Messy Head

Today wasn't good. We went to the gym and had a nice 50 minute cardio-workout, but only because we felt the need for a new bottle of Gin (we hate to run out), and the gym is right next door to the liquor store. And we didn't need to hear the bitching from within, if we left the house and didn't work out. So it was really a case of having to workout.

It's been days of physical pain now, the intensity varies. Some of our day just meant laying still, eyes closed. It's fine, really. It's not a big deal, this many years with this pain, it just IS. (Dad, you don't need to scare us with saying we're not too young for heart problems) We don't want to worry about that, we've already had a couple of days of mild anxiety attacks without even considering those kinds of health issues. We've even decreased our coffee intake a bit. We've never had a problem with blood pressure. It's actually textbook perfect. But lately it feels heart-pounding and breathtaking.

We're still waiting to hear about the house offer. They are really dragging their feet. It's causing some anxious feelings.

People "keep" coming to us for advice, and sometimes just because they want us to read their blogs, or want our attention...maybe even validation...and we don't read DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) blogs. Or they think we can help them. We can't help anybody, people can read what we write and find help, if it helps them, but we're not here to specifically help people. This is OUR therapy. Respect it. If you find something that helps you, that's great, but please don't try to seek help from us.

We're just feeling all messy, and *waves hands randomly in slow motion* blarg, and it's hard to concentrate; and apparently the cat keeps licking the toothbrushes.

~ some of the et al

What We Read - A Week in Review: November 12-19th, 2012

Highlights from our week of internet reading. A new entry theme we'll try to do twice a month, of the things that influence us, in one way or another, and in many cases inspire further research and reading into the matter. Let's call it resources for learning.

------------------------
Google: 'Government surveillance is on the rise'
Heather Kelly, CNN, November 14, 2012

http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/13/tech/web/google-transparency-report/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

Obama's health care overhaul turns into a sprint

Richardo Alonso-Zaldivar, Associated Press, November 8, 2012
http://bigstory.ap.org/article/obamas-health-care-overhaul-turns-sprint

The Spoon Theory
Christine Miserandino, ButYouDon'tLookSick.com
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

[totally brilliant and correct]

The Israel-Hamas Conflict, Explained: What you need to know about the escalating violence.
Dana Liebelson, Mother Jones, November 16, 2012

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/11/latest-israel-hamas-conflict-explained

Citizens of 39 States Petition to Seceded From The Union

Joseph Marks, NextGov, November 13, 2012

http://www.nextgov.com/emerging-tech/2012/11/39-states-now-petitioning-secede-union/59482/

Neuromarketing: Is It Coming To A Lab Near You
Mary Charmichael, November 9, 2004
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/persuaders/etc/neuro.html

It was a very slow reading week for us...

Past "What We Read" Entries:

• What We Read - A Week in Review: October 8-15th, 2012
• What We Read - A Week in Review: October 22-29th, 2012

We Don't Read Your Blogs

Let me specify.

We are talking about most mental health blogs. otherwise we do read blogs. These days we read more blogs than books, much to one of our displeasure.

We do hit a mental health blog on very rare occasion, particularly from new followers on Twitter, just long enough to trigger us into a bad place and then move on, because who wants to be in a bad place. Triggers suck when they are the bad kind, that's a primary reason for avoiding many mental health blogs, as well as struggling to control many aspects of our life, and what we are exposed to. Honestly, while we love Twitter...it can be a massive trigger for some of us, but only occasionally.

While some people find comfort in reading our blog, as many have told us, and we indeed strive to reach out TO others, we do NOT strive to reach back. Does that even make sense? We're not looking for a life vest, or a buoy. We work towards being our own. That's what we're trying to articulate.

We've never been the kinds to seek approval from people, other than just sorta blending in a bit for as long as we could. So if this, or anything else we say in this entry, pisses you off, please feel free to comment, but know we will either a) not care or acknowledge it b) care too much and flip out c) be triggered into some sort of defensive mode that may end poorly d) all of the above and more. It's what happens when we share the same blog, the same body, the same life structure.

Image Source

The Boyfriend makes Russian Roulette jokes all the time. All barrels are loaded up in this place. Sometimes it's not eggshells that The Boyfriend tiptoes over with some of us, it's shards of broken glass.

We're lovely though...or so he has said...on occasion...

Back at er.

