We are one, We are many, We are Just Call Me Frank.
Candid, adjudicating, philosophy wielding, life journaling, mental health advocating, writing and art therapy enthusiasts, lovers of learning; adventurers with a finger on all the buttons.
Writing to survive and thrive.
We're in an terrible bad mood...bordering on evil. Some days we like it, some days we don't. Today it's mixed with anxiety, and anger... frustration...and a feeling of impending doom. We woke up with, and spent most of the day with, some wicked headaches.
We didn't write yesterday, we know. Instead we played a ToD (That's Tweet of the Day - it's a Favstar thing <-that link takes you to Favstar) on Twitter with our friends & followers, and played a couple of races on Mario Kart (we bought a Wii last weekend!) - meanwhile...there is info over to the right, we're going to add all of our user ID's (for each game, that is) so our online friends (almost the only friends we have) can play some Wi-Fi enabled games with us - the list of what we have so far is over there on the right, below the Bloggers Choice voting spot.
Speaking of The Bloggers Choice Awards, if you have a minute, could you vote for our blog? In as many categories as you see fit (there are four that fit our blog)? It would be pretty cool...though the competition is stiff...and we have no idea how to generate votes yet. Maybe next year...or in a couple of weeks, when we move; yeah, we're moving, we've written all over the blog about it the last couple of weeks...check out some of our recent writing and find out about from where, why; and to where...or generally to where [we're not ready to admit/reveal our location(s)]...and we're going to go on an adventure next year...lots of changes, lots of changes...
Speaking of, our doomed feeling is being facilitated by The Boyfriend...who is totally freaking/stressing out about us moving him to the states with us in a few weeks...it looks like it's going to be a lot of work...or work around...a headache really. He's worried they won't even let him in the first time, for three months, let alone ever and for any real length of time.
We're trying to keep him calm, but it's hard, you know? We have a lot of stress, we have to evict our tenants, who we wrote about on Sunday...sometime in the next couple of days. We were told we are only required to give them 24 hour notice, due to a month-to-month lease and them not paying their entire rent for the past two months; but likely we'll give them a week. We also hope to be able to get a police escort to the house to serve the papers...if you've read about Sunday you know why.
Good news though, the police recovered our video camera that the last tenant stole and tried to pawn, unfortunately none of the other things that were stolen, like our paintings and power tools... Sadly we found out the backdoor of the house that's been broken since the previous tenant took off was broken by the cops in a search warrant raid...something about drugs. In any case that means the city should be responsible for fixing that, hopefully...but also means we're going to have to go talk to some city official. This is stressful. This is all stressful.
Friday is our last day of work, holy shit are we excited about that, but then we have loads and loads of stuff to do, utilities to cancel on two properties, a real estate agent to hire, the house to clean...and fix...because the low lifes who have lived there in the last year have turned the place to a shit hole; plus packing up our apartment...getting the medical papers for the cats in order...we have a huge list (that we've been working on while we work).
So...we don't know. We're like an anxiety attack waiting to happen...no side of panic. Panic isn't our thing...at least I don't think so; it's not mine anyway.
Our system mix today/onight is erratic...we're going to go do some shopping (printer ink)...and maybe order pizza...not particularly hungry, but we haven't eaten much today...
~Catherine & Sam (and we're "et al" like crazy tonight...we feel bad for James/The Boyfriend)
We decided, it being October, the month containing our favourite holiday...Halloween (not because of the candy...okay, for some of us because of the candy)...that it would be fun to do a little contest. The prize is merely mention on our blog as the winner (we get a good amount of hits a day on this blog) and we use the winning sketch (voting done by our followers) as our avi, with mention in our bio, for the week of Halloween. Plus the Tweet promotions...possible option for Cafepress material...
DETAILS:
Contest Date: Now until Wednesday, October 26th, 2011 7pm CST
Vote Date: Thursday, October 27th, 2011 7pm, CST (all entries will be posted in a blog post, and voted on by our followers/readers, and your friends)
Avi Costume, when we "wear" the winning design/Promotions Date: Friday, October 28th, 2011 until Friday, November 4th, 2011
Objective: Create a supervillains sketch/drawing for us, our "character", the name is: Frankie The Blade...
