Weekly Update

(image source)

This week:
A paper (2nd draft w.i.p.)
One quiz.
Two tests.

Homework.

Work.

We've managed to hop on the elliptical a bit, just to try to cull some mental balance.

...

Word is our contract for work may be extended two weeks to a month, depending. So, by around Thanksgiving we'll have time to write about all the mental breakdowns we've been having, (ugly, ugly, ugly)...the headaches...the problems...

Meanwhile.

All of our creative juices have been limited to 140 characters.
Thank goodness they are being stored in the Library of Congress (and downloaded periodically to our computer via Twitter archives) so we won't have lost any of our poetry that only exists on Twitter.

Now...back to it.

Messy Head

Today wasn't good. We went to the gym and had a nice 50 minute cardio-workout, but only because we felt the need for a new bottle of Gin (we hate to run out), and the gym is right next door to the liquor store. And we didn't need to hear the bitching from within, if we left the house and didn't work out. So it was really a case of having to workout.

It's been days of physical pain now, the intensity varies. Some of our day just meant laying still, eyes closed. It's fine, really. It's not a big deal, this many years with this pain, it just IS. (Dad, you don't need to scare us with saying we're not too young for heart problems) We don't want to worry about that, we've already had a couple of days of mild anxiety attacks without even considering those kinds of health issues. We've even decreased our coffee intake a bit. We've never had a problem with blood pressure. It's actually textbook perfect. But lately it feels heart-pounding and breathtaking.

We're still waiting to hear about the house offer. They are really dragging their feet. It's causing some anxious feelings.

People "keep" coming to us for advice, and sometimes just because they want us to read their blogs, or want our attention...maybe even validation...and we don't read DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) blogs. Or they think we can help them. We can't help anybody, people can read what we write and find help, if it helps them, but we're not here to specifically help people. This is OUR therapy. Respect it. If you find something that helps you, that's great, but please don't try to seek help from us.

We're just feeling all messy, and *waves hands randomly in slow motion* blarg, and it's hard to concentrate; and apparently the cat keeps licking the toothbrushes.

~ some of the et al

Dueling Depression

Like a "virus" it gets under the skin, can't locate the source, or even, many times, how it even happens. All of a sudden enjoyable things, like writing, being awake, things previously obsessed about doing become a chore, become tiresome, become too much. Sleeping twice as much becomes the way to get through the day. Eating patterns change. Everything changes for the worse, everything becomes forced to attain a normal feeling that doesn't end up feeling normal, only heart breaking.

We've felt it coming. We staved it off with thoughts of moving, the anticipation had grown. Whenever we had a bad day we just mentally put ourselves into our new home...and think of all the things we were going to do with it. Pictured painting in our new studio, and gardening in our beautiful gardens, and canning and cooking in our new kitchen. It was our retreat.

And then we lost it, it fell through. Interesting to know, they actually reduced the price by $5000 today; given that we just had to pull out of the sale this last week because they wouldn't accept our amended off after the property inspection, we're not ready to try to deal with them again right away. We've been burned, and we need time to deal with it. Some of us figure that the property will continue to stay on the market, even until after we find an alternative, and in the end be sold for what our final amended offer was.

Now our "safe place" is gone. There is nowhere to mentally put us when a place is needed. We don't like creating fake places to get by, because fake is...well...fake. We want a real place to put ourselves into, a home, a destination...a dream place based on reality and the future.

We've been mourning it in numbing fashion, sliding deeper into the hole we'd been poised above for months, understanding we are depressed, but not clinically depressed; there are marked differences between the two. Over the past couple of weeks we've worked on decreasing our drinking habit again, by about 50%, even though it's our only pain killer for back pain. So far so good, we suppose.

To combat the depression before it gets worse, because it's gotten exhausting to pretend we are mentally fine and dandy, some of us have been doing it for month. We plan to start working out again. The distraction of the gym and exercise will be healthy, both mentally and physically, and is needed.

We went to the gym today and did 30 minutes of cardio, just to start, on the cross-trainer mostly; it's always been our favourite piece of cardio equipment (it burns the most calories per minute while being gentle on joints). We had to decrease the amount of time we run because of our knees and back and so found love in the cross-trainer. It's been two years since we've been to the gym. We used to be frequent (4-5 times a week) gym members. It felt great getting back into it today, until we stood on the scale for the first time in a year...and then a desire to return each day, or at least three times a week, was put into drive. It went from feeling great, to feeling essential. As our weight has been an issue almost most of our life.

So, while trying to figure out where to move, how to move, and when to move, given we don't want to compromise too much on the dreams we have laid out; and with a bit of a new distraction of going to the gym and focusing on our body a bit with a goal of hopefully losing 20 pound before the Tweetup we are (planning) on (co)hosting in May 2013 (that's about as much as we can lose without looking ill); we hope to keep a stiff upper lip, and not let the wrenches tossed into the spoke of our dreams get us down. It's not easy, but we're many-times-survivors, and we can duel this depression like a pro...hopefully soon.

~ Frankie et al

Random Babble Part One Million Pounds

Sunny Day Again!

