Thursday, December 2, 2010

Just Don't Call Me Is Apparently My Motto: Frank Dating Communication

In a time of so much technology it's hard to tell what avenues of communication are appropriate.  I, for one, am a real wack-a-nut when it comes to how I communicate, preferring anything writing based (this includes, but is not limited to: Twitter, Facebook, BBM, IM, SMS, Texting and/or E-mail, etc.), over phone conversations; and preferring face to face conversation, to phone conversations. If I'm just getting to know you then it's written communication until I feel like bumping you to the "exclusive" call list (did I mention I have unlimited everything on my phone EXCEPT airtime?)

Guess the bottom line is I don't want anyone to call me. Almost EVER. This actually extends past my dating life and into all types of my personal and business relationships. I used to talk on the phone all the time when I was young, at what point that changed I have no clue. That's introspection for another day, and another blog.  I have my theories, however.
So, when I came across Taylor Cast's recent November 28, 2010 blog entry, Phone Etiquette on The Urban Dater, I decided some amendments should be made, because I know for a fact that there are more people out there who are like me.  I have to believe this. So with her permission I re-posted her 9 guidelines to phone  etiquette when it comes to dating. 
1. DO NOT ask a woman out via text. “R U busy on Fri? Let’s hang out.” Is not the proper way to ask a woman out. What are you in 8th grade? Pick up the phone & call. Also, using text speak, aka LOL or R U is juvenile knock it off.
I actually prefer this.  You know why? It's easier to say "no" via text then over the phone.  Over the phone leads to any number of questions that are potentially uncomfortable to explain.  But if you are not a chicken shit like me, then you probably wouldn't mind taking a call, rather than receiving a text.
I agree with Taylor on the "text speak", don't be f'n lazy. Except LOL, that one gets a pass with me.
2. DO call just to talk. If you’re too lazy or you’re not a phone person too bad. I’m not a phone person, I despise talking on the phone how ever I find when I really like someone it’s effortless to talk with them on the phone. I remember the phone conversations that lasted hours hours were with the men I got along with best.
Basically, I'll tell you if I want you to call me or if I'll accept your call. I have actually been texting with a man and had him try to call me and I wouldn't answer the phone but continued texting with him.  For some reason they put up with this behavior. 
Of course once I really like them I'll talk on the phone with them, especially if they are good conversationalist.  I hate feeling like I am the only one saying stuff. My closest friends I accept calls from, but even then I don't always answer the phone, but I'll send them a text.
Starting to think I am crazy yet? 
3. DO NOT send the wrong text. If you are dating more than one person double check the recipient before hitting send. My room mate & I have both received texts from men we were seeing that were clearly not meant for us. If you’re going to juggle multiple dates be talented at it.
100% agreed. As both a victim and a culprit. This extends to chatting as well.  Guess that's one perk to phone calls: you know who you are talking to! 
4. DO leave your phone in the car on a date. It’s only a few hours you can be separated from it. If you must must have it on you please set it to silent. Nothing is more annoying or rude than the constantly sending of texts or calls while you’re on a date.
Okay, I have to disagree with this a bit.  There has been situations where I was saved from sheer boredom only because I had my cell phone with me.  I kid you not, a date I recently had involved sitting around with my date and three other guys, watching hockey and listening to them play war games on a Wii.  
Know what I did during this, so I didn't have to watch, only listen? Sent highly inappropriate and dirty text messages to a highly inappropriate recipient.  
I suppose if you're gonna bring a grown woman on that kind of "date" you don't deserve her full attention anyway; always remember, somebody does deserve it.
5. DO NOT take calls or text during a dinner date. Look I get it I am always working, my phone is rarely ever off. How ever be discreet, there is a time & place for every thing. Taking your phone out in the middle of dinner sends a clear state ment, “You are not my main focus.” It’s rude. The person on the date is thinking “Thanks for letting me know that I am not important enough for you to take a few hour break from your phone.” Here is a tip, wait until your date is in the bathroom.
I'd say the only exceptions are doctors, and firemen, and the like.  Though I do bring my phone if it's a day date or a coffee date.   My opinion is you can read your messages but don't respond to them unless it's important or an emergency.
6. DO call when you say you will. Ok men, I can’t even tell you how many times a man has said “I’ll call you.” “I’ll call you later.” “I’ll call you at 7 when I get home.” and then never called. Why do you say it? There is no need. If you can’t keep your word for some thing as simple as a call then obviously you can’t be counted on for the big things. Just eliminate the phrase from your vernacular & every body wins!
Yes, yes, 100 times YES.  If you say you are going to do anything, then do it.  You are being graded, whether any of us realize it or not.
7. DO NOT ask for explicit picture text messages. Some where some woman said yes to sending a naked picture of her self via text to a man she only just started dating. Thus a precedent was set for men to ask for this. Obviously this is a case by case situation if you’re a relationshipy place then it’s going to be different & based on trust. But asking for sexy picture text messages when you’ve only been out a couple times is a deal breaker.
Same goes for video messages.  Two words: You Tube. (or depending on your explicitness/raunch, Red Tube - seriously, it's a website.  Google it.  But only if you are over 18; if you are under 18 don't worry about it, it won't interest you, it's pictures of kitties and puppies and other fluffy animals)
8. DO send sweet thoughtful text messages. A simple “Good morning” text can go a long way. It shows you’re the first thing on your significant other’s mind. Extra points if you call.
Love the morning text. Find it even funnier when it comes on a weekday at about 10am, and I know the person actually just got up. I also like the "goodnight" text, unless it comes at an hour you know is inappropriate for texting me (that means anytime after 10pm on a work night)
Points lost for morning calls. Actually, points lost for any calls period.
9. DO NOT break up via text. If you don’t want to date someone have the balls to make the call or tell them in person. Personally I think if you’ve only gone out a maximum of two times it’s okay to let some one know you aren’t feeling via text. How ever any more than that warrants a phone call. And if there is a girlfriend/boyfriend title involved then you have to end it face to face.
This is sketchy territory for me.  I've done the 'not responding to any form of communication, including blocking them from chatting with me, after one date' thing.   And with The Plumber, well, I told him that perhaps he should stop texting me now, after a final night of texts that came way to late in the night, where he professed his love and graphically explained some of the things he liked best about me. Done and done. 
As far as calling to tell me you don't like me?  Don't do that.  Text me, unless you are my boyfriend.  If you are my boyfriend then you are required to endure embarrassing and painful situations until the bitter end. Yeah, if you're a stranger apparently I'll let you spare my feelings a little, thereby reducing YOUR discomfort. If I care for you it's all pain, all the time, for both of us.
Original List re-posted with permission from Taylor Cast
writer for The Urban Dater. A Blog About Sex, Dating & Relationship. 
Well, there you have it.  My personal re-vision of Taylor Cast's blog entry.  I hope this provides a small bridge between "phone-friendly" daters and their "phone-phobia" counterparts.