Additional Details: - Submit entries to: justcallmefrank2010(at)gmail.com (obviously (a) = @...we're just trying to prevent spam...) -Image rights/property rights remain yours. If we work our a Cafepress.com option we will write up appropriate paperwork with a 50% cut. - Any and all questions can be sent to our e-mail address (mentioned above) or posted as a comment here on our blog.
We hope all of our creative friends, readers & Twitter followers can take part.
We will promote this contest via Twitter until October 21, 2011.
As illustration of our awesome talented followers... "This is a Drafaicorn (as named by @letzakis), dreamt up by us and @Cool_Jess and created by @thespacewad - Just another reason we love our followers…: http://jstcallmefrank.tumblr.com/post/9603498573/a-drafaicorn-you-say (<- this is a link to our Tumblr page, where we try to have more fun...) Happy Monday everyone! We only have 4 more days of employment left...then...more stress - we're just trying to have fun today, this week...for the rest of the year, if we can; plus we like to support artists...because some of are one(s). ~Frankie et al (Frankie The Blade)
Note: we're contemplating giving the winner access to pictures of what we really look like (our face)...we have to discuss this...
We don’t know how to start this post, so we’ll just start it by...
This weekend is just another where people prove to us why humanity…sucks…and why there is nothing “humane” about "humanity".
From the people yesterday who yelled “Faggots!” out of a moving car at us and James/The Boyfriend…(meanwhile, we’re female, so it was nothing but misdirected hatred of some sort) while we were standing at a bus stop; to the people who were laughing at us as we very gently danced, while sitting, on a bus bench, smiling happily at James, listening to the music from another vehicle…they stared, they laughed...we don't know why. We're not funny looking, nor were we being excessive in our movements. They stared, we looked, they stared...laughed...joked, said things we couldn't understand/hear...all the while looking at us. We tried not to pay attention...tried not to notice.
Other things yesterday brought to mind apocalyptic movies where people are on drugs, and acting all rude and insane…laughing and mocking from vehicles with no warranted reason. We're not sure if you understand those kinds of scenes, from movies where society has eroded and people are insane...but really, these days it feels like you can just look out the window.
So much pain.
Then today, more trouble with our rental property, after getting new tenants in July and letting them live there , rent free, for a month, in exchange for tossing out all the garabge/belongings the last tenant had leftwhen she skipped out (turns out the police had a warrant, busted down the back door and raided the house, which is probably why she fled…awesome that they bothered calling the person who owns the house, after permanently damaging the backdoor/property).
So, we let the new tenants live there for free in July, August they paid the cash portion of the rent, and because they are on disability, the government paid the remainder…which was already $300 less than we had previously rented the house for. We wrote about how we lowered the rent because we though wetrusted them and wanted someone there who we could trust.
September hit and we were given excuses as to why the $200 cash could no be paid, so-and-so hadn’t been working as much, blah blah blah.
Friday was September 30th, the last day of the month, so we texted one of the guys (“Guy A”) who rents our house, there are three, and asked about Septembers $200, and when we could expect it, and now Octobers $200, since “tomorrow is October”.
Us: “Do you guys have the $200 for September? Tomorrow is October…”
Nothing was heard until Saturday when he said to contact “Guy B”. So we texted him and inquired “Hey, Guy B, Guy A said to text you about the $200 for September, and now the $200 for October. Let me know when you are available to drop it off.”
What follows is an exact transcript of the text communication…
Guy B: “Im still waiting to here wot is going on you dot wwont to deill with this and I cant live in hous and half to dill with it. Im at camp will tex you wen I get back today.
Us: “I talked to you about it already, I’m not getting a realtor until next week, you still owe rent, despit not wanting to deal with it you are all living there. Text when you get back to the city”
Guy B: “If you going to tock to me like that we will go the rent men this week to sit don to talk war I have witness I dot trus you and we have repars to have don let the rentill men deill with this then.
Us: “I cannot understand anything you are writing other than “talk to me like that” and I’m really not sure what you mean that.
Guy B: “I wrote you to let you know I am at the camp ad would like to talk to you when I get back, and you mentioned the money owimg? We need to sit down and talk when I get back to the city, today would be best”
Us: “Yes. Guy A said to talk to you about the rent. Today would be excellent. Text me when you know what time, and where, works for you.”
