Paranoid

We are experiencing a bout of extreme paranoia today, once again. These feelings come in waves, they crest and peak, and make us fixate on things. The thoughts running through our head causes anxiety, makes our head pound, produces feelings of helplessness and confusion, and scare us. When we have been paranoid in the past, many times it has turned out that we were right, and so knowing this only fuels the torture we experience when we get these thoughts; and it makes us wonder if this is paranoia or something else. Is it paranoia if you are right? 


This issue is something we have always tried to combat, and these feeling come in spurts. They probably have been catalysts to the destruction of a few relationships in our life. 


Paranoia is a bitch, and for some reasons she wants us as her mistress a lot these days. We know part of the problem is that we are sharing our deepest darkest secrets within these blog pages, and some may ask if we should expected any less. We can only respond with our view that, if fear stopped people from trying to do things, then there would be nothing in this world of value. This is not to insinuate our blog has value, even though some have told us it does; there are others who have told us it doesn't.


We've discussed our paranoia with people who have experienced it, asking them how they overcame it, or overcome it each time. So far we have no answers. If there is anyone reading this entry who has been able to overcome paranoia without medication, please, we beg you....contact us. This is the only area we are not able to manage a solution to.


While not being the singular issue today; our paranoia the last few months, has been reoccurring "suspicions" that people are plotting against us. We've never even discussed this with Fabulous People...there is always so much to discuss and we talk far too much as it is. We've been "concerned", on several occasions, that co-workers are plotting against us (even though we love them all). Namely two of them. Two we can't even discuss. We know it is irrational, it's downright ridiculous - but we don't know how to stop these feelings. It makes us upset, it makes us cry; even now, as we write this. We don't like being suspicious of people we care about, people we love; people in general. A month and a half ago we were concerned about lurkers...we targeted them in blog posts....and referenced them in others


Our paranoia, this week in particular, however, is that people we know who work off-site from the place we are employed may be reading Us. While our core group of co-workers are aware of this blog, and read it, there are other "employees" who do not deal with us on a daily basis, and therefor have not been given access to this location. 


It peaked today when we discovered someone landing here, each time from the same destination within Our City. Multiple times today they set foot in our world, here, and in the linked world that is Addressing The Issue of Frank; in intervals that were alarming to us, and made no sense: Every hour, to an hour and a half - six times within an eight hour work period, we've been told. We suspect it was to read our Twitter Feed. So we have removed it from this blog. We'd rather have you follow us in Twitter, than to stop here and lurk about.


We get that people are going to read and come back, but that many times in a day? If you are in Our City and reading, we feel you probably know us; someone has given you this address - we know we've given it to a couple people not expecting them to share it; which in hindsight is stupid, considering we don't trust people. Bitch always likes to try though.


And if you do know us, you should send us a message - even if you are wrong and it turns out you don't know us; please...please...provide some comfort to our tortured mind. You likely know who YOU are, as you read this....you were here enough today, or as the case may be, yesterday. We have an e-mail address, it should be posted on our Facebook badge. We're pretty sure if you know who we are, you also know how to contact us with our real e-mail address.


A plea. From Us. This feels highly inappropriate to be posting, and it's likely that it makes us look battier than we already appear (is that possible?) - but if people are to understand what we go through, the least we can do is provide this small insight on what goes on in our mind. We don't know how to control it...and we know you're thinking "just control it"; don't you think we could, if it were that easy for US?

Distraction #2

While Frank sits here, and we edit our entries, as we tend to do most nights; you wouldn't believe some of the shit she initially writes - outrageous. You think the grammar, partial sentences, and wacky punctuation you find in here are bad, you should see the things she tries to get us to say.


Where was I going? (We find it hard to focus on anything these days...it's where structure is helpful, hard to concentrate with so much uncertainty)


So, we're listening to music, while we edit our recent entry about our two handsome men (*sigh*), AND the fuckers (yeah, that's right) who keep reading my blog even though they know they shouldn't; so if you are still reading (which, I mean, let's face it....you know you shouldn't be) then stop. You got the address through an unintended means, no doubt; and the girl who started this blog no longer exists, so...stop making me want to say mean things passive-aggressively. (Things like: F'ing "puppy" should grow up to be a big dog.) See what I mean?  That was mean.


How uncomfortable are you right now.


Wow.


Uh...maybe I should have Frank listen to some calmer music, or lay off caffeine. You want some tea Frank? We have Chai, your favorite! ...


Back to what we were listening to, (no, I don't have ADD, thanks for asking - clearly it's something else) one of my current favorite bands: Against Me!


Against Me! is an American punk rock band formed in the late 90's and their first studio record deal came to them just under 10 years ago. Frank tends to enjoy their newer stuff, our favorites tending to be some of the midrange chart toppers of the modern rock/alternative variety (in the United States); and  Canadian Top 100. Frank is still hard pressed to find people that know many of the bands she likes, chart toppers or not.


Listening to them got me thinking about their concert south of where I live, which was recently canceled { AGAINST ME! Fargo show cancellation. : Against Me} due to cold weather. (Yes, it gets that cold.)


Thinking about the cancellation made me realize a few things, because I had no clue they were going to perform that close to me (it's only about three and a half hours away!)-  I came to the conclusion that a) I am too far out of the loop [does that mean I am old? Lord, please don't say it's so] AND b) I have no concert buddies (that's what happens when you like music that everyone around you generally thinks sucks).


Not to mention Frank doesn't own wheels to get across the border anyway. I hear you can rent cars...but I think Frank is banned from renting from Hertz after multiple unpaid parking tickets in Berlin last October.


Anywho, they rescheduled for June and Frank is wondering if there will be any tickets left after refunds, if she can finagle a friend to go with her, AND...where the hell is our passport?! In the meantime, we will have to be happy with YouTube and mp3's.


And now.....AGAINST ME!


My favorite Against Me! songs!!! This one....is FaNtAstic! It makes me think of wearing leather and heels...and violence.

This is where most of you will want to stop reading...and listening.
FIRST:



Yeah, yeah... it's not "real" punk. Since when is anything "real"? Doesn't matter - it makes Frank want to dance around the living room in her black lacy bra and panties, Screaming at the top of her lung "Set the world on FIRE!"


SECOND:

Thrash Unreal by Against Me

Embedding was disabled for this song. The picture is linked to the YouTube page. This used to be Franks alarm clock until about a week ago. Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by The Animals is what Frank wakes up to these days, and before Thrash Unreal by Against Me!, there was You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones.


THIRD:

In no particular order:







Against Me! - Bamboo Bones found on Rock





There ya have it, if you made it this far...those are the highlights. Hopefully they make it to Winnipeg one day, so we can actually see their concert...seeing any concert would be nice though; I've only seen one in the past couple of years (The Flaming Lips). Frank likes to dance at concerts, and jump around a lot (barring minimal back pain, of course)


Frank is going to try to get more than 4 hours of sleep...she hasn't slept well since last Thursday/Friday when she was all but immovable. Blissfully immovable.

Lurkers

I've been slightly aware AND suspicious (or outright told) of a couple, if not several, lurkers out there in cyberspace. Those who know my true identity and also my "ghost" identity.

A slightly inebriated, but completely coherent, Frank, has to make a shout out to YOU, those lurkers of her blog.  I'd suggest a cease and desist on all followings...it's  inappropriate for many different reasons - you shouldn't be reading these private details of Franks life. Not even her "besties" read these things (but more for lack of interest....stop being interested.)

Thank you, That is all.