to get them to focus on me but as you can probably imagine, me on Skype vs Brooke in their head with them, I was not going to win. It's hurts to watch and soon it gets too much for them and they ended the call (second time over the last few days). Then Brooke wouldn't let them answer when I tried to call back. It took me a couple of attempts to stop trying and let them try and deal with Brooke in their way, which they were able to do about 30-45 minutes later.

Now, after you've read that, see if you still need to ask me again why I sometimes struggle to see them as one.

What I have managed to (mostly) avoid doing is using names (I called one by their name on two occasions, one of which was last night whilst they were trying to deal with Brooke). I have pushed the boundary a couple of times with a look or stressing words to them and Ivy acknowledged that she knew I knew.
I wrote to them recently again, in private, an email where I said a little something to each of them in turn but on our video calls I've not felt such a need.

And that's maybe an important point. I haven't thought about it yet, I'll write it out and see...
Whilst I have had urges to use names it's not been something that is as big a "need" for me as it was the last few days I was with them. It's helped in part by the fact that for the past several days at least it seems to have been mostly one of two, maybe three. I am aware that there is a lot going on under the surface (behind the eyes maybe a better term) though and that can sometimes mask who it is. But this is about the use of names, there is also the issue of any need to work out who they are even if not to use a name. Again, as I mentioned earlier, I've not tried as hard to do that and with the two or three that have been present I've not had to try. However, just as I am aware it's been mostly one of three that I've been speaking to (I could be wrong of course, but three that it has been obvious to me with) I am aware there are at least 4 others that I haven't that I was expecting... no, more honestly, hoping I'd get to see too (it has only been two weeks though). It was partly because of that that I wrote to them, letting them all know I love them and miss them.

Back to the point of this post, that there are nine and my need to work it out. Guess what, same conclusion as last time, I've pretty much answered it as best I can indirectly with my points above.

Before I was making a huge conscious effort to work out who I was with at any given moment where-as now I'm not. Maybe that's because I'm here, 4000 miles away from them. Maybe it'll be something that I return to when I'm with them again.

No matter how I think about this, the why, it just comes down to one fact. I'm their boyfriend, I lived with them for a month, nearly 24/7 and I'll be living with them again soon, for considerably longer. Even if I didn't try I think I'd eventually learn to recognise specific sets of traits. That and the previously mentioned need to treat them differently.

Going back to the names thing, I am not convinced that they all approve or wish to be called by their name again. I may be mistaken, I only think this because they made a comment a few days ago, one I didn't ask about at the time. There is still the unanswered question / concern about the wisdom of this. The main concern was that it encourages them to want to spend time with me, at least spend time being executive and that's hard on them. When I was there before the last few days were hard because of the amount of switching, brought on by me, us all, wanting the chance to spend time before I had to go. When I go back it will be to start our lives together properly and we will then have all that time to be with each other.

There are nine of them (nine that are known at least). Sam is the only one that too my knowledge I've not spent any time with. Brooke, whilst not spent time with have "seen" and had some indirect interaction with.

There are nine of them. Whilst the rest of the world has no reason to know that, and even less reason to think of Franky as anything other than "Just Call Me Frank" (other than of course to acknowledge that they have DID) I am a part of their life in such a close, intimate way that I see the nine of them.

And from the moment I first learnt about Franky, I wouldn't want it any other way. Some might ask if I'd rather Brooke wasn't about but Brooke is a part of them, they are who they are because of her in some way. And we don't know enough about her yet; she may serve an important part of them. So no, I would not want anything to be different.

Personal comment:
Bethany, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody and Sam: You know I love you all. Unconditionally. And you know that if I could I would spend any amount of time with any of you and love that time together. This is so difficult sometimes but we have the rest of our lives together to figure it out. I miss you all so much. I'll be back soon. Stay strong for me and never, ever doubt how I feel about you or how much I want to be with you.

[copied from the original location - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]

Some of the other stuff he's written about us.r Stuff from James' Blog

No comments:

Post a Comment