Guy B: “Thank you”
About an hour and a half passed and we got a text that he would be here in ten minutes. The time between the last exchange and the final text we tried to understand his texts…what exactly was he saying about not trusting us…why did he feel like he shouldn’t pay the rest of the rent. We fumed, lets be honest...there was a lot of yelling at, but not directed at, The Boyfriend.
Yes, Guy B was upset about having to move out of the house…we have a hard time feeling sorry for him though…seeing as we have to move out of the COUNTRY, and fuck you, sorry for your fucking inconvenience.
We met him on the steps of our building, the exchange only took about 90 seconds…and before we knew it we hadn’t raised our voice once…but we had requested he didn’t yell at us…
Guy A stated how “He’s not yelling, trust me”, all of a sudden Guy C doesn’t live there anymore, he couldn’t stay because he didn’t want to live his life “up in the air”.
They are upset because we have to sell the house and they have to move our, they love the house. They (2 of the 3) are on disability, one of them have many issues and does not deal with change very well; despite the fact, Guy C lived there in September and so they owe for that rent.
We explain the rent is still the same, at least for the last month, and they still have to pay it…and all of a sudden, within seconds, there is a shit.
Guy B is yelling at us, despite previously stating he would pay the rent, his portion, for November, and December, and any month needed…now he is yelling that consider this his month notice and they will be out by the end of the month…before we know it the two are storming down the sidewalk, he turns to yell at us, stating that we had made an agreement of 3 years, standing in the kitchen (it should be noted that since renting to them we have NEVER talked to Guy B in the house because he has never been around the two times we have stopped by, so we do not know what kitchen his is referring to).
All of a sudden he yells before getting into the car, calling us a “Fucking schizophrenic retard”…
James puts his hands over our ears, but it’s too late. We stare at the guys getting into the vehicle. It’s too late, the words have been digested. Tears rush to our eyes.
We are not schizophrenic.
They pull away from the curb and James stands up, Guy A gets out of the car, in the middle of the street, in an aggressive manor, and Guy B yells something to James about “Whitey” (it should be noted that all involved, the two renters, are at least half “white” each, misdirected anger, clearly)…
We yell at them as they drive away, after collecting ourselves, flipping them the finger. There are people all over, watching. They don’t care, neither do we.
We called the non-emergency number to file a complaint about our teneants verbally harassing us, but apparently nobody can do anything, but the “tenancy board” can be a mediator, so we have to call them tomorrow.
Without ending this abruptly we will mention we called Fabulous People, because Guy A is her cousin, to ask her what their (the guys') problem was. She was shocked at the behaviour and was sure to mention that she had just found out that Guy B actually suffers from schizophrenia.
Without repeating what all we said, because it starts to get fuzzy now…we will say this…
<rant>
We are mentally "disabled". We also have very low tolerance for other mentally disabled, semi-functional, people. Be a fucking adult. Learn to manage your illness. Being mentally disabled is not an excuse for your poor behaviour. You are not entitled to anything different than anyone else. This is life. Do you think ours is fucking easy? NO. 32 years of abuse and mental illness, countless mental illness diagnoses, tons of medication…fuck you if you feel entitiled.
<end rant>
Obviously these guys, three of them who split rent at $700 a month, two who get their rent paid by disability, all of whom get their utilities paid by the government, feel like they have a right to shirk their responsiblkities as adults, and hide behind their illness. Or maybe they are just assholes...either way...fuck you, assholes. And not just those. Fuck you, assholes.
Sure, we could have said the meanest rudest shit to them possible, if only they hadn’t yelled their insults while getting into and from a moving vehicle, like so many other pussies we encountered over the weekend.
You’re real ballsy, you asses, you fucking idiots, who think you can mistreat people and run.
Sorry. Not sorry. NOT sorry. We’re tired of the world, we’re tired of being beaten down at every corner, we’re tired of seeing what’s left of humanity, the good humanity, be destroyed by a civilization who is full of self-interested, self-entitled, self-important, fuckwads…slowly and slowly ...all people care about is themselves…and slowly and slowly tolerance for people who don’t, people who want to do good, is eroding. The destruction of humanity.
That’s all.
We’re going to drink now…because is it any fucking wonder why we do?