Yes, we do have friends with mental illnesses, some similar to ours, some different, if they write we read their writing, but we, like them, are not seeking a group where we can talk about what is "wrong" with us all the time. Or a place to complain. Or a place to act like we are better than others, or worse than others, or more mentally ill than others. Life is not a competition, or a pity party. For us, it just is and we can't wallow in our problems, because if we did that from the start...well...what life would we have then?

"Mmm, you make us sound sorta like an arrogant bitch."
"Who does she think she is?"
"I don't want enemies."

You see, we write, about our life, our experiences, our thoughts, this is our therapy. We no longer see a therapist, we haven't in over ten years. We do not take medications, we haven't in almost two years. And while we are sure there are many out there who write similar to us, we do not desire to connect with pain...we have enough of our own. We don't need a hole to wallow in; we are susceptible to falling in them, so we choose to avoid those of other people...we end up digging enough of our own anyway.

"Why are we even writing this."
"Who do you think you are?"
"It's okay, make us seem like a bitch. Makes me happy."
"I'm not being a bitch, I'm being honest."
"Call it what you want."

We don't join/follow mass amounts of heavy mental health blogs, while we provide links to some of them...we have a low tolerance for visiting them.We get misunderstood, we think; and while we're not overly concerned about it, many of us don't want people's feelings to be hurt. Feelings hurt because we don't read their blogs, follow them back on Twitter, Friend them on Facebook.

Many of us tend on self-awareness, and it may sound stupid, but sometimes it's a burden. Some us can also pick up on emotions, moods, even very subtle shifts, of other people (some call that empathy) even among strangers...a lot of the time in real life, but sometimes in writing too. Particularuly those that we can identify with. Honestly it makes some of us EXTREMELY uncomfortable, exhausts us, and/or sometimes makes us feel paralyzed. We can't all be Melody all of the time. (she's the one of us who has very few, if any emotions...she is void of most feelings outside of our system*)

Triggers, empathy...everything...we just can't read your blog, your Facebook status, your Twitter feed, if you use it as a platform to focus on all your mental health problems with negative thought and/or no illustrated discourse on how you are working to solve them. Other people may enjoy that...just not a huge percentage of us.

For our own mental health we don't read the blogs, books, the texts (any more than we have to in order to provide valuable sources for people who read ours) or watch movies (purposely) that deal with specific mental illnesses, one being our own.

Understandably we may not be able to participate in any Mental Health Month Blogging activities, once again, like last year, after we publish this Possibly because what we wrote here today might upset the wrong people. We also realize we may lose readers because of this, but we write so much than just mental health here...

~ Frank et al

Note: the coloured sentences are conversation we had with each other while writing.

*Triggers: Conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; reaction to stimuli; sometimes causing a re-experience.
*For more terminology: http://wearejcmf.blogspot.com/p/dissociative-identity-disorder_05.html

We Get Written About: Examiner.com

We are running behind on posting...tonight, at some point, we plan to write about The Other Girl....we've mentioned her a lot these last few months but we want to tell you about her; we want to take this week to talk about her a bit and share some of her writing seeing as it's the year anniversary of when she started this blog here at Blogger.com. It's been hard getting around to talking/writing about her because, while I am fine with her being gone (having had the largest part in it happening), it makes some of us upset. Some of them who spent much more time with her than I did.

Meanwhile, we want to do this "extra" entry today, just in case we don't get around to the one planned for tonight (promise, promise, we'll try) to tell you about one of our followers, and friend, on Twitter who has written about us recently. Vicki Brunson (@VickiLikesFrogs), a writer for Examiner.com - National  from Topeka, Kansas, has written about us this past week as part of a series she is doing called Bloggers Doing Good.

In the past month or so she has also asked us questions that we posted in a blog entry, that have helped her, and others, get a little more insight on life with Dissociative Identity Disorder; our life at least.

If you have time to read a little, check out her article(s), we we're the third in a series.

Or read what she has written about us Bloggers doing good: Just Call Me Frank.

Thanks goes out to Vicki from most of us for helping us raise awareness on mental health issues. While some of the content on this blog does not pertain to mental health specifically (but serves as a past-time/hobby for us, and an example of how "normal" we actually all are), there is a lot of content here that deals with the origins of our disorder, our personal experience(s) with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder), and resources to provide more information for people to learn about it.

