Sunday, January 30, 2011


Frank is fucked.

One week later and Frank is almost back to Square One, or back to the Giant 'Circle' of Hell, you pick your favourite. What I thought was “filed away” slithered right back into place, and now the lying is going to be harder. The lying to myself, impossible. And I don't like lying, I am terrible at it (I've been told by countless people, including Standby – two days ago). Withholding information works better for me than lying, and I'm still not so good at that.

Faced with an imminent decision, I will be spending the afternoon with Standby (brunch, museum and hot chocolate at the best place for hot chocolate in the city) – one thing I have to say for Standby, he knows how to entertain me (outside the bedroom, as well as in). This bodes well for his future.

The goal will be to try to not think about FNA/SA (<-the transformation begins) throughout the day, trying analyze why he is fucking with me. I don't really like feeling crazy (more crazy than I generally am, anyway).

So into my day with Standby. We (Standby and I) seem to spending a lot more time together lately (easier to know what I am doing if you are by my side I suppose)...and this is starting to grate on my nerves; I DO love spending time with him but it's increased three-fold in the past month; he even changed his cellular plan so he can text me more often, knowing that I don't like talking on the phone. Yes, very sweet, and if I didn't love him to pieces I would be more angry about all of it; it makes me mad (mad, not angry...know the difference). Makes, drives...I am going mad. These two men are driving me mad.

I know what I want, but what I want is a very silly, illogical, thing. I also have others to think about, Fabulous People for one. Without FP I'd have lost my mind during the trials of January...oh, wait, it's STILL January.

Armed with all sorts of new knowledge this time around, will Frank forge ahead with what she wants, knowing that, ultimately, it will end in disaster at some point – it's only a matter of time. Or can I ignore what I want this time? I know I should go for the one who cares for me, that would be logical.

Two days. Decisions. Reason tells me to go with the one who has the ability to tell me what he wants in clear, uncertain terms - no matter what it is that he wants – the one who can be honest with me – the one who isn't afraid. We'll see how the next two days play out.

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