Friday, February 8, 2013


After a year and 4 months (minus the roughly 4 months last winter when we lived in the UK with James)...we can safety say, that no matter how thankful we are for The Mother and The Stepdad for letting us live in their house until we could get jobs and buy a house (and we are)...(we're moving out in 19 days) it's most definitely damaged many of us.

There's no way to explain...age doesn't change some people, things from the past, behaviours that trigger...for those who are familiar with any of this, you know what we mean. Cupboard doors have been replaced, but the same irrational overreaction to everything not being exactly how she wants it remains. Selfish and borderline, lies between her teeth.

Will we ever not crumble inside, fearful, by the sound of her raised voice...and her bizarre behaviour?

Some of us have traits...that we recognize as hers. We wither in the face of it.

Dying inside. Fragmented.

(if you're back to reading our blog again, Mother,, fuck it, just, we have to write...we know you don't like it here in these words, exposing you)


Stories from the past: how to hate your mother, hate people, hate life, and move on to doing things other people think are fucked up...(really, though, it's scattered like poison breadcrumbs through this entire blog).


  1. In only 19 days, you guys and James will be starting the next chapter of your lives. The freedom to make a mess, walk around naked, or just sit and be...all will be made sweeter by the experience of the past year and three months.


    1. 19 days...feeling like forever; but you are right.
      The problem is the atmosphere of the house right now. Everybody on edge, letting it "all hang out" so to speak.
      Tonight it was a case of her screaming that she's getting a divorce, because The Stepfather is afraid of upsetting us. (lies and overreaction from her stupid head).
      It was just fucking insane, every circumstance surrounding it; the implication that we're not allowed to express real honest emotion without retribution (and when we express our emotions, they are mild, apparently heavy in tone, and rarely involve raising our voice). We get that a lot...from...all over.

      It'll be nice just to...breath in our own space again. It's almost like a dream we had, that we've always been grasping at since we had to move back here. We'll believe it when we're living it.


  2. I love you.
    My parents have changed so much yet the idea of seeing them or even talking to them still makes me wither inside. I fear the part of me which feels as if I'll never be good enough will never believe they accept me as is.
    I do understand the triggers... however different the situation.
    Having lived with Mother in law a few times over the years, bring her home to live with us in her house scares the shit out of me. She's unpredictable, cranky, stubborn and at turns demanding and guilting. As much as I adore the land, it's going to be very hard living with her again. Those early years of marriage to her son, I was an outsider and those wounds have never fully healed.
    Bah, okay... no more rambling.
    It's a matter of days now and you can start again. I love you.