Thursday, April 12, 2012

To Baby, or Not To Baby...There Is No Question

This afternoon James goes in for a consultation for the big V.


We briefly mentioned this matter in a Tumblr post about a month ago (

When we were much younger we wanted children. Some of us had the sole desire to be a mother. We had it in our mind, however, if we didn't have any by the time we were a certain age, that we wouldn't. Obviously as the years crept on the age got older.

In addition, our fear of having a child born with "defects" is a very real thing, given that we don't always feel healthy with our own mental health issues, more so now than before, some days, we cannot fathom trying to be, or having to be, responsible for that of a child. When we factor one simple statistic, that after the age of 30 the likelihood of giving birth to a baby with downs syndrome (1 in 1000) starts to factor in, and after the age of 35 the rate is 1 in 400.1  While it may seem like a negligible percentage to some, our ability to raise a healthy child to the point of a functioning and mentally healthy being in the first place has to be factored in. It was a very personal (and difficult) decision. While we know there are many people with mental health issues raising children...being a child of one where it seems to have gone awry, as we us a personal perspective on our decision. And at the end those of us who have completely forgiven The Mother are those that see that in some respects they would do some of the same things...wrong. We're really not okay with that.

By the time our 30th birthday rolled around (we are now approaching our 33rd) there were only two among us that wanted children, The Other Girl, and Ivy. In our last long term relationship, that ended at the end of August 2010, there had been a lot of discussion on having children, but the man, nay, boy, we had been dating for a year and half at the time we became serious about it, was just that...a boy. 

Fortunately that year we were all becoming active in co-consciousness again, and beginning to exert ourselves, at different times, to be able to keep anything too stupid from happening. Preparation had already been under way, the first step had been going on a lower dose of birth control for a year before we were going to start trying, we were mere months away from the end of that year.

Luckily we "lost our mind instead" (again), because in losing it, we gained more of one. And now Ivy is the only one that remains who wants children, having eliminated The Other Girl from our system. Ivy cries about that we won't, but she also understands why we can't.

And then there's James.

James, being a man, a good man, a real man, is not afraid of, and has never been afraid of, talking about our future together, communication, even in the short time we have been together (we met in May 2011, but did not become a couple until the end of July of that year). Obviously he doesn't scare easily (if he did he wouldn't be dating us).

When he was younger he had wanted children badly too, but had also set in his mind an age by which he would have them, and if not, he would let that desire go. He also has surpassed that age. (he just turned 36 April 1st)

In addition to that, as some of us have aged, and others have observed, and as James has aged, we all have come realized that children just aren't that great of an idea in general. They are not a device in which to cure loneliness. They are a suck on resources, on money and time, on mental harmony. We strongly believe nobody should have children until they are at least 25, because understanding what having a child means is less clear when you are a child yourself. They are the right decision for some people, and the wrong for others...which is clear in a society whose younger generations are growing more and more...well...look at kids today. No respect, little drive...unless you are blessed with a good one. Parents don't pay enough attention to their kids, or they pay too much. We could go on and on...we have more views on this, for another day, perhaps.

And let's be honest...blessings, for some (us)...are few and far between.

We'd have a demon child, who, even if we did a good job raising would inherit our malaise for society.

We've never been the greatest at being able to remember our birth control pills (it's literally a fucking miracle we've never gotten knocked up). So, when discussion came around about us having our tubes tied (Tubal Ligation), James stepped up. Because tubal litigation is an open surgery procedure, and a vasectomy is not, he felt more comfortable "going under the knife", instead of having us do it. (also, for him it's free)

The decision wasn't as easy as it may sound, we didn't want our desires to not have children to be the reason HE decided to be the one to get cut, so we made sure to mention that in the event our relationship doesn't run the course we have discussed (many of us are a realist, this is neither his, nor our, first dog and pony show), that we didn't want to be responsible for him not having opportunity to reproduce in the future with a woman that may actually want kids.

So the decision was made. This afternoon is the first appointment. We're not sure how fast the NHS (National Health Service, Britain's healthcare system) works for this matter, but we're soon to find out.

And now...some entertaimnet from the late, great, comedian....George Carlin.

P.S. Tomorrow we should have news on a new, big and exciting relocation...or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
"Homeless" Day: 3
1. Pregnancy After 35, March of Dimes, May 2009

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