Monday, September 19, 2011

'Brooke Gets The Better Of Me' - James' Blog Post

Imported from his blog...we've got no response to this (currently, maybe ever...) now we have to run on over and finish our post for the night, it's the rule tonight...before Twitter OR wine...we have to do our post! *runs really fast*

Tonight (Monday 12th September) has been a wonderful night chatting to Franky and one that I will write about tomorrow (time permitting) but this post concerns Sunday night and a night I do the unthinkable, I cave with Brooke and let them down.

As has been the case over the last few nights the chat has been strained and not the happiest of times. They got some (more) bad news about their house and it upset them and they become very worried about how it was going to effect their (our) future plans.

As the evening went on the tension between us grew and we were both snipping at each other. They said they were going to have an early night which to be honest suited me fine, I needed to get up early and I was, for the first time, feeling that the negativity aimed at me was getting a little much. But then a switch and they no longer want to go to bed. I made a comment about they should go to bed (may have been to tell them to do their teeth, a little ritual we have when Skyping) and they snapped at me and rather childishly perhaps I said "well I'm going to have an early night anyway". I don't recall why it was bothering me so much tonight, I don't think there was anything specific, I think it had just been such an upsetting week that it just got more than I could handle without saying something and I didn't want to do that. Unfortunately I couldn't keep the look of sadness off my face and this didn't help none; we both (all) often feed off each other's emotions and we bring each other down.
Some more snipping ensues and with a rather snotty "going to bed, night" I go. I end the call, something I never do (the only other time I've ended the call, they asked me too as they didn't want to).

I instantly regret it. I sit and stare at the monitor and notice within minutes they sign out of GTalk so I couldn't call them back anyway. They were so vulnerable and upset and I left them.

At some point during the night I wake up and check their blog and tumblr to see if there's anything about it and sure enough, there was. And it was written by Brooke.

Their Tumblr post - Superpower

I don't know why I didn't suspect her. But that's even worse. I left them thinking it was someone other than Brooke, that it was a younger alter who was just upset, angry, confused and I left them. If I had known it was Brooke I may still have gone but that might have been justifiable. The fact it was (if not all, mostly) Brooke should make me feel better but it doesn't.

I don't normally call them in the morning but I did Monday. I wanted to make sure they were ok, to hear their voice and tell them I'm sorry and that I do love them and I want to be with them. I say to you all now, as I have done many times before, I love them and I want to be with them and nothing is going to make me feel differently or doubt it.
Brooke says in her post "that look on his face where I can tell he is questioning having a relationship with us" I may have looked upset and maybe angry but I never, ever question or have ever questioned, having a relationship with them.
I love them. I love them all. I love them for who they are and everything they are.
But tonight, despite their protests against the idea, I let them down.

The distance thing is a killer. In just so many ways. It effects how I deal with things, it effects how I take things, it effects my thoughts, opinions and feelings. But I'll be back with them very soon and it will be ... wonderful.

Brooke: I'm sure you're very pleased with yourself. Enjoy your moment. I still love you.

To Frank et al: I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry for leaving you - and I mean both 3 weeks ago and last night. Please forgive me. I'll be back with you very soon. Stay strong for me my beautiful Angels. I love you.

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