Some of the personal recommended reads:

The Mental Health Entries:
Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder

• Mental Health Awareness Month: Our Introduction
• We Chat With The Father About DID (this post contains information on what DID is)
• Frank Gets Candid (We talk about Catherine, one of our alters)
• **We Freak Out** (this was a very important day, the day we met Marisa, recoverer of DID)
• We Are Fragments
• We / We Get Random / We Have Questions
• Marisa Answers Our Questions
• Frank Gets Candid, About Memories...and Bethany (we talk about one of our alters)
• A Note From Frank, and ONLY Frank (actually not written by Frank)
• Standby and The Death of the Other Girl: Part 1 of 3 (we start talking about the death of one of our alters [our core])
• Our Ears May Be Burning (we talk about what people we recently knew might be saying over Easter)
• We Just Need A Good Map (Mental Health Awareness Month Post - Frank talks about DID mapping)
• We Don't Do A Blog Post (we talk a little about mapping, Bethany, unicorns & stuff)
• We Discuss Three Mis-Diagnosed Mental Illnesses
• A Day In The Room (Writing done by those other than Frank (et al)
• We Have Nothing To Lose (Cassandra talks about the death of a mentally ill "friend")
• Frank Lets You Know Bitch (me!) (Bethany got to write her very own entry about herself)
• Sam Gets Angry About Ignorance  (Written by Sam)
• A Little Bit Of Emmie (Written by Emmie)
• Sam Gets Set-Off (written by Sam)

Other stuff we have written, including links to poetry, paintings and some lighter stuff: Recommendations - Weeded From Our ... Feeded?

We hope you all have a great afternoon/evening/morning. We're going to finish our work day and drinking with our drinking buddy.

~Frank

Reading We Recommend: Casey Hannan

We used to read a lot. Like, a lot a lot. We read to escape our life when we were a child, when we were grown we read to learn things, filling our head with something less painful than what was in there...then after our car accident The Other Girl didn't read much for many reasons. It got harder to do, to concentrate on books and texts. She had a minor brain injury and things changed for awhile. Writing, reading and comprehension became harder for her, she couldn't focus; which made her second attempt at University, after the accident, a lot harder - despite the fact she had been admitted into a disability program granting her private rooms and longer testing periods, it only helped a bit. It made her feel like weak. The person who used to edit her papers from her first time at a different University even said they could tell the difference in the quality of her writing.

We look forward to the day we can read a whole book, cover to cover - we tend to be distracted, we have inherited her brain and body, and all the problems that come with it.

We've attempted to read library books, but since it's hard for us to leave the house it usually ends in fines of insane proportiones. We usually take out too many books because we are hopeful to be able to read like we used to, and there are so many books we want to read. Recently we had $100 in library fines. You can buy a lot of books for that kind of cash, if you bought them from Amazon.com (we added the link as a shameless @NickSilly plug, he helps us out with content on bad days, is an Amazon affiliate, and a friend on Twitter).

We've tried to read fiction, nonfiction, Emily Dickinson, blogs...we love to read, as much as we love to paint, and write, do all sorts of other things; we have a lot of interests.

We got a new follower a couple of weeks ago over on Twitter, and that night he followed us we were "melancholy". (for this, read: woke up, after briefly passing out following a few drinks with the man we love(d), then sobbing into our last glass of scotch, cursing ourself over our life of misfortune)

Anyway. 
We got this new follower and clicked onto his blog...something we are occasionally known to do; we were somehow able to get through an entire entry...and then another. We were surprised to be drawn into his words, so smooth...something comforting about the way he wrote, the way he constructed his sentences and made them melt off the "page", like a warm blanket over our heart. We continued to read his entries as long as we could, we read his coming out story on SmokeLong Weekly and went back to the blog. We read his March, we have since read much of his work.

He presents links to off-site work under 'Places To Find Me Naked', we appreciate the truthfulness that exists in that statement. Writing sometimes makes us feel exposed...naked.

“Sometimes a surprise isn’t a surprise,” I say. [a line we really enjoyed, taken from Fabulous Lightening]

In Fabulous Lightening Casey makes you want to be at that restaurant with him and his mother, at that table; observing. Luckily in just a few sentences he makes you feel like you actually could be there, or the table next to it.

We like his writing, and though some of our readers might like it too. This is our first blog/book review...it's a start. It's more of a recommendation though, so check him out, or don't - it'll be your loss.

More of Casey's writing...

http://www.casey-hannan.com/ (more links on his blog)

The Devil Took My Language

http://www.decompmagazine.com/skyburial.htm

http://amphibi.us/all/copy-editing/

Follow him on Twitter @poetyrduh