Saturday, January 7, 2012

Non-Memory Memory

Some of us have had this obsessive memory of a non-memory in our mind ever since the day it happened, it scares us even though we know these kinds of things have happened to us always, but we've never had clear confirmation through confrontation of it until this past summer. In reality most people shrug off other people's memory lapses, at least from our experience. Obviously "lost time" is something we are accustomed to (common in Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder), but unless you have someone close to you who immediately notices something "off", and confronts you about it, then it's likely to go unnoticed by the average person. It's what makes many symptoms of DID/MPD easy to mask, most people are not observant, and don't care.

A day this past summer, when James was visiting us (of course now he lives with us), we were hugging at the dining room table, being affectionate and touchy, ect, We were planning on leaving the apartment so we decided to go to the bedroom to change clothes. As soon as we turned away form the table to go change, apparently James slapped us on the butt. We kept walking, and just as we got to the bedroom door we turned and said "Booooo" in a disapproving manor to him, and then disappeared around the corner.

We do remember getting changed into an outfit and coming out of the bedroom, back to the table where James was sitting and waiting for us. We rubbed up against him and he acted apprehensive to touch us. Obviously confused about this we asked what was wrong.

"When I slapped you on the ass you turned and Booooed at me, you sounded upset...?" he said, looking at us questioningly, with a puzzled look on his face.

"When did you slap us on the ass?" we asked.

"Just now, when you went in the bedroom to change", he said.

We didn't believe him, we asked him what he was talking about.

He recounted the event that had just transpired, and we had no recollection of it, and after discussing it with him we still didn't know...but that day stayed in our head for months.

We've talked to James about it and he says it was a child voice, and since knowing us all he can only assume it was Bethany. 

It's not secret that Bethany is holding some of our past, memories that we can't recall...she is one of the only ones whose purpose/presence we are entirely unsure of since starting our mapping therapy, other than her being a splinter from Frank and The Other Girl at an early age; she is repressive and withholding in her memories, aside from a brief flashback this past late-summer when we had a switch mid-dream.

We're not sure why it took so long to record this memory of a non-memory, but it's been passing around to each of us and I wanted to get it out so it can stop, so we can try to stop being concerned about it.

This recounting of something we have no real memory of scares us, not because we don't know there are things we cannot recall, collectively...but because it's such a recent, and minor thing...that makes us scared about what Bethany is hiding from us...or if it should really matter. And what else the rest of us might be hiding.

James says he is scared for the day, if it happens, that Bethany is willing to share/reveal/whatever you call it, to us, the memories that she has...we can't say we're not scared, but also we don't know how much it matters. (though some therapist, somewhere, would likely say it does)


We've had a tough relationship day. We choose not to write about the things, for now, that go on in our relationship, to much day we will share more, but for now...for now it's a "kid gloves" approach...mostly because it's all very new, sensitive, and as James stated today "I didn't think it would be this hard...", of course he's talking about being in a relationship with us.

It's not easy being us, so why he thought a relationship with us would be anything less than a hard...well...who knows.

We can only hope that love can endure anything...even if some of us question it's existence.

Look at that, two blog posts today...we should get a trophy for that.

~Ivy (a sad version of me)


  1. Frankie, my Angel(s), Haven't I said many times that you're a difficult bitch? I know I'm not exactly an easy person to deal with, especially today, but I DO love you (all) and I'll continue to fight for you as hard as I can.
    As for the memories, it's OK to be scared, I'm here for you my love, always.
    I love you.

  2. WOW. I can't wait to join you on this journey!

  3. I will walk with you every step of the way xxx

  4. Frankie, I have nothing profound to say. I wish I did. One thing that you can be sure of, even if I can't find the right words, is that I will stand by you.


  5. Thank you all for the comments.