Monday, October 25, 2010

Online Dating - all you can do is *sigh*

As woman of the early internet dating phase back when I was 19, you know I've seen a lot of online personals ads.

Now that I am single again I am perfectly comfortable perusing the online catalouge of available men.

It's brilliant actually, who doesn't love online shopping?

The problem, however, lies in the evolution of the available men.  They still can't properly piece together an honestly interesting profile. But boy! Did I hit a gold mine tonight.

Whilst perusing the stacks, as it were, I caught sight of this tag line (it's the second thing I analyze before I take my time to click a profile): 'Society Is A Horrible Instructor'. Intriguing, I thought to myself. And when I clicked that line I was hit with one of the most interesting profiles I have ever seen.

My tag line, by the way, is 'Looking for interesting...'  - something seemingly hard to find in the land of the cyber-daters, at least interesting enough for me.  This one caught my eye so I just have to share it with you, I posted it at the bottom exactly as it appears.  You'll see it.

Anyway, back to men and their lame online personal ads. There are critical things to think about when trying to land an online hottie (or any woman with half a brain). Let's break it down.

First things first, your profile picture(s).  Let's be honest, it's the first thing we look at.  All of them. Right away.  Just like you.  The more pictures you have the better chances you're gonna have (duh).  When you select those pictures make sure you really think about what you are trying to say about yourself.

You know what you see when there is one picture of a man (or maybe up to three, but this picture is there), standing in a room by himself (presumably his house), a room that is void of colour and hardly any...thing?
Unless the assisting pictures contain...
1) at least one picture of you with at least two other men and a beer in your hand
2) let's be honest....if that picture of you standing in a boring room all by yourself is there you have no choice but to have a picture of you with friends having a good time.

...what she'll see is a man who has no life.  Get one and take some pictures of it, because when you are the only one taking pictures of yourself you aren't really having fun.

So there ya got a little 101 on the profile picture.

Taglines....these can be fun!

"Hi" is not enough to get you in the door and this:
"Just looking for someone special" or any variation of that is just plain blah.
We are ALL there looking for someone special, for some special purpose, and you're sharing that same tag line with countless other boring men.  Spice it up a bit.

These are some of the best I've seen:
"Better than the last guy you met..." (very presumptive, but very confident)
"Every choice has a consequence" (look a big word, extra points if spelled correctly!)
"I'm the man your man can smell like" (smooth)

The next thing "we" (though I can only speak for myself) look at is the profile.  Now, I don't mind a short profile, and long ones better be interesting, but for goodness sake.  It's called punctuation, learn some.  Even if you can't spell (which I notice) show you have a little intellect by forming complete and whole sentences.  Even throw in a capital letter for the love of bejesus.  You'll just make me all smiles.

After basic English writing skills, you'll want to have something to say.  Try for interesting.  It's a long shot, I know.

Interesting can be a single sentence (but not a plagiarized one) if you have some skill.

Don't thank people for reading your profile IN your profile either.  That's just kinda creepy and clearly you are trying to take up some characters so the system will let you post your profile, without letting it be too obvious that you're not that interesting.

Describe a date.  Well, I have no real opinion on this.  I think's it's rather silly.  Primarily everyone will go for a drink of some sort.  Less investment in time and money.

Online dating really is an interesting form of mate finding, the process it has evolved to, there are so many steps involved and it's like a giant menu. Those profiles can prove to be very telling of a person and just like ordering from a fine restaurant, the description is what sells the plate.

This is the exact replica of the most interesting profile to date, it's brilliant really.  I don't know if I am infringing on any copyright laws here, can you copyright personals adds?  That would be weird.
Have at 'er, but be prepared, it's a read!

