Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Love Letter From Frank

Finally, we felt like we got some real sleep last night, albeit it was only six hours, but that doubled the amount of sleep we got the night before, and added a couple hours to what we've been averaging.

It may have been the muscle relaxers (we have severe back problems), it may have been Our Forrest, it may have been FaNtAstic kindness, that put us to slumber last night. We like to think it was the perfect triad; after all, we smiled on our walk home yesterday, even through the bitter cold and wind (and holy crap, was the evening cold and windy) that was biting at our extremities.

Last night we had a chat date with our first love  and we "[didn't] want to stop chatting...just knowing [he was] on the other side of the connection, [it was] comforting" to us.

We layed there in bed, our body growing heavy with sleep, nodding off, but not wanting to let go. We asked Our Forrest to type things to us, anything, while we fell asleep; asked him not to leave us for the night, just yet, so that we could fall asleep with him at the other end, so that when we woke up we'd have a message from him.

[For anyone raising their eyebrows about the fact that we were in bed, understand that we've never been that way with each other, with him - and "I" certainly don't want that to be our first time - sorry Forrest, the only thing that that would accomplish is sadness for me, for us; without that, we have enough to be disappointed about. We always want to be honest, and make sure we clarify things.]

While this was initially written directly to Forrest, in response to his final message to me before he, himself, shuffled off to bed; upon sending it we realized that it's pretty applicable to the men we've loved, that Frank has loved dearly, in our life. TOG has let a lot of men, trample through our heart and mind on our quest to "capture" a man who wants us, as much as we want us, and as much as we want them; we even have an ex-husband amoung them - you'll hear about him some day - we didn't love him. He was what we like to call a Complete Fucktard. However, there is/has been three men in our life, who Frank has loved strongly and deeply, who have/will make that impact on us, and this message could very well be written to them too; but we don't want to belittle the significant of this message to whom it was directed (please know that my dear). And as we've written, in the complete original message, "we will take it down upon your word".

To Our Forrest, from Frank:
I don't care what you say to me; I don't need to understand; as long as you say things to me. Having you back again, in this small way, has provided some relief in my brain, you've eased the tension, somehow. I don't know how long the relief will last - with me there will always be the storm at the end, it's always been the tendency. I love that when you think about me you hear music; When I think about you I see rays of light and words...very close to how I feel when I hear music. I suppose that when I think about the things, and the people, that I love, especially these days, rays of light is what I see and words tumble from my brain and out my fingertips.
You were a catalyst to the complete re-emergence of me. I know that's hard to understand, but know that it's a good thing - we don't want you to feel bad - and that, while you were one factor, it's not your fault. That you saw the correlation between the begining of my writing again, and your reappearance in our life in the first place, before I could even share my own suspisions, means you understand on some level how crazy in love I've always been with you. Unexplainably crazy for you. You are one of the few men in my life who have inspired me, driven me, to write, to be creative. Men like you deserve to be written about, to be remembered for the great things you've done, even if in your mind you don't think you've done anything great. To me you have. 
[....] Even when we are a bitch, we want to help people. That's Bitch for ya...she's got residual [TOG] all over her.
(Last we checked, this message was still trying to send through you might be reading this for the first time here...and there is a bit more...we're sure it will complete it's transmission eventually...and we'd love to go through it and edit it, but it wouldn't be right. It remains untouched, save the removed portions.)

Our true loves have had a tendency to ground us, while at the same time driving us mad, at least temporarily, when they are in our life, and even when they are not; but they also remind us to see the forrest for the trees.

We generally don't believe in other peoples love but we do believe in our own. It's the only thing we are ever sure of.

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