Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Other Girl: Her Final Journal

We didn't do a post last night (again), we had a few chat/Skype "dates" with friends to enjoy, after an afternoon of anger to defuse. Maybe we'll write about the anger later; we probably will if we have time, but we probably won't have time. Today is Thursday which means Fabulous People and The Pup night (minus mini-Fabulous Person who has to work), plus we have another Skype date and we have to make potato salad for a staff "retreat" that is scheduled for tomorrow.

We wrote on Monday (Monday?) about 
our core, The Other Girl, the girl who was born into the body we inhabit, the girl who used to be in charge of it. This entry is dedicated to her journal entries from the last year, before the end of her. It remains untouched except for the removal of names or sensitive information that would reveal our geographical location or place of work, or people's real names.

Bethany had posted at least parts of TOG's journal a couple of months ago in an entry she wrote, but there is a lot of stuff in this blog, many may have missed it, and this being the week to talk about The Other Girl more specifically than any other week, we thought we'd post it again. It's been available all along under the tabbed page, we took it down right after her final weekend, but then decided it was relevant and so put it back a few weeks later.

The Other Girl started this journal on a separate page of this blog in June of 2010, the first day she moved what she had been writing over to here; it was akin to making a move for her, to finding a new home. It was not posted in daily entries so that it would not be in a spotlight, but could serve some of the purpose in trying to getting her to write, reach out and find others like her. She needed to write and she was resistant, it was difficult, and once summer hit and she began partying all weekend, traveling, working, and doing god knows what, she would increasingly neglect this blog and her journal, until the summer was over.

Anyway. I really don't feel like talking about her much this week - it's upsetting the system too much to collect the memories.

So...The Other Girl....things she wrote; we really don't know if it will make sense to you, but probably nothing here really does to many. We're fine with that.

June 21, 2010
I'll be honest, as I am fond of being.
I don't know what is going to happen with this page.  
While I try to prevent myself from becoming a full-on cigarette smoker again I'll think about it...
I said I'll think about it! 
Now, bum me a smoke. Please!

June 22, 2010 5:59pm
My psyche is restless. My days are punctuated with daydreams of escaping; while my body remains in a state of defeated exhaustion that makes contemplation of any sort of foray into a new life, or a new location, utterly unfathomable.
The last few nights have left me sleepless; my mind racing with thoughts, and my body reminding my brain of it's age and it's conditions. While laying against the cool of the sheets on these uncharacteristically cool and damp nights, I recall that it's been a few months, and this the first extended period in over eight years that I am experiencing un-medicated life.  The familiar feelings are rising to the surface like cream in fresh milk.  
Sleeplessness, obsessive thoughts, restlessness, a desire for mind feeling like it's screaming inside my head battling for release.
From my past experiences with these feelings I feel a bit afraid.  My last attempt at de-medication was unsuccessful because fear drove me back. My weapon is the knowledge and understanding that I recognize what is happening, I recognize it all and if I can be strong perhaps I can harness the storm that is brewing behind my eyes.  
My fear is that the people who surround me, the people who love me, who don't know and have never met this part of me, will have a hard time understanding what I feel, or how I feel, and I will become withdrawn as I have in the past.  Past experiences has not been favourable and were a driving force behind the life of restlessness I once lived.
I can only hope it's a temporary glitch in my circuitry and that before long I will be back to myself.

June 23, 2010 3:16pm
I remain relieved that I have been able to, and am successful at, cultivating an illusion of sanity.
That is all for now.
(continued) 7:40pm
A decision has been made regarding the destiny of this journal page as per my first entry a couple of days ago.  
In hopes that, by putting to "paper" the things that rattle around in my brain, I can ease some of the pressure in my mind and in addition hope that by sharing I can reach out to those who may deal with similar frustrations in their life, those who sometimes feel like they are alone, or drowning, in their irrational, crazy and unbalanced lives and minds.  
If you don't live a life with experiences such as these, or never have, then call it entertainment - or insight.
As my blog states, Just Call Me Frank.
(continued) 10:11pm
Much need night walk about to happen - maybe it will calm my mind some, or maybe it'll send me into a thinking rampage.  I long for my walking partner of the distant past...