Despite the fact we lost our wallet yesterday we are in a good mood. The debit card has been canceled, and the drivers license in replaceable. It's our fault anyway, we don't listen to ourselves and it fell out of our jacket pocket...it was only a thin plastic case with two sleeves in it, after all. We have nobody to blame but our inability to listen to each other.

As we are in a fairly good mood we are going outside to play in the sun.

Actually, walk to get a proper cup of coffee and then meet James at the grocery store that is a nice walk away, because someone has been stressing about our weight, even though many of think it's fine, she keeps moaning about it...and we know upon the return of Emmie, whenever that may be, we will be given an ear (head?) full about letting "her" body put on extra weight - though we don't have a scale to weigh ourselves, we figure we have put the weight we put off when we first got to England, back on. Though our jeans still slide onto our butt, just a little more tightly than usual.

We also figure more exercise (not that we're a complete lazy ass...most of us anyway) will alleviate some of the terrible pain we have been having again.

So with that in mind we have taken to forcing ourselves into the outdoors and taking long walks to the grocery this week (opting for the one much further than the one where we purchase our coffee), which round trip is about three miles. And it also means we get to meet James for lunch everyday, so that's nice too.

Tomorrow we leave for Kerry's for another weekend visit, and tomorrow is James' last day of work, and Sunday is his 36th birthday, which means cake and wine and extra calories. Maybe another hike up Mount Ida is in order to shave some of the wobbly fat off of our ass.

Fascinating, right?

Ha!

Everything we write can't be fucking gold.

~ et al

<this entry was scheduled to post at the end of the day>

Added at 10:35 pm - 12 hours later and we can't make sense...sentences partial as they tumble from our lips. Apparently we're cranky...but there is just too much noise and our faculties are crumbling. James goes on about he is "so lucky"...threaded with deep sarcasm, but says we're still lovable...so there's that.
We need lift.

Our Guest Blogger Writes About S.A.D.: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Our Intro to to this is in the previous blog post: http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/09/tonight-mri-guest-blogger-entry.html.

Are You Feeling S.A.D.?

I had a tweet from one of my follower @TheOnlyMinx who is an awesome lady and also follows Frank, her writing and mine to. She has S.A.D and asked me to write something about it, which of course I said I would (I will write for anyone!). I really hope that I do not disappoint her so here goes – wish me luck!

As I write, it is a beautiful autumnal day. Autumn is my favourite time of the year. The trees are greens and golds and reds. There is that smell in the air. I get to cover up (I look better with more clothes on, I promise you not just my body confidence issues :S). I live in the middle of the countryside so I can feel the effects of the changing weather. I moved here from a VERY large city and I noticed a tension in EVERYTHING (lambs, cows, sheep, humans, dogs – everything) during the Spring time, then something just popped and it all resorted back to normal. It was my first real experience of what is called Spring Fever. But Autumn is definitely my favourite. Nights in snuggled up in front of the TV. Stodgy comfort stews. Bonfire night. Toffee apples. Heaven!

However, for many it’s just hell on earth. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is where a person experiences mood changes with the onset of a new season. Affect is a psychiatric term for mood, not that you become super efficient or anything like that! It can happen in any season. I have a friend who always goes low in mood during the summer months, however, it is much more common for people with this disorder to become low in mood during the autumn and winter months. Listed below are some of the range of symptoms you can get. As always it’s not exhaustive and comes from 2 different trusted websites :

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/seasonalaffectivedisorders.aspx

http://www.sada.org.uk/

Depression

• Low mood, worse than and different from normal sadness
• Negative thoughts and feelings
• Guilt and loss of self-esteem
• Sometimes hopelessness and despair
• Sometimes apathy and inability to feel

Sleep Problems

• The need to sleep more
• A tendency to oversleep
• Difficulty staying awake during the day and/or disturbed sleep with
  very early morning wakening

Lethargy

• Fatigue, often incapacitating, making it very difficult or impossible to carry out normal routines

Over Eating

• Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods leading to an increase in weight

Cognitive Function

• Difficulty with concentration and memory
• The brain does not work as well, or as quickly

Social Problems

• Irritability
• Finding it harder to be with people

Anxiety

• Tension
• Stress is harder to deal with

Loss of Libido

• Less interest in sex and physical contact

Sudden Mood Changes in Spring

• Sharp change in mood
• Some experience agitation and restlessness and/or a short period of
  hypomania (over activity)
• No dramatic mood change but a gradual loss of winter symptoms

OK Here is the really crappy thing: it comes back. For those of you lucky enough not to have experienced clinical depression before please read my entries on depression and suicide to get a flavour of what it’s like. Having depression is a bit like being an Easter egg: looks nice and normal on the outside but once you take the wrapping off it’s just hollow and disappointing on the inside. Coping with depression just once is hard enough but having to live with the knowledge that it is a long term condition takes the biscuit!

