Monday, January 16, 2012

Playing Pretend

We're just going to go ahead and pretend, at least from now until we wake up tomorrow, then start all over again; we're going to pretend that in 3 days we will not be packing a UHaul with the last seven years of our belongings & our life, that we will not be awaiting The Mothers arrival to assist with our move, that we will not be moving into her basement...where we will not be residing while stressing about the sale of the house we own (that is in fairly poor condition due to bad tenants). We will pretend that our boyfriends ability to stay with us in the country where we are a citizen, where we will, again, be a resident will not be an issue (he is British). We are going to pretend that we are perfectly employable in a small city, that our mental illness will hold itself back, stay hidden until the new year in the event we have to locate employment to make ends meet. We will pretend that we will be able to go through with our plans to travel, write about life on the road in the United States during what we feel is a monumental time in history (nothing like it since the 1930's, really) in as many of our perspectives, and those of others, as we can...and meet people who have become dear to us on the social networking site that is known as Twitter...

We are going to pretend we are not a failure for having to move back with her (The Mother)...for the third time since we have become of adult age.

We're just going to pretend that. And drink.

I have to. The Others have marooned me, and I am not sure why, between the twins (Catherine & Cassandra) and I, we seem to be the only one who has gotten primary executive "privileges" of the body...if you can call these privileges.

This is our, this is my, entry for the night...

As always, if you are hitting our blog, on this entry, for the first time...there is likely much you won't understand from this...this blog is many works in progress, helping those likes us, people living with, sometimes struggling with, functional dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder (most people who have it do function normally, you wouldn't even know why they are)...but also a tracking system, a record, for us, so we can bring together each of our memories, learn more about each other....and then teach others...and yeah, blah blah blah...The Others have written about all the reasons we do this...I don't need to explain them all.

This all started when Frank destroyed our core, the girl (The Other Girl) who was, as far as we all understand, born into the body we share. She messed up too many times, but we are...without her, able to be ourselves. It's still been less than a year. It's still a process, currently doing without the aid of a therapist...but on Twitter we have met many who are in all stages of healing, dealing, and in some cases, those who have chose to integrate all of their personalities with the help of therapists. (It's hard to find those that deal with this disability)

It's a long story...I am not prepared to tell it today...other have tried.

We're moving back "home", to live with The Mother, in mere days...once again. It feels like my soul is being sucked out, and I wish it didn't. After that we'll finish the stories of the most recent years, so we can start fresh with the travel ones when we set out on our adventure.

In the meantime, this is me, signing off...


Other stuff we've written (highlights of the "good stuff"), about sex, food, life, employment, relationships...and more...can be found here:

Some helpful terminology imported from the public blog where we do our mapping therapy ( which is currently not being worked on due to massive life stress.


Personality Specifics:
Alter: alter states, selves, parts (a subjective term); distinct personalities; fragments alternate personality, personality state, ego state or identity with its own unique perspectives, abilities, memories or other traits that differ from the Host or Executive personality.

The Core: The original birth personality.
Host: is the alter personality who dominates the control of the body most of the time and is often unaware of the other personalities. The host is usually the alter personality who will initiate after experiencing symptoms of mental distress, such as, anxiety, triggers or recovered memories.

Executive: When a personality (alter ego) has control of the body.

Switch: To switch from one personality to another. The process of an alter coming out from the subconscious mind into the consciousness mind while the other alter (who was already in the consciousness mind) slips back into the subconscious mind.

Who's out? A common question used to determine which personality is executive or host.

Co-conscious(ness): (The Core) A state of being aware of what the other personalities are doing and saying.

Other Terms:
Acquired: Anything that is not present at birth but develops some time later. In medicine, the word "acquired" implies "new" or "added." An acquired condition is "new" in the sense that it is not genetic (inherited) and "added" in the sense that was not present at birth.

Triggers: Hysterical conversion symptoms or body memories. Physical phenomenon such as pain, smells, tastes, etc.; re-experienced again.

Dissociation: In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.

Re-live: A total memory recall (includes visual, emotional, physical and all other senses).

Losing time: Also known as a Dissociative Fugue, is the period of which an alter personality is in the subconscious mind and has no recollection of the time that is being utilized by the alter personality who is occupying the conscious mind. Therefore when the alter switches into the conscious mind they realize that minutes, hours, days, or even months and years have passed since they were last aware of time.

System: is the structure of relationships between the alter personalities who live within the internal world of a survivor with D.I.D.! Every system is created and operates in it's own unique way, just like every family living in their own homes run their households different from the next door neighbour.

Inner (Self) Helper: is usually the alter personality who has a good understanding of the system and how it works. The I.S.H. is also among the typical group of helpers or protector personalities.

Grounding: is the process of disrupting a dissociative episode and is accomplished by tugging on an earlobe, rubbing the hands together, or shuffling the feet back and forth. This type of physical stimuli can bring the survivors mind back to awareness of their surroundings, and helps to make them feel less animated.

(these terms are pulled from a wide array of sources throughout the internet and are ones we choose to use in writing, on occasion, to talk about the things that happen in our lives)

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