June 24, 2010 10:56
A second night in a row for a nice long walk.  A walk is a wonderful thing, it helps you clear your'd head, put things into perspective; it really is a cure for so much.  
On my walk I began to think about things that make me rooted to [city name removed], unable to leave despite the urges and flights of fancy.  When it came down to it, as I admired the beautiful houses and yeads in a nearby neighborhood, [city name remove] is more home to me than anywhere else in the world.  It's definitely not because of the weather.  The people who surround me, my friends, my co-workers, my acquaintances, they are all one-of-a-kind people; and there are so many of them!  They make living in [city name removed] important. 
Another thing that makes living in [city name removed] important to me is my new job, it makes me feel like, for the first time in my work history, that I am in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people.  Going to work is a joy, being able to help people in need grounds me and makes me thankful for everything that I have, and leaves me wanting to do more.  [removed for increased privacy]
The feeling is similar to that I felt when I was a missionary at the age of 15 and 16.  Two years in a row I took missionary trips to Mexico, in the northern portion of Mexico below Lorado, Texas, with a missions group. My favourite parts of these trips were when we served food to the people, and brought clothes and toys to kids who lived in a city built of garbage near train tracks.  While I no longer consider myself religious, I still find a desire to help people in the spirit of "pay it forward".
The catalyst to the rebirth of my restless existence can be contributed to my current circumstances, which finds me on the verge of creating a new career, having closed down my catering company officially this month.  This means starting on a whole new career path.  I have no desire to work professionally in a kitchen, while I am only 30 I have arthritis in my back from injuries and it cannot handle it.  
So, finally I was at a point in my life when I thought I knew what I wanted to do - I am a good cook, I catered a 100 guest wedding reception, the work I got was amazing and enjoyable - but the inconsistency was too much stress and the 6 months straight with no clients drove me to a desire for redesigning my life.  
Why am I sharing all of this? Besides wanting to reach out to people, I have a need to write; it has become a therapy for me.  

June 25, 2010 1:05
This weekend I am welcoming a much needed respite. I am about to embark on a weekend at the lake!  I have to say I have been itching to get to the lake ever since the snow was gone, which this year happened really early, but lousy weather has prevented it...until now.  My best friends decided that, rain or shine, we are going to the lake!
Cut to me scaling the pile of "crap" that is in my front porch, which doubles as a shed, and contains no less than 2 bikes, a lawn mower, MY fishing and camping gear...- yes, I am a girl and I own my own fishing and camping gear - a love seat and much, much more. My only "regret" is that my good fishing rod is a couple hours away, in another country.
The only hope is that the weather isn't terrible (it's supposed to rain) - but either way I'll be spending time playing board games (perhaps some poker), doing some reading (maybe), writing (hopefully) and performing liver conditioning games for my impending Vegas adventure (only 26 more days).
Either way, it's gonna be a good weekend, a change from the usual and maybe I'll get some sun! Meanwhile, no journal or blog posts for a couple of days. Viva la Friday!

June 28, 2010 1:47pm
What a great and much appreciated weekend.  Awesome friends and good times, a cure for what's ailing you!  I'll be getting another dose as I leave again on Wednesday night to head back for the weekend in celebration of one of my best-est fiends 50th birthday and Canada Day (Canadian Independence Day: July 1st).  Journaling/blogging will be limited between now and Monday; no internet and VERY limited cell phone reception...ahhhhhh....relaxing....

July 7, 2010 5:06pm
A relaxing weekend at the lake is hard attainable when it includes alcohol and friends.  I have been attempting to recoup as my new job has expanded to include early mornings.  Once I find a balance I'll be back at the journal (and the blog). 

July 10, 2010 2:15pm
As previously mentioned, I am trying to kick my cancer habit once again.  Again? Again.  
I started smoking in 1993 (because of a boy, of all things) and after 10 years of smoking I decided to quite, and did so, in December 2003, for the better part of 6 years.  I did pretty well along the way, enjoying an occasional smoke but never getting hooked (thank you, Wellbutrin).  The occasional smoking turned to more frequent weekend/vacation smoking the last couple of years when I started dating Significance Other, a heavy smoker. About 4 months ago I went off my blessed Wellbutrin, a medication prescribed to cure a few...things, and my smoking resolve had come unraveled.
I don't buy my own smokes (you're not a real smoker if you don't buy then, right?!?) and I refuse to smoke by myself ... until this last week [red alert]. Now I have taken to "procuring" a few smokes and hiding them in my special spot.

