Crash and Burn

I feel I owe my readers an explanation...

Cleaning my slate for the new year ended in a crash landing with assist from a variety of different catalysts. Frank lost her mind for a better portion of a week, masking it long enough to hold herself together at work and crumbling into a frantic mess the minute she could safely do so, sometimes the unravelling began on her walk over the river, on her way home while listening to the favourites playlist that seemed to play all the songs that didn't help matters.

The worst part is that so many things went wrong all at the same time, in my friendships, in my romantic life, and in my workplace; things that threw me into fits of paranoia, sadness, heartbreak, anger, fear and disappointment. What a heaping plate. Throw in some recent health scares and you have a pile of Frank, a steaming hot mess, sobbing on the floor, and staring down the bottom of a few bottles of her favourite white (and a few fingers of scotch here and there, just to twist the knife), talking to herself about talking to herself...out loud. Yep, staring down the precipice of crazy.

The past 5 months I have been unlike I have ever been before and my experience turned me into a vile person, things I never wrote about along the the last months ate away at me, and while I adhere to my statements about relationships or dating; I still can't see the complete point if you don't want to get married at the end of it – which at the time of writing is not something I desire; I must alter my approach. For despite losing my mind I came out the other end softer; developing feelings does that I suppose.

I had intended on extending my crazy experimenting with dating for another month but situations arose like a vast wave and within two weeks I “lost” my two (and only, for over a month now, actually) favourite men...and decided to jump ship on the whole experiment. The turning point to my leap was “falling” for one of them, the one I couldn't have - the one that somehow gives me the impression that he thinks I am a giant evil whore. Going into it, knowing I couldn't “keep” FNA, I didn't think it was going to be a problem, having been able to not develop even a liking to the other men I had been seeing the last 5 months I felt I could handle it. I did a great job of lying to myself, now that I look back on it, possibly for months.

The biggest problem was that I liked him (FNA) as a person, I've always been attracted to men that have enriching qualities and he was no different. I thought he was intelligent, fun (when he wasn't being guarded), interesting (even though I'd tune in and out watching his lips), and I liked him despite the fact that he was a dispassionate charming ass, but I mean ass in the nicest way possible. And it's not that I want him wholly and completely; I just wanted him for a few hours a couple times a week.

And when I listened to my former-FNA talk to me, and saw my reflection in his words, I decided enough was enough. I knew the person I was putting out wasn't me, but a caricature of myself that was being fed by an ego fuelled by dating block heads and letting myself get carried away. Of course now, because I am bitter and in-like with him, I am acting petty and ridiculous most of the time when I am around him. For instance, checking out woman together should not bother me...it didn't before, why should it now? Stupid irrational female.

Meanwhile, the other (Standby) fell madly in love with me. We ended the physical portion of our relationship after he discovered my dirty little secret (FNA) – which wasn't a secret because he told me he didn't want to hear about any other men I might be seeing. When will they understand, just because you don't hear about them doesn't mean you aren't creating them in your head. In any case he wasn't impressed, cited our unbalanced emotional investments as his cue to drop me, and sobbed when I told him I wasn't going to be able to give him what he wants right now, that I am not ready.

I am sure it doesn't help (him) that we've (Standby and I) been “seeing” each other on and off for over 3 years, each time being a turbulent twisted emotional three-way; the first time the balance was different - she was in love with me, I was in love with him and he was in love with her (don't get me started).

Standby has always been a clear choice in my head if ever we were single at the same time, for any length of time, and both ready; but now...now...NOW...yeah, now I'm a big mess because at a time where I should be ready for the man who could be the everything to me, who loves me unconditionally (seriously, you don't know what he has put up with), who knows how to take care of my crazy (and loves me because of it)...wasn't the one who got me in the end. And to make matters worse the one who didn't want me, got me. Go me.

While Standby is eager to resume his previous position I am finding myself (reoccurring theme alert) disconnected. He has began suggesting different things to do when we resume our “relationship”, things I really want to do...just not with him. Things much more suited to FNA, which just makes me think of a few of the bullet points that make up the list of things that earned him the title FNA (Fantastic New Addition); and to put Standby in that role just seems wrong on many levels. Guess how much that sucks?

So, there you have it...amidst that recent turmoil between Ninja Princess (my bestie) and I (never mentioned that situation – far too upsetting, and intertwined with other matters), paranoia over my job, health scares, and “falling” for the one man I shouldn't...you have Frank, broken on the floor. And it's not even Febrauary. Crash...aaaannnnddd...BURN.

Frank is made of rubber, and bounces back fast – at least on the outside.