We want out of this city, we want out of this everywhere, if it wasn't for the 1% (Fabulous Person...and to a lesser degree, Fuck Face) of this city, James our boyfriend, and our friends on Twitter…we'd been dead this year, by our own hand, because the world just keeps getting more disappointing to some of us, to most of us, collectively to all of us, we guess.
We want people to not suck. We want our innocence back, whatever of it we ever had…because holy fuck...we probably, collectively, never had it. Dreams. Can we survive on dreams? We certainly cannot on luck because just when we think we get it, we're reminded we never really had it...and we beg the question again, apparently...'Being A Good Person; What's The Point?' (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/09/being-good-person-what-is-point.html)
<apologies for all the spelling/grammar errors, I have been drinking...and I have not been around much recently and so...well, that's not really an excuse, but sorry>
~Frank
A struggle...we struggle...we hate to hate...hate...it's all destruction... and we can't help but hate...it's an endless circle...with no inner peace.
He does have a good question, after all, and last night we read his entry for the first time, despite the fact he has posted it days ago. We got a little upset about some of the things he wrote, even though he's not wrong.
James one long standing concern is about treating us as individuals, and why we want to be treated as one, and how difficult it is for him to do so, because we're all different, and as such, he feels, should be treated differently. This has been something we have discussed with him on more than one occasion, though never having a full answer past “why does it matter?” It is certainly something that has been vexing him. For the most part we have understood treating Bethany (our youngest alter*, 6 years old) differently, and also Sam (our male alter*, who he doesn’t deal with very much, yet). ..but as far as the others?
Well, for us, because we share one body we are always seen as one, one crazy, fucking lovely, horrid, wonderful, funny, loving, witty, contradicting, bitch...apparently (if you read James blog post that we are responding too, apparently that’s a view of us as one).
We believe that because we are all fully aware of our condition now, though possibly not fully aware of us all (mapping therapy still in progress), we cannot “blame” each other, though we try sometimes, but only for little things…like making us gain weight, etc. We have written about how we feel about taking responsibility for our actions as a whole (in ‘One Of Us Has Sociopathic Tendencies’ http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/08/one-of-us-has-sociopathic-tendencies.html), because that’s the proper thing to do – because DID/MPD is not an excuse for bad behaviour, anymore than being human is an excuse. It shouldn't be a reason for bad behaviour either.
So, because we can’t really say, “Cassandra (one of our alters) made us fat (she’s a piggy eater), it’s not our/my fault we/I got fat” in the event we got fat again (we’ve been obese, we lost over 100 pounds about eight years ago...we struggle with food issues almost every day)…when we are supposed to work as a team/collective, to get "better", meaning learn to function and all be able to enjoy life, individually, and together...and be successful at it, somehow. Being treated separately would only give us an “excuse” for bad behaviour…or at least an opening to try, in our opinion anyway.
Another example, just as we were explaining this to James. The subject of Emmie (another alter*) came up, and her lingering sexual feelings for Fuck Face. As we tried to explain to him that he, James, is our boyfriend…we chose him, he admitted that he does not trust her (Emmie) with him. At this point he asked us to please, try not to let her do anything with Fuck Face. We said we would try. He was visibly upset. We told him he would have to tell her these things himself, because we cannot answer for her; though we have to take responsibility for her actions.
“Do you see why you can’t always treat us individually? Because if she did something, say she had an affair with Fuck Face, you can’t separate her…it’s not like having nine separate bodies and you can say ‘no, I don’t like you anymore, I don’t trust you…please leave’. So, if Emmie were to be…inappropriate...with Fuck Face (or any other man) for example…she, alone, cannot be punished. We are all punished…because we have to know the pain, every day, of her action in your face, because when you look at us, you see all of us, and you see us as one body.”
We don’t know if this helped him understand, we don’t know if it helps anyone understand, but he asked the question. Our goal is to use our ability to write, and our personal struggles with mental health issues, to help others who desire to understand Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder); and in addition, help those who deal with life on a day-to-day basis as "a" multiple feel less “alone” (because we’re never alone…but sometimes it can feel like it), all we can do is try our best.
