Friday, January 28, 2011


When the very recent past briefly reappears as a glimmer on the horizon (for christakes it's still in the re-view mirror) Frank faces it with bravery...but it's not likely to hold long. Weakness. [He's a] Stupid ass. I melt like butter under the spell of his kisses and it puts me into a daze.
(not butter, I's better than butter...and I couldn't say "I melt like bacon"...the visual just isn't as accurate...close, but not quite)
Everything's just so strange lately. I can't help but think that I am the victim of purposeful relationship sabotage, that for some cruel reason as I try to work past my feelings for FNA, and fix the broken parts of my relationship with Standby after the recent blow to it's structural integrity, he just pulls me back in after rejecting me all too recently, knowing that I am trying to fix things. And boy, does part of me want to play. It's too bad I care too much for Standby - also back in the picture right fast but likely not for long though, tonight is another one of those talking nights for us...oh fun, oh fun. Granted there are times (many) when open communication is important, but at this point it feels like I am beating a dead horse (<- writing that made me laugh out loud).

To even be blogging about him (FNA) is pissing me off right now. I had vowed I wouldn't blog about him, vowed to myself. I actually vowed it about both of them (Standby and FNA), but I never thought it would come down to those two, the only two I really feel like having around...and one is making me choose. (and when I do choose they are likely to disappear from my blogging, sorry readers) And part of me feels strongly that by choosing the one I want, I'll get rejected by him again, immediately or he'll drag it out just long enough and do it again, just because he thinks it's a game.

And really, who is sabotaging who? Am I imagining it, is he doing it on purpose? or am I sabotaging myself? With my mental health on the line for this one, Frank has more thinking to do - even though I know what I want. 

Setting the tone.


  1. If T isn't FNA, then I pity (if that's the right word), your situation.
    I've been there before too (in essence), but in regards to women.
    Be thankful it's only 2 men you're really possibly interested in! At least it's less confusing than if you have more options than that. LOL

    I know:

    Why don't you organize attending an event where ALL 3 of you are together?
    (you, FNA, and standby) lolling

    I know that I'd go for it!
    Two years ago, I took out 3 women university students to a symphony concert, where we all sat together.
    The psychological interactons were fascinating!!!

    Anyway, how long of a break do you need to get your thoughts and feelings organized?
    Maybe you could ask the 2 men to cool their jets in the meantime regarding yourself? ;D
    (I thought you had aleady healed up and were moving on, but I see I was oddly enough, incorrect, lol)

    Please keep us abreast of any new relational developments ;D

  2. They HAVE been in the same place at the same time. You'd have to understand their very different personalities to understand that dynamic - plus they know who each other are and are akin to most of the important information; the ones who actually cares is akin to more of course, but that's because he cares about me. Get what I'm saying?

    As far as a break from them, can't happen (fixtures in my life). Plus I enjoy them for more than just physical pleasures...

    I'm not banking on any positive outcome for this situation, sadly, no matter which way I "cut it".