Sometimes you have to let go of people, not because they have wronged you, or because they have died, not because you don't care about them, but because they refuse to acknowledge the present, and keep a hold onto the past, a past you feel is unhealthy to hang on to, because they cannot deal with a "variation" of you, that do not include the person they once knew you to be.
Our birthday (though not acknowledged by the majority of us) was Tuesday. We got a Facebook message from an old friend wishing us Happy Birthday. A friend we hadn't seen, or even spoken to her, since LAST JUNE, when she was in town for a visit, so imagine our surprise a year later...
We read the message, twice, put it out of our mind (while it sat and intermittently nagged in the background all day) and then promptly forgot about it when we retired to the basement to eat cupcakes James had made us, while we watched a movie ('Jeff, Who Lives At Home', not a bad movie for those who like more independent type films) we had put it out of our mind, eerily easy for us to do for long periods of time...until we opened our e-mail yesterday and received the following message:
"I miss you! I miss you more than words can possibly express.... I want to wish you, [TOG] a Happy Birthday. I still believe with all my soul that you are here. I LOVE you." ...the message said.
Sweet, right? Beautiful, right?
We tried to figure out how we could possibly explain the feeling we had, what could we use to describe this...thing...
Aside from paranoia, we also felt sadness...
Imagine, for a minute, you decided to change your life.
Say you were...an alcoholic, and so were all of your friends.
Or a drug user, as was everyone you knew.
A Christian, but now you are a non-believer.
Sane/"normal"...but now...not so much.
Imagine you have taken the steps to remove the elements from your life that caused you harm, pain, unhappiness, problems...you did everything, maybe you didn't do it right, but you did the things you needed to do to create closure within, to right the things wrong that had happened.
For all intent and purpose, that part of you that the people you knew: the alcoholic, drug user, Christian, "normal"...that part, is gone. Dead. No more. In fact, you can never have another drink, be near a drug, suspend disbelief, deny who you are...
Yet, those from your past refuse to acknowledge the change in you, or in our case... acknowledge any of us.
Like a slap in the face, you don't exist.
We know it sounds extreme, but are we going to sugar coat our feelings, come up with false ways to describe the feelings? Of course not.
Despite it not being most of ours' birthday (lets not discuss that odd detail...today), and maybe she didn't create the message to hurt any of us, but the feeling it inspired was dejection.
She may very well be reading this. The chances are likely, as almost every person who knew TOG knows how to find our blog/e-mail/Facebook account...everything...many even know where to find us offline.
If you are reading, we're sorry for sharing your e-mail message here (but also, this is why things are anonymous with many of the people we write about here).
And if you are reading, Partner In Crime.
May of us do miss you. We're also ashamed of the things we did to you, and we're uncomfortable with being called TOG's name, and we're...so many different people, and the one you love, the one you can't let go of? She's gone. Even if somewhere in the recesses she exists, she's not welcome here, in our new life.