We’ve made an agreement with James/The Boyfriend, because some of us he knows far better than others, and honestly, you can't always treat us as one, anymore than you can always treat us as individuals...he is free to use our names when he wants, as long as he knows who he is talking to, as long as he is sure…because the disappointment of being confused for another, for some of us, leads to tears and sadness, and we don’t want it to lead to resentment of him, or each other. (He’s gotten us mixed up before, and he knew as soon as he did it, and as usual it was dealt with, but repeating is not advisable)
Responsibility, singular or plural. It’s just one reason why we want to be treated as one, because we have to live as one, in a world that sees us as one.
~Frank et al
Update: 10/16/11
Being that we are working on some mapping, with the help of the boyfriend (but only a little because of all the current stress), a tenth has been mapped. She has no name (she is just called "Ten" when James talks to us about her. James (The Boyfriend) wrote about her in his blog last week (http://frank-from-the-outside.blogspot.com/2011/10/perfect-ten.html).
Mapping is stressful. Being us is stressful. Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking "I am So-and-So today"...but when you map you have to think about it, talk to each other about it... analyze feelings, thoughts, desires...with the people sharing co-consciousness. None of that will make much sense to most people...hopefully one day we will write about, more clearly, what mapping is like...for us.
[*A distinction, if not yet made in this blog is, in the mental illness of Dissociative Identity Disorder, alter is not a reference to alter ego; while similar in some ways, it is not to be confused with the part of a person they hide from society. An alter is a separate personality unto itself, and often does not share the same viewpoints, feelings, thoughts, or beliefs as other alters in the system]
Some helpful terminology imported from our public blog where we do our mapping therapy (http://wearejcmf.blogspot.com/) which is currently not being worked on due to massive life stress.
Alter: alter states, selves, parts (a subjective term); distinct personalities; fragments alternate personality, personality state, ego state or identity with its own unique perspectives, abilities, memories or other traits that differ from the Host or Executive personality.
The Core: The original birth personality.
Host: is the alter personality who dominates the control of the body most of the time and is often unaware of the other personalities. The host is usually the alter personality who will initiate after experiencing symptoms of mental distress, such as, anxiety, triggers or recovered memories.
Executive: When a personality (alter ego) has control of the body.
Switch: To switch from one personality to another. The process of an alter coming out from the subconscious mind into the consciousness mind while the other alter (who was already in the consciousness mind) slips back into the subconscious mind.
Who's out?A common question used to determine which personality is executive or host.
Co-conscious(ness): (The Core) A state of being aware of what the other personalities are doing and saying.
Other Terms:
Acquired: Anything that is not present at birth but develops some time later. In medicine, the word "acquired" implies "new" or "added." An acquired condition is "new" in the sense that it is not genetic (inherited) and "added" in the sense that was not present at birth.
Triggers: Hysterical conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; re-experienced again.
Dissociation: In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
Re-live: A total memory recall (includes visual, emotional, physical and all other senses).
Losing time: Also known as a Dissociative Fugue, is the period of which an alter personality is in the subconscious mind and has no recollection of the time that is being utilized by the alter personality who is occupying the conscious mind. Therefore when the alter switches into the conscious mind they realize that minutes, hours, days, or even months and years have passed since they were last aware of time.
System: is the structure of relationships between the alter personalities who live within the internal world of a survivor with D.I.D.! Every system is created and operates in it's own unique way, just like every family living in their own homes run their households different from the next door neighbour.
Inner (Self) Helper: is usually the alter personality who has a good understanding of the system and how it works. The I.S.H. is also among the typical group of helpers or protector personalities.
Grounding: is the process of disrupting a dissociative episode and is accomplished by tugging on an earlobe, rubbing the hands together, or shuffling the feet back and forth. This type of physical stimuli can bring the survivors mind back to awareness of their surroundings, and helps to make them feel less animated.
(these terms are pulled from a wide array of sources throughout the internet and are ones we choose to use in writing, on occasion, to talk about the things that happen in our lives)
Our response to James' post is in the entry that follows this one...
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September 27, 2011
This will be my third post on this subject, that is the subject of how I think of Frankie (@JstCallMeFrank), my girlfriend be it as one individual or as nine separate and distinct people.
If this is your first post of my blog and you haven't read Frankie's (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/) then a very brief recap:
Frankie has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formally referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and currently there are nine known* personalities.
*they will be carrying out some more mapping soon to better understand the known nine and to see if any more unknown personalities exist.
