Monday, October 18, 2010

Honesty and other pitfalls...

This should really be called a pain killer babble.

As I lay in bed, slightly doped up muscle relaxers, I can't stop thinking about my blog, honesty, and a certain someone.

I'm gonna be honest here.  There is someone I met recently that, for some reason or another, has captivated me.  We met on an online dating site, messaged each other constantly for a week (to the detriment of me being able to get work done at my job) and then finally, finally, we met for a drink on a Monday night.

I liked him before I met him, about 5 minutes after meeting face to face I thought he was great and a little while later I found him fantastic.  Handsome, 40, funny, outgoing, talkative, interesting, together and fun, let's call him "The Bull Rider".  He liked me right away too.  As we enjoyed out first date I began to really wish I didn't have the early bedtime I set for myself on work nights.

We saw each other the following night and planned for a Thursday date.  As life will often throw you a curve ball, this ended up being no different.  The day before our Thursday rendezvous he got news of an illness in the family, his father was in the hospital. I invited him over that evening so he could talk, I could tell he was taking the news hard.  Early the next morning he flew stateside to be with family.

It's been two and half weeks, we've had contact on several occasions; Still, every fiber of my being is telling me that I've been blown off, but I don't want to believe it; as far as I know he is still out of town.  In our talk before he left I felt he was being genuine in sharing family history and information, but the other part of me, the part of me that remembers the lies told in my previous relationship, by someone who loved me no less, is trying to force me to stand on guard. To protect myself.

So, while he's been gone I've been going on dates, trying to distract myself, but for some reason I feel bad about it, even though I have some great prospects in my near future. Even though there is no relationship to speak of, I know if he were here I would want to be seeing only him, but the logical part of my brain tries to tell me that I don't know that for sure, he might even be in town already and just trying to blow me off gently (insert *giggle* here), and so I feel at odds with myself.  I don't like the feeling of limbo, which is what I am feeling, it's uncomfortable, it makes my stomach churn; or maybe that's the pain killers.

Maybe he has been genuine, maybe at some point this blog will bite me right in the ass, maybe I should take heed.

Maybe I'm all looped up on pain killers and worried that I've already been burned and just don't know it yet.  Maybe I've been burned so many time recently that it all feels like a burn.

Late night blogging, my late night anyway - 5:30am comes fast - maybe it'll help me sleep, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and read what I wrote and delete this entry.

1 comment:

  1. Interesting blog. From my experience and seeking counselling, I've discovered I have trust issues. My counsellor tells me that I am second guessing myself because of people hurting me and getting burnt by friendships. But I kept telling her that I don't think I am second guessing, because when I would give the benefit of the doubt...guess what? That's right! My intuition was right, and I got burnt.

    I guess over time it's going to be a long process to "trust" again. I am presuming the same for you. But from woman to woman, don't let your guard down. If you feel there is a possibility you have been blown off, good chances are you might have been. Enjoy life to the fullest. If he is or was genuine, he will call. ;)