Look at me, two blogs in one day!  A thank you to Taylor Cast for the permission, you should all check out her blog, and The Urban Dater in general. It's a fun place to visit.  

[and thank you, my supportive Cali friend, for all the encouragement :)]


  1. Wow that is some straight front opinion right there and although I do not know you that much when reading this post I could feel your energy and If I can read and feel you via written words then that is real communication right there.

    So if you feel comfi with chatting than calling then go on with that after all you are the only one who can define you life.

    Thanks again for this please of work it was really interesting going through your own way of looking at things for letting us in your mind.

  2. I am the same way - I HATE talking on the phone. I work a lot, have evening meetings and a long commute. By the time I get home I just don't want to talk on the phone. I want some me time haha (Gee, and I'm single why??) I love getting random texts or BBM's from guys though. The "good morning" ones or "hope you're having a great day" ones get bonus points lol.
    Also, how great is BBM? You don't even have to give out your phone number. Love it :)

  3. Good blog, I was wowed when I seen that I had alot of catching up to do "reading your blogs"

    So uhm, if you have UNLIMITED, why don't I have your BBM pin? hmmm? after all, I am your PHOTOGRAPHER??? lol

  4. Dearest Photographer, you have something even better than my BBM pin ... my actual phone number:) (BBM is my least favourite)