This is also a rather long and rambling post. It's the most difficult subject I have bloged about, thus this being the third attempt. I know, somewhere in my head is an answer to this that whilst won't make them say "oh that's OK then, I see, in that case do carry on seeing us as nine" it will at least I hope, provide reason enough for them to understand and accept why I have this need / desire to see them as more than one. But it keeps alluding me. I remember at stupid times like when I'm in bed or out and I always forget minutes later. I'm hoping if I ramble enough it might come back to me; I don't have much hope though.
For the most part they are simply "Frankie", my girlfriend, a 'plural singularity'. I made that up so to explain, they are one but they are referred to as "they", "them", "their" etc. just as they refer to themselves as "we" or "us".
For the majority of the time (all of the time if they had their wish) I see them as one, I treat them as one and we are all happy with that. The one day-to-day exception to that is Bethany (an 'alter') who's just six years old, thus is treated differently with regard to intimacy.
This works pretty well and as I hinted at, is the way they would prefer things to be. But I have written several blogs where I discuss the difficulites with this and why I find it necessary to go against their wishes and at times try and work out who -which specific alter- is out at any given time. Again, in short, it's generally due to wanting to get to know them, them as in all the alters and them as in the collective plural singularity that is Frankie (for the benefit of new readers, one alter is called Frank but they are collectively known as Frankie). My only other reason given for this need / desire is to do with the fact that one is six years old, one hates me (hates everyone) and one is a boy.
So OK then, let's have another attempt to view them as one: This is something incredibly difficult to do and harder still to put into words. What's a typical day? They wake up, they're normally not happy about that (mostly that's just a general don't like morning thing, as opposed to them hoping they die in their sleep, mostly) and sometimes they are in a pleasant... (going to try to avoid the word 'mood')... they are pleasant towards me and sometimes they are quite irritated (in general, not (just) with me). They shower, get dressed for work, grab their knives and leave. Sometimes I get an "I love you" and sometimes I don't. I usually get a kiss but not always. When I get neither it does pinch a bit.*2
They come home from work and they are normally happy to see me (to be home) but I know not to "pester" them too much, they have their little routine and I do often get in the way of that. Today (Monday 26th September), like most days because of their job, they are in pain (they have problems with their back due to a car accident several years ago) and this does not help their... fuck it, mood. I didn't get a kiss today, they came in, said hello, asked about dinner, asked for wine, went on twitter. Sometimes I (need to) ask questions and this often pisses them off and they make no attempt at hiding it, usually they just bitch about me on twitter but sometimes they snap at me and get angry with me, then bitch about me on twitter. Sometimes this comes out of the blue. Twitter is a higher priority then me, as a rule.*3
They're hungry, we talk about food, then they "decide" they're not hungry and don't want to eat. Then later they'll want to eat pizza, then they'll say they should probably have a salad, then they'll get upset, sometimes they'll cry. Not everyday, some days, most days in fact to be fair, I know in advance what dinner will be and I'll have it prepared ready. But sometimes it's not so easy, especially at weekends, especially if we're out. Later in the evening they'll want crisps (that's chips to you Americans) or some other snack. Or if we have had a proper dinner and there's a lot / some left they'll eat it all and then get upset (this is sometimes because carbs upset their stomach, sometimes because they don't like eating too much). After that they might want to do something with me, watch a film (play on the new xbox), then they'll go on twitter, they might forget about wanting to watch a film, they might have a glass of wine, they might have three. They will be happy and they will be sad, they will be happy and they will be angry, they will be crying and they will be angry, they will be happy about going to bed, they might be sulky about it. We might have sex, we might not, we may start, we may not finish.
The weekends where we are together more is even more fun.
It sounds quite bad, written in this manner. It's not inaccurate or exaggerated but it does for-go the times that are fantastic, the times we have fun and laugh and enjoy being with each other. Why did I not include them? Like I said, the above is accurate and is fairly typical. I'd also need a few thousand words to go into every minute of every day but again I can use an example of today - they are reading my blog post for today, which is about me saying "Goodbye" to England, they finish reading it and they are joking with me about some of the things I wrote. I go over to them and they put their arms around me, they kiss me, we talk about things briefly, we're all happy, the slightly down mood seemingly forgotten. But anything could undo that again.
Are they any different to any other girl / woman? You might laugh and so "no" but they are. Perhaps I only see it because I know them (all) as well as I do and I see the differences but at least to me, no, they are not the same. And I've been out with nurses and they are proper mardy, moody, bitches!!