As those of you who follow me on twitter, or who have read my book (http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kerry+stott&x=0&y=0 blatant book plug) will know I have had cancer and have to live with the fact that it might return. I guess that qualifies me as having a long term condition. Anyway, having a long term condition like SAD is kind of like pacing yourself for a marathon. I frequently say to my patients, and myself when I want to go and splurge on chocolate or wine, that sensible is not glamorous, sensible generally is not fun, sensible is definitely not fair. However, sensible keeps me alive, sensible helps my mental health, sensible ensures that I see tomorrow with my lovely family.

Any long term condition requires you to be as healthy as possible. That means eating the right sorts of food. People who have SAD tend to want more carbohydrates. A way around this is to keep a record of what you eat. It need not be as prescriptive as they do at Weight Watchers but just keeping a note of what you put in your mouth. There may be a pattern to it that you were unaware of before. If there is, then it can be planned for. I am not suggesting having a set amount of carbs per day, but perhaps a weekly upper limit that you are comfortable with. So if you want to pig out on Wednesday that’s ok but try not to on Saturday – you get my drift? If carbs are your weakness, clean out and detox your kitchen, if it’s not there you can’t eat it! Food is my weakness, I eat too much.

Micro nutrients. Vitamins A,D,E,K; C and B complex and the full range of minerals is essential to proper brain function. Vitamins C and B complex are water soluble so you urinate them out daily and it can be very difficult to overdose on the (please don’t go trying or I will laugh at you, you complete plank!). Vitamins A,D, E, and K are fat soluble, which mean that they require fat to be absorbed into your body. In return they can be stored in your fat supplies, thus making is easier to take too many. That said the western diet is so shitty that most people NEED a radical overhaul of it to even get anything close to the correct balance of nutrients. Which is why supplement companies make a fortune! There is plenty written on the internet about food and mood. Most of it is quite good and sensible; don’t go for any weird and wonderful advice because it is normally shit; you have been warned. For a more technical take I would recommend ‘Changing Minds, Changing Diets’ by Courtney Van de Weyer. It was published in 2005 so the research is a little dated but the principles are there and it is easy to read, if you like that sort of thing (I am an unashamed geek – deal with it!).

What to do. Roughly a portion of carbs is the size of your fist. Yes that’s right small isn’t it. One portion per meal! A portion is meat is about the same size as a computer mouse, a portion of cheese is only the size of a match box. The rest should be fresh veg, cooked so that it retains its goodness; not to a uniform yellow where if you put your ear close to it you can hear crying from the last vitamin alive because it is lonely! So boring things keep you healthy: at least 5 portions of fruit and veg per day, smaller portions than you are used to, keep a food diary.

Light boxes. These are sometimes recommended for suffers of SAD. The theory behind it is that the body requires more of the right kind of light that is not always readily available during the winter months. There are dawn lights which start to brighten up the room at a set time in the morning helping sufferers get out of bed, as sleeping loads and finding it difficult to get up in the morning are symptoms of SAD. There is evidence out there that this can help. However, if it works for you, great, but it does not work for everyone. On top of that the benefits may only be slight and go unnoticed until you stop using the light box. My personal stance would be that if it’s not doing you any harm keep going, unless you really don’t want to, then stop. Simple really.

Exercise. OK I am no exercise Nazi I promise. I have been everything from a couch potato to and exercise fanatic and back to a couch potato, and all points in between. I know that when you don’t feel like it, even a slow walk around the block is a huge effort but I do know that usually after I’ve done it I feel mentally a bit better. Cardio is the key. Doing weights and stuff like that requires a lot of mental focus and motivation but dragging your sorry arse out for a 15 minute walk is do-able. Most places have classes on and going with a mate is a great way of ensuring that you at least go. If it is only one class per week that is one evening where you are not slumped in front of the tv seeing if you can really overdose on Pringles (I’ve tested that one out and I can tell you that it is NOT possible no matter how hard you try). Mix it up, keep it fun. If you don’t enjoy the exercise you won’t do it. I don’t care if it’s Zumba or pole dancing, tap dancing might be your thing…anything to get your body moving and have a laugh!

Socialisation. Strangely people find me easy to talk to and tell me their problems – it makes me good at my job. Of my friends in real life (as we say on twitter) we have an agreement that we go to each other with our problems. That old nagging feeling of ‘well everyone has a lot on their plate’ has been done away with and replaced with ‘I would be offended if they did not feel that they could come to me with their problems so I will share mine with them’. Having a network of people to turn to is a good plan, even if it’s just to get you out of yourself and away from your negative thoughts. Planning nights out, or days out is a great way of breaking up weeks and the monotony of feeling so low. It gets you involved in the world around you, gives you things to aim for.

Professional help. It is out there and available, rather than bore the pants off you even more and make this rather long blog entry longer. Please see my other post on depression. From a clinical perspective I have no worries about someone with SAD coming to see me in the winter and being discharged from my caseload in the summer.

SAD like clinical depression is way more than feeling a bit blue for a couple of days. It is a dark, deep, pit of blackness – pretty damn hellish! If you suffer from it and have been diagnosed, I suspect that this post holds no surprises for you. If you think you have these symptoms get your ass to a health care professional and stop diagnosing yourself off the internet *rolls eyes*. Try and take care of yourself, you are special even if you don’t feel like that today.

Kerry x