We are one, We are many, We are Just Call Me Frank.
Candid, adjudicating, philosophy wielding, life journaling, mental health advocating, writing and art therapy enthusiasts, lovers of learning; adventurers with a finger on all the buttons.
Writing to survive and thrive.
Fresh off the adio presses, our second interview with The Nothing But Show was last night...yep. And it was LIVE. If @Onezees (formerly @VagabondRoyalty) from @Nothing But Showhad told us when they initially asked us we may have changed our mind...but...well...here it is.
The pre-interview mention that starts at time mark 6:46 at this audio link: Our Second Interview with NBSfollowed by...well...they were probably in the parking lot...then some girl with a cute voice talking about music...then back to stuff about us at time mark 46:56. Some comments to what they said mostly because James cringed at the "pre-interview" point, and we don't want people to be confused right off the hop.
First, our disorder is NOT a disease. It's a mental illness. Some days it's hell, some days it's hard, some days are better than others, just like it is for anyone dealing with mental illness. We just don't take medication for it because there really isn't any for the base disorder (more information on that in a semi-recent entry: Treating and Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder).
Second, we did have a boyfriend at the time of the last interview...we've been with James for just over six months, though we started seeing him on Skype before we met and started dating. (Check back Tuesday when we post the Valentine's Day story that will be posted Monday on Single Mom's Dating Diary, requested by @singlemomdate, the woman who introduced us to James/The Boyfriend)
Third, we are TEN that we know of, nine females and a male...but our "good friends" probably had a little too much to smoke in the parking lot before the interview to remember the right number. Frank is one of us, but also the name we all go by, but we prefer "Frankie".
Into the interview, not sure why we went off about the journal from Amsterdam because, well, we were too high (on weed) to journal the whole time we were there. Though the Germany and Egypt stuff is probably worth a read...
The guys (and girls) at Nothing But Show are awesome.
Hey, we sounded like we knew what we were talking about and shit! Woot!
(P.S. this serves as our Monday post, unless we feel compelled by something...hey, it's almost Monday here.)
As our regular readers know we have a couple guest bloggers here, who often share their view on things (and on that note, we're always looking for more guest blogger), and sometimes, as with Kerry Stott, their professional medical advice, her blog post submissions on topics such as Suicide, Anxiety, and more, can be found near the bottom of our "special" archives page: http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/p/our-recommendations-weeded-from.html under 'Guest Bloggers'.
But today we have a new-ish guest blogger...
We met Jake on Twitter, he's been a follower for awhile. He's even had us on his Podcast, The Nothing But Show "recently" (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/08/our-podcast-interview-with-nothing-but.html) - this is his second guest blog entry with us. Read what he has to say about making choices, and his general view on taking control of life, from his personal example. Our favorite line comes from the last paragraph "I guess in the end, my legacy will be whatever I make it." and made us laugh because we received and read this post just as we were writing our post yesterday about a film review (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/11/adjustment-bureau-film-review.html) that touched on the subject of creating, or changing, your own destiny.
And now...Jake...
So it's been quite a while since I have written. I felt that doing the podcast was enough of an outlet. I guess maybe I'm finding that I was wrong. Dead wrong. Just like Biggie. I've been flirting with the grey areas in my mind. The dark side if you will. Not in my marriage though, I'm good there. No issues with that at all really except sometimes I wish I could do more. I just find myself becoming driven to a point where it's hard to pull the parachute and slow down. And there's no such thing as easing off after a certain time. All I can do after that point is watch the crash and burn from a front row seat. I mean this in relation to others thoughts and feelings. As I've talked before in decent detail about my 'hyper-vigilance' affliction, I sometimes get to a point where I'm so up in my head that I drift away from the connection I have with those around me, and my desires and ideas become all I see after a while. I'm no where near that at all right now in my life, but I'm seeing very faint signs. It's like one of those storm chasers on the Discovery channel or whatever. I normally see the storm and have either aimed straight for it, or gave it a good goddamn glancing blow. Well, this time is truly different. I'm very happy in my life. I think in the past, my moods and feelings have been in charge of steering my hurricane survival mobile, and in this case I guess they still are. Except this time they're positive feelings instead of negativity. Sorry about the storm analogy. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe all of this 'doing it right this time' shit is just because I'm getting older and finally learning. I mean, I'd like to think so. But part of me feels like this has been in me all along, and I've known better. I just never had the fortitude to stick to it and live it. For example, these whim decisions that I've been known to make, as some people call them, aren't really whims to me most of the time. Honest. Once again, the Hyper-Vigilance (HV) comes into play. I feel like I have thought out a scenario 5 times to your one most of time. And to be honest, most of the time I have. I just don't always have an accurate weight prediction of consequence. I never have. I always have dreamed huge, and in return consequence has always been justified in my mind as collateral damage I think. Wow, I literally just made a revelation. I never said that statement, or wrote it down for that matter. I just figured it out for myself just now. Hey, that's huge for me.
I'm driven right now to make my show as big as I can make it, while still maintaining control of the content that we put out. And by in control, I mean that us partners in the endeavor. Not just me. I want to do this shit for a living. I want to put my thoughts, ideas, and words out there and have them entertain people. I don't have to be rich. I really don't. I know some mufuckas say that and then go all Kanye on you once they make a few dollars but I'm serious. I just want to make a living enough to send my kid to school, and not worry about needing anything that is a necessity in life. That's really all I ever ask for. I feel like we really have something that in time can be huge. I know we're fairly new, and we have to fine tune our shtick so to speak, but we really are on to something.
In the past, I have been extremely selfish with decisions, and with bands I've been in I've really acted like more of a dictator than a partner or friend. Granted, all of these projects, including this one, I have started. I have normally always been the initiator due once again to the HV. I have to be doing something creative in my life in order to feel balanced out. If I keep all my thoughts to myself I think I'd implode. I don't know if that's good or bad or both. Probably both. But I have had to realize the hard way, and through ruined and wounded friendships discover how to not make the same mistakes in future situations. I have always used the 'I started this shit' excuse as a reason to do whatever I want, and for the most part it has been justified. I also realize that just because actions are justified it doesn't make them the correct way to go about things. That has been one of the hardest things I have had to learn in my life. This time around, with this project/show/endeavor, I have included my cohorts every step of the way. I mean, the way I look at it now, all these people have helped me make the content what it is. I couldn't have done all this myself. I have to remind myself of that at times. Now, make no mistake, while the people involved in the show are proud of being on it, and proud of doing their part to contribute to it, I do the majority of the booking, planning, editing, website work, promotion, etc. But here's the thing. I realize now that I'd be doing it anyway. That's the beauty of it all. I know now that this is just built into me, and I have to do it. Even if everyone had split up tasks to perform 'equally' for the show, I know that my mind would always be wanting to have a hand in it anyway so I might as well do it, and ask for opinions along the way. So far it works, and as long as I include my friends, co-host, contributors, and colleagues along the way, I should be fine I think. So far it's working for the most part. And right now I'm very happy in my life. Now I realize that having my mind be a part of every aspect of the show is a very keen look into the issues that I have with people but I don't have enough time and finger muscle to type about that shit today. I'm ok with it right now just know that.It ends up working to my benefit more times than not as long as I do it this way.
I guess in the end, my legacy will be whatever I make it. And as corny and contrived as that sounds, it's true. I know I won't always be positive, and I'll have low moments. I just have to remember to weather those and not take people for granted. We're really all kind of stuck on this giant ball of molten rock and metal we call a planet together. Thanks for reading,
Jake, @Onezees, The Vagabond King, or whatever else you'd like to call me.
Just send us an e-mail at justcallmefrank2010 @ gmail.com (take out the spaces, of course, they are only there to prevent being spammed) we prefer mental health topics, but are open to ideas.
As mentioned at the end of our blog post from today (Doing Freedom Right, Our 9/11 Post), we have a new guest blogger. We're not sure if this is a one off, or not...but we hope he comes back and writes some more.
We liked his piece for a variety of reasons, we hope you like it too.
---so here you have it---a new guest blogger---take it away, Jake!
How To Tie A Noose With Words
OK, that was the cheap tactic to get to you to read further into the story. Hopefully it worked, and the hook is set. I need to preface this whole post with a disclaimer: I really am going to try and put this into ordered thoughts, and structured ideas, but sometimes when I get on a roll, I just don't stop, and sometimes don't make as much sense. I'm like the Tarantino of writing, except mine is mostly manusha. I know I've said that before, but I kinda feel like there's some truth, and a ring to it. On second thought, I'm a complete moron. Tarantino is the Tarantino of writing. I forgot he writes that shit too, not just directs it. So is my point that I'm just a 99 cent store version of the great storyteller himself? Yes it is.
I decided that since I had stopped writing my blog, although not consciously and on purpose, I would write a piece for Frankie, since they said i could. Most of my opinions these days are poured out through the ether via a microphone and streamed into your earbuds. I felt it might be good to knock the dust off the last couple months worth of buildup on my "skills" if you will. I did, however, take some parts of this post from a previous one on my blog. No one reads that anyway. Not like this crowd. So if, by the laws of probability, you happened to be of the small percentage that may have come across some of these words arranged in this order before, I apologize. Deal with it.
I had the pleasure, along with my co-horts on The Nothing But Show, of talking to Frankie at some length. almost thirty minutes of length if I remember correctly. It was an experience I have never had before, and look forward to having again. Almost like the first time I stole a candy bar, or a rodents virginity, it was a rush I hadn't felt before. I do realize that Frankie enjoys hearing of mental issues and the viewing of the world through other, perhaps fragmented-as-well personalities. Such as my own.
I suffer from Hyper-Vigilance. And by "I suffer", I mean that everyone that is in my life suffers from it way more than I do. I also must state that I don't think Hyper-Vigilance is a real disorder. I think I'm just tuned into a couple more different stations at once than most people are. This post is about feelings. I don't mean the mushy, sloppy stuff that no guy likes talking about unless he marches in that certain West Hollywood parade once a year. This is more about the lack of feelings that I tend to have and display, and the arrival at the void of those feelings.
First off, I have to say that I steal the description from the great Adam Carolla. He describes his attention to the details of life that most people miss as "Hyper-Vigilance." I genuinely feel that I have something very akin to that same "affliction". On a side note, I can barely type the word "affliction" without thinking of those really gay shiny t-shirts that Affliction clothing makes. but anyway, I believe it was Dr. Drew that coined the phrase Hyper-Vigilance, or it could be very real and I'm just an idiot that doesn't do research, but for all intents and purposes, I stole it. I say that Adam and I "suffer" from almost the same thing, but I don't have the pleasure of knowing the man, so I can only speak for myself. Here's how it relates to me: I've never taken the time to look up the definition of the word. In fact, I never knew it was even a real word until I googled it a moment ago as I write this post. Not that wikipedia is that reliable, but Dictionary.com had basically the same description, so this is the one from Wikipedia: (Maybe it is real after all)
Hypervigilance,is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli and a constant scanning of the environment for threats.[1][2] Hypervigilance can be a symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder[3] and various types of anxiety disorder. It is distinguished from paranoia. Paranoid states, such as those in schizophrenia can seem superficially similar, but are characteristically different.
Now, after reading that, it seems that it is usually attributed to victims of PTSD. I can't speak for Adam Carolla, but the only shrapnel I took in 'Nam was playing Call Of Duty online. All joking aside, I do realize that there are many ways to endure traumatic stress other than war, but if Hypervigilance is truly what I have, I guess my childhood would be the place to start. I don't know if the condition is something that can be learned, instead of something directly attributed to personal experience, but I definitely think I have it. The source of me attaining such otherworldly powers would have to be my childhood. Now, I must state that overall, I don't think I endured much more of an abnormal childhood than most kids. Then again, what is a normal childhood? That my friends, is a question for another day. As for how I arrived at this superhuman enigma is kind of beyond me. But then again Superman didn't know much about his beginnings either, except some ice cave, and a green planet, but I digress. In my case, I don't think that my attention to things comes from any trauma. I honestly don't. I have really, truly, always been this way.
From as far back as I can really remember, I've always felt aware of almost everything. I mean I see things that I think 99% of people don't see at any given time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not psychic or clairvoyant, I just see what I consider to be "common sense" type things happening all around me, and I don't know why other people don't. Half of what I say here today is in jest, and half is serious. I guess it's up to you as the reader to determine where the line is, or if it blurs excessively right off the bat, but here goes:
I live day to day, and "in the moment" as much as the next person, but the difference is that I always have this antenna that picks up a certain frequency in my head. This frequency is nothing but a running commentary on everything my subconscious is taking in. For example, while waiting to to turn left at a signal, this is about how a typical 4-5 second action on my part yields so much more going on in my head. From the color of the shirt on the lady crossing the street, and how it looks like a shirt my mom used to own when I was a kid, to the dog shes walking, and the limp it has and where it could have gotten it. Then there's the car in front of me, and his license plate frame bearing a really shitty play on words, an inside joke, or the dealership where he bought his car. If it's somewhere out of town, I think about that town for a split second, and if I've been there before etc. A cop car enters the intersection next to me as I wait to turn and a flood of thoughts about police, laws, government, social injustice and attitude occupy a portion of my thoughts for another split second. There's a myriad of combinations of events that transpire in my head in any typical 4-5 second event like that. And, I can do all of that while texting, talking to my wife or passenger, and sometimes all of the above. And I have a perfect driving record. I'm not that guy doing 60 in the left lane because he's talking to his friend about the pictionary tournament they had the night before and how he almost guessed "dog" if the tail had been a little longer.
What I'm saying is I am fucked aren't I? This "condition" feels like a curse. It doesn't stem directly from narcissism, but I would be lying if I didn't say there wasn't an element of it to my plight. However, I am not Spencer Pratt. I don't think I'm better than everyone. I know I am. OK, little joke there sorry. to be serious though, I think it would be impossible to not feel slightly narcissistic when think about this stuff. I realize I'm not the only person who thinks of more than one thing at a time, but I am definitely the only person I have known in my life who has it this bad. Carolla is better at explaining his situation and making it funny, but I relate very closely to his description. It's not as cut and dry as me feeling like I'm "better" than other people, as the traditional definition of narcissism suggests