If they really were just one, if they didn't have DID but the above was still typical I would probably struggle greatly (OK, even more so) being their boyfriend**. It's not easy when you are going out with someone who's attitude towards you can change almost mid-sentence, when they ask something of you then get angry with you for doing it, when they love you for being there, helping out with things one minute then resent you being there, writing bitchy blog / Tumblr posts about you, loving you then hating you with venom (and I mean proper, vile hatred) and when you're not the only one they have feelings for**. It makes it really difficult sometimes to love them, to love them unconditionally, to love them with every fibre.
To see them as one person, to treat them as one person, knowing them as I do (and that's an important point, it's because I know them, this is not some sort of ticket for others to try and do like-wise), just doesn't seem possible. But if I try, if I can, I will need even more patiences than I have now. To see them as one is to see them as a demanding, hypocritical, contradictory, difficult, moody, bitchy (sometimes damn right nasty), sometimes paranoid, unkind, uncaring, unsympathetic bitch. Fucking horrible bitch. But they are also incredibly loving, funny, smart (not just ...ass), loving (yes, I know I said that already), affectionate, compassionate and lots of other things that made me fall in love with them. So what's the problem? The problem is, as one, I can't put my hand on my heart and say it's enough. I like to think it is, I would certainly still be here with them and I'd fight for them**.
**[Added after Posting] Thought of an extreme example: I know some of them are probably still in love with at least one other person (if not in love with, would still rather be them than me), It's something I manage not to think about very often and they reassure me that they (some of them) do love me and only want me. But sometimes, like today (Friday 30th September) it is a thought I can't shake. They've said goodbye to both these people but one we are meeting again and I wonder now if my previous thoughts on that were blinded. As nine I can deal with it, justify it almost. But tell me how I deal with this if they are just one?
But we also need to look at this from another perspective. Their attitude towards themselves. Again, because I'm their boyfriend and because I spend a lot of time with them (I'm now living permanently with them) I see more than probably anyone else how they do not refer to themselves as one. Of course they don't. But whilst I am expected to treat them as one, they carry on their lives as nine. They frequently say "one of us does / doesn't / did / didn't etc." They frequently make references to themselves in third person. They frequently 'blame' one another for things. None of which makes it easy to see them as one.
Added to that, and something I've written about previously, is that I do know them all, as individuals. It's because I learnt to tell the differences that I found it so difficult to continue seeing them as one. They sound different, they even look slightly different and they certainly act differently. Some of this you could still associate with one person, we all have times where we say things we wouldn't normally or change the way we act from time to time but nothing on this level; the changes / differences are just too great.
It's just occurred to me, I've never actually asked them why they want me (specifically me) to always see and treat them as one. Maybe there will be another post on this subject. For now though I'm not going to ask, for now I just want to concentrate on my reasons.
Perhaps the answer is simple, perhaps the answer to why I can't see them as one is simply because I know them and I can't undo that. They all have a name. Some love me, some don't. Most like me, one doesn't. Most like me being their boyfriend, some don't. They are not one. No matter how I hash this about they are nine. Nine. At least nine. They are Bethany, Brooke, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody and Sam.
You want a singular expression? OK, try this, well, as singular as it gets: They are a fucking bitch.
At times an intolerable bitch. They have reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. They have gone to great lengths to push me away, to try and make me not like them. Some days I wonder why they are going out with me. Some days I feel more love from the fucking cats. Some days I feel like I have to watch everything I say and do. Some days I want... was going to say run away but actually whilst it's a thought I wouldn't actually want to. As I said to them in a comment on their recent blog post, I would rather be with them being a bitch than spend any more time away from them.
Sorry, when I say "days" I do so for ease, what I actually mean and what is more accurate is "some moments of a day that can last for a few hours, but never longer".
But I can forgive them everything because I know they are not just one. I know that the actions of one does not reflect on them all. If one says hateful things to me then I know "who" that is and more important;y I know who it isn't.
And so much more than that, they are nine. They are who they are. They are what they are. And I love them for that. To see them as anything other than who they are, to treat them as anything other than who they are, to love them as anything other than who they are is, in my book, wrong.
They are nine. They may not always like that I see that but that's who they are.
