He claimed we were looking at him with an expression of contempt, that we were looking at him as though we were angry (there were other descriptors that have faded from memory over the last couple of hours). We were merely looking at him to listen, with nothing strange, that we were aware of, passing through our mind at that particular moment, or the ones preceding it. This is not an uncommon problem in our relationship.
This is disconcerting, not only because of the effect it has on James, but because of the amount of people that look intently at our face, until we lock eyes with them, when we are out in public.
What are they seeing? What are we portraying? And how do we control it. Should we control it? Why do we seem to be so... disconnected from it sometimes?
Is it a matter of the lack of a smile on our face simply indicating to people that we are angry, or displeased? That seems unfair because most people do not walk around with a smile on their face. Or is there anger in our eyes?
James has told us on more than one occasion that we can nearly cut a man down with just a look. It's not intentional 98% of the time.
We know we have never been able to hide what we are feeling with much success, and have been told that the air around us, the look on our face, no matter how much we try to hide or mask it, gives away more than we ever want. Many of us have been told this by countless people throughout our life. Is this happening without us being aware, at the moment? Is our face more in tune with our emotions than we are? Is that even possible?
This entry really turned into a butt-load of questions, but it's something we need to work on, we suppose. At least for the sake of our relationship.
Overall today ended up feeling like falling into a deep hole...with anger and sadness at the bottom.
~et al
It is hard sometimes to remember not to take things as they may appear and sometimes questions can make things more complicated, but I will try harder to work it out. I love you. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI would like to think about this entry a bit and send you an e-mail a bit later. If that is ok with you.
ReplyDeleteLicks from Minxy
My entire family seems to be afflicted with faces which, in their natural, at rest position, look angry.
ReplyDeleteMy daughters and I all hear the comments about shooting daggers from our eyes... so it may not be something directly related to your others.
While I understand James' perspective... I'll tell you both it is something which you will have to work at. It doesn't have to be as drastic as keeping a smile on your face all the time (Though I admit I do that at work sometimes to save myself the hassle)... but as James practices not reading too deeply into your expression, you can work on knowing your face a bit.
As much as I DESPISE mirrors (they bring up almost uncontrollable self-hatred) I learned to understand my own emotions and how they are displayed by seeing myself in the mirror.
My sons are both on the autistic spectrum... and I suspect a lot of the traits of DID and ASD overlap... so it's not surprising I've often felt emotionally disconnected from my facial expressions. Both boys have had to learn that what their faces show doesn't always match what's going on in their heads. So again, it's not just a DID thing.
I hope this makes at least a little sense. I'm bordering on burned out at the moment and not sure I can get my words to match my thoughts.
Try not to let yourself be discouraged. Either of you. It's beautiful to see how you are both seeking to find the middle ground.
Thank you so much, Marissa! You are always such a great support. We wish we could do more for you.
ReplyDeleteJames is definitely a trooper (*I* think), never thought we'd find someone like him.
Hope you have a relaxing weekend, at least soon, to recover from some of the burnout, and hopefully you get your tazer soon too (we read that entry). *hugs*