Smoking is not something I am proud of - I try to hide it from important people in my life, it's not something I enjoy - unless it's accompanied by a glass of white wine and Ninja Princess (my best friend), I hate the smell, I hate the taste and I hate the feeling right after I smoke; I live a healthy life otherwise and am a proponent of healthy living.
Why smoke then, you ask?
The idea of smoking appeals to me [something to occupy my hands] - I generally enjoy the social aspect that smoking provides; other than that I don't know why I keep doing it (addiction)...all I know is I have 14 days left of smoking.  
The end of the month I will be taking a trip to Vegas with Ninja Princess, R (other best friend), my good friend "J" (I haven't come up with a name to protect her identity yet...) and a group of other hooligans. R has challenged Ninja Princess, and myself, to quit smoking after our trip. Likely my last smoke with be sucked to the nib standing outside the Vegas Airports (ohh, or maybe in one of their delicious smelling designated rooms - if they still have them) 
Our prize, should we choose to have not even one single drag after we leave Vegas...for a YEAR?  Free dinner for the winner(s) at the very upscale (location removed)  I've never eaten there, it's too expensive.  They have the best steaks in [city name removed] (from what I hear).
I've told Significant Other that if he is still smoking when I return from Vegas (he tried to quit once this year already) he'll have to go live with his mother because I won't be able to handle his smoking if I am try to quit - fair, right?! :-D.
So, while I smoke my face off for the next two weeks I'll be thinking about how yummy a rare, juicy and very expensive steak will taste and feel in my tummy (accompanied by a very expensive baked potato, of course).  
I'm gonna win.  And if I don't...I'm taking Ninja Princess down with me!

July 18, 2010 12:36pm
Smoking update still not good, 3 days to go before week this time, with any luck, I'll be a non-smoker...with any luck.
I've just spent a couple of days attending wedding events...a beautiful bride and a beautiful groom, with their two beautiful children just created a beautiful family - and I wish them all the luck in the world.
I'm getting a better grasp on new job grounds me and makes me appreciate everything in my life, and makes me want to do more.  I still have a small storm in my head, but at least most of what's causing that has a label I understand.  Caution Men at Work.

August 5, 2010 3:12pm
5 days.
It's been 5 days.
It was supposed to have been more but Ninja Princess decided (and I agreed) that going to the lake (which is what we did after Vegas) was not the place and time to quit.  So I had my last cigarette, very unceremoniously, on the deck of my friends cabin overlooking a lake in the White Shell on Manitoba on the day of my 31st birthday. 
It's all fun and games until I poke out someones eye....

August 10, 2010 3:34pm
Tell ya what's not helpful for kicking a smoking habit.  Stress.  Particularly relationship stress.  Ninja Princess and I folded on Friday in the wake of a relationship related spazz out (mine).  So She and I made a deal with R, seeing as there were "special circumstances" and we are now phasing out smoking instead of going cold turkey.  Will it work?  Unlikely.  Do I want it to?  Heck yeah.

In other news, there is no other news.  My birthday was fantastic and I am now back to work and traveling into the states next Wednesday, headed to visit my dad for his birthday and take a trek down by the lake (Superior).  Skip some rocks and do some pondering.

I've been trying to work on more writing but what with scorching heat and working (and playing) I just have not gotten around to much.

August 23, 2010 10:10am
Funny how things can spiral out of control.  Job still awesome.  Smoking not going so well.  I'll be fixing up the 'ol house and selling her soon, with any luck.  Luck.

January 08, 2010 12:19am
It's nearing 6 months since my last journal entry. Smoking update = not good. Job = even more awesome than before, as I slowly am becoming full-time (much to the displeasure of my body). Significant Other is out of the picture. (If you read my blog I guess you know that already)
On the mental health front there are some tests being run for some very serious things.  I am doing my best at distracting myself with all sorts of things/thoughts to prevent myself from freaking right out.
Admittedly there has been some very tearful nights on my own because I push it all down deep, and as everyone should know, pushing things you have to deal with to the bottom of the pile can have a geyser effect when your brain finally makes you deal with.  Kaboom.

January 11, 2011 4:49 pm
Spiral, spiral, spiral....
Sometimes it's a slow leak.
I can't really tell you how she was feeling, and the others aren't talking much because the only thing the rest of them remember is that those months between August and January had been stressful for a large variety of reasons. There were problems renting an apartment, there were problems with Significant Other, The Other Girls' ex-boyfriend who she had ended her relationship with pretty close to the last day of her 2010 journal entry.

When we can get around to that last 6 months of her life, when the others can share with me about how she was feeling, what was going on, other than the dating she was writing about then we will write about it. I do know there were drugs involved, drinking, and a slow progression to withdrawing from all the people she knew.

Not much of an entry, but it's her week mostly; and our week to thank her for doing what she was told, for at least starting to write....

First time here and confused as shit? Poke around, we're not stopping you...

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