So why do I have the need? Because for me (and again, I stress the point that this is a unique thing for me, in my position, as their boyfriend, as their council sometimes), I can't see them as anything other than who they are, can't love them for anything other than who they and in fact do love them for exactly who they are. I them as the plural single and I love them all as individuals.
...
There is another reason too. One that I push out of my head every time I think of it, or rather every time the thought 'pops' in there. I have an overwhelming fear that one day they won't all be around. I know enough to know that there is no reason why they can't live out their life as they are now. Certainly it is true that neither I nor they want to be 'fixed' or 'cured' and so again, there is no reason why they won't all be around. But cause and effect; if you know enough about DID you'll know they... No, sorry, I don't want to go into this. All that matters is the fear itself whether justified or not.
Perhaps now is the time I discuss this with them because I need to know what their objections are.
Random thought: I spot the switches fairly easily. I don't always know straight away who is 'there' and so I look at them, I stare into their eyes trying to see past them, hoping for some .. sign (?). It makes them very uncomfortable. It's another time they might ask "why does it matter". So why do I do it? If they are really happy then suddenly look as though they are about to burst into tears... or a more extreme example, we're having /just had sex and they sudden'y stop..
Yes, I could still treat them as one, after all, I'm sure lots of people go through this 'change' but if they were one person then it would border manic depression and clearly some underlying issues about sex or intimacy and then I'd be asking questions again. The fact it's because of their DID and that I know this that I can not worry about it. This thought trails off at this point...
...
Over the months I have known them I have gotten to know most of them very well, I've spent time with them individually, usually just as a day-to-day thing, once as a more forced issue (my last few days of being here in August, they and I wanted time with each other one-to-one. Again, I have touched on this before but they are all so individual, so different, that I love them all individually on their own merits(?). And as such I miss them. The week I've been here now I have spent most of my time with three mostly. They asked me why does it matter? It matters because I miss them all. No, I try not to wish for any one in particular, from that point of view it doesn't matter but I do miss them all and when some of them aren't around much I miss them. To say that there's anyone in particular or to name names would be wrong not least of all because it would upset others I never want that. There is NONE (yes, including Brooke) that I would choose not to want to be with (there was an example her but I deleted it because it made reference to one and whilst not a rule breaker, I am determined not to refer to any one other than for clarity) but I admit there are those that I am open;y happier to be with. I really wish I could find the words to adequately say why none of them should get upset by that but I can't. But they (you) shouldn't. It's not about favourites or liking more than others, it's more about (but not limited to) ... [fail]...
Bethany, Brooke, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Melody, Ivy and Sam I love you all. No, it doesn't matter who is here at any time because I love you all and I love being with you all (some make it harder to be so than others).
Has this post finally put to bed why I see them as nine? No.
Has this post helped me understand my need / desire? No.
Has this post helped you (Frank et al and the readers) understand? Doubtful.
Sometimes I need to write things down, to go through my thoughts and try and make sense of them and work through them, After all this I still haven't remembered that one 'jewel' that turns all this rambling into a two line piece that makes so much more sense.
Frank et al, you are more than one person. I need you to explain to me why it is wrong that I think of you as anything but? I think your fears are mainly with the "why does it matter" and honestly, it doesn't. But there's a difference between it mattering to me who is about and how I see and treat you? To be really... frank... I think it's unfair of you to ask me to see you, treat you, love you as anything other than who you are.
If I don't stop now I never will. So for now... fin
*2 But because they are nine, and I know they are nine, I know why I get neither and so it's ok...
*3 But it's part of their self-therapy as well as the nearest thing they have to a 'social life'.
One last thing, sorry, again to Frank et al: I've added and edited the post a few times since first publishing it, I know you haven't at time of writing this addition read it so it's ok but it means I've had reason to re-read the post. Please know and never doubt that I DO love you, so much and I want to be with you and share / spend my life with you. No matter what I've said in this post I love you. There were times once (maybe still is) and maybe again now that you wonder why I love you so much, why I want to be with you and sometimes you tried to push me away to protect me from you. Please don't wonder, I love you. When you look at me and tell me you love me I know it for sure, I can't read you at all normally but I know you mean those words as I hope you know I mean them when I say them to you. I love you Frankie, I want to be with you. Always.
