Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Under Pressure

The upcoming move is causing...stress. Or maybe it's just the expectation.

During almost the entirety of our relationship with James if feels like we've been living in this house, with The Mother, and The Stepdad. Except for the first month we spent with James (July-August '11), and the second month when he returned from England before we had to leave Canada (September-October '11), and the months in England (January - May '12), we've been here, in this house.
He feels we're not the same as we used to be; we're not the same as when he first met us, according to him.

The feeling is mutual, of course.

He's less happy, he's moody, he's angrier than we remember him being, he's unhappy.

With his job he has become a little more himself again, of course - those bits of the "old him" we see, warm our heart. But still, he is not the same easy-going type of guy we had believed him to be. The only thing that hasn't changed is his love for us.

Isn't that how relationships are though? People change.
With our particular mental health issues, we tend to shift heavily from "time-to-time" (sometimes hourly), but not really change; we really don't feel like we're any different than we have ever been since we "came out of the closet" with our DID. Honestly. Most of the time we feel pretty content, normal. Actually, more normal than two years ago, most of the time.
Sure our living situation is not ideal, and the stress and issues have made some of But we really don't feel different. We don't feel we've changed.

We've been heavy drinkers since he met us.
We've been up front, "mouthy", confrontational, when need be since he met us.
We've been sweet, kind, loving, funny, innocent, caring, when we are those of us who are those of us, since he met us.
And everything in between that makes us us.

He has expressed his hopes that once we move things will go back to "normal". We're terrified  We don't even know what that is. We don't think things are that abnormal, all things considered.

We have a variety of opinions about it, obviously. Everything ranging from "He's a sodding moody bastard, and he's the one who has changed." to "How can we change back not knowing how we've changed in the first place.", to "Let's just integrate and let the chips fall where they may" (That's the most difficult one to swallow).

Under pressure. No big thing. Right?