Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dead End

Nothing is clear, even after hours of talking with Standby (I sooooo need to change his name - he has always  officially been 'Sensational Standby' but for various reasons I have problems with referring to him as SS - and 'Standby' doesn't really express how important he is); though he has gotten some additional insight on what makes me tick the way I do (stories from much, much, younger days). With this new knowledge he claims to have a better understanding of me, and even with all the fucked up shit I poured onto him, he still wants to “wait” for me to get to the place I need. I told him he can't wait, it's not fair to him. He says despite the fact he is not feeling optimistic about “getting” me in the end, he can't not wait. This [his lack of optimism] doesn't have any relation to the FNA issue, as far as he is concerned that has completely ended...and it has, hasn't it.(?) Boooooo.


The night was a gentle splattering of questions and answers, pouring out of feelings (no tears on my end), ending on a light note - until I was stupid and checked my messages. (I never should have sent one first...stupid woman)
In came a message from FNA...debasing my “feelings” (his “emphasis” - but maybe he is just debasing feelings in general, not necessarily mine, doubt it though) neatly, and with the swipe of an insertion of a single quotation. Clouds passed over my eyes, and being as transparent as I am, Standby, who happened to be nearby and watching me, immediately became concerned.

What's wrong” he asks, gently (I can see him putting things together in his mind, jumping to correct conclusions).

Some people just like to fuck with me” I say point blank. Maybe his name should change from FNA to SA.

Dead end.

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