"**Warning**This Profile For Entertainment Only**This is intended as an art form or statement, free form work that lives within this very real dimension of modern love**Thanks for understanding**
I am Eric Bana-na
I haven't as of yet legally changed my name but am accepting scripts none the less.
I am a business owner. I've been a top ranked broadcaster. A producer/writer. Soon I'll move completely over to an inventors' life which I've dabbled with off and on.
I've been able to sell a product nationwide in stores (still do) which was a creation...that should count in the inventor catagory I suppose, but I want to completely engross the 'mad creator in a workshop' character fully and complete with a stuffed parrot on the shoulder while wandering about a beach in the caribbean.
I've explored this idea considerably and am quite comfortable with the notion. 
I'm an experienced older model obviously so naturally I'm really good at some things like patience for example. I could outwait a dead owl hanging on a branch.
Sacrifice. I have nothing but pure belief in myself for any plan no matter the consequences and remain resolute during the hardest times.
Non-judgemental. I have a moral standing that centres on personal integrity. Outside of plain evil intention, everything else is a matter of relative perspective so I don't care if someone chooses to think or do things abnormal to societal standards.
After a career of interviewing hundreds, I've developed senses that cue in on integrity.
Do you live a life that is honest? Are you a trustworthy character? Or are you the type of person I should clearly walk the other way from?
I've learned the difference between casting stones in a glass house and honestly evaluating your surroundings/people in them. 
I am the last human on the planet that isn't glued to a peripheral device of any sort.
I don't twitter, I don't use facebook and I don't have a cellphone (used to and realized I didn't need it). People have come to accept I don't want to be instantly connected. I have an email and a toll free line.
I find tech addicted people unnerving. They give me the odd notion of smacking them across the forehead with an abacus. I don't know quite what to make of this.
But I'm sure glad science created the XBox 360, I have no problems with that hypocritical tech addiction, nope none at all. Or any of the Tom Clancy series, anything involving shooting zombies, NHL 09 where I dominate 75% of the time...
...I'm probably talking too much now. 
My favorite things you ask?
Discovery Magazine, Scientific American and Popular Science are three that lay about, future fodder for my parrot. Then of course I'm reading ALL day long keeping up with world events or scientific breakthroughs.
My homepage is I think that says it all.
I grew up reading a lot of different things. I remember the first horror novel I read was 8 or 9 and it was the Amityville Horror.
Scared the piss out of me, literally.
The bathroom was down the end of the hall...there was no way I could go for months if I woke up in the middle of the night
But that was me even then. I had grown up reading wonderous tales of ghost stories and those famous paranormal accounts written in a dozen different books found in my school library non fiction section.
For movies I can be flexible enough to enjoy anything as long as the script has a story. My favorite genre is horror, however so few good horrors are made and the same thing can be said for Sci-Fi as well.
My first love for movies was the 1929 original first winner of the first Academy Award ever given out, 'All Quiet On The Western Front'. It used to come on CBC once a year at midnight and I would stay up to watch it everytime. Longtime fav's include Mississippi Burning ( I love how Hackman kicks ass ) Exorcist ( I can't watch this one alone...I have and regret it everytime ) Shake Hands With The Devil ( makes me want to kick ass like Hackman )
I've found I've become a TV snob. I'm sorry and I've tried to fix this but typical TV is really really some cases horrible.
I've tried to tell everyone but I'm just a big buzz kill, it doesn't work.
So I've just decided to carry on a quiet protest. I just won't watch and I won't tell anyone. I usually break this rule for sports such as watching any Edmonton Oiler hockey match*
(*82 in the season due to always missing the playoffs but to be honest there is possible 28 more games if things get better)
Edmonton Eskimo CFL match*
(*18 in a season with a potential 3 more..maybe this year crossing fingers again..edited nope not this year...**stards broke my heart again)
Or a cool documentary on National Geographic, Discovery or History.*
(*'Nostradamus effect', 'Pawn Stars', Dan Brown based theory docs.:
Please if there are any hot History Channel employees here, first contact me immediately with your phone number and favorite restaurant, then please tell someone to stop playing these horrible shows...but mostly send me your phone number.)
For music. It's entertainment. It is what it is for the person enjoying it or experiencing it. I try not to be snobbish about this because it's art really, subjective to the individual.
I listen to everything but I don't enjoy country. I don't like beets either for that matter now that I think of it.
Food! I love food! Cooking/Cleaning/Eating, the whole experience is great no matter if it's Italian or Caribbean Curry Chicken. 
I do believe in karma and I do believe at the very least I'm entitled to a parrot for all my troubles. 
I spend a lot of time thinking about why drubbing my finger across my lips might give people the wrong impression of me.
The night we finally lock eye's. The night when you lean in close to me with an air of seriousness and a sense of pain in your voice and you tell me softly, ...'please'...
...'get off my foot'.
"I want someone who can keep up with me"
Why do people describe themselves after golf carts?
I don't get it.
These folk don't need a date, they need a harness. 
On a typical Friday night I am always keeping good posture.

Nope can't do that as this isn't a real profile,'s just here to entertain you as I peek back at who you all are. Fascinating area to be in though isn't it?
But I can tell you this....
Drugs means 'pot'. Get over it. 
I guess where comma's go. I think I do a reasonable 50% average of correct guesses. I can live with that, can't live without an editor though.
I've been a bachelor for 8 years this past August. Although if you've read through all of this, chances are you wouldn't think that would be a big secret.
Old people scare me because they smell like pee and moth balls.
I fabricated this entire plot not intending for anyone to read it. It's so incredibly lengthy and self indulgent it makes me want to drink....straight from a bottle of Puncheon Rum, which I really honestly wouldn't do. But I like coconuts and that's all that counts right? 


  1. Pretty sure that "I'm the man your man can smell like" quote is from an Old Spice commercial...still creative nonetheless.

  2. Wow that was quite the advertisement? Needless to say, it was way too long. Think about it. Everything he wrote is everything you would probably talk about on the first date. LOL Unless of course you want to skip the first date and make the second a well known experience! :D

    But definitely, enough sarcastic humor. Which is a plus for you. He loves cooking/cleaning and blah blah blah...which is another bonus for you.

    Kinda worries me how he has been a bachelor for 8 years. There is no such thing as a Mr or Mrs Right. Asking for perfection will never happen LOL

    and fill in the empty spaces of my characters...Thanks for the read and looking forward to the next article. ;)

  3. Too true "Anonymous" but his profile was completely fictional, to be sure.
    It was just fun seeing something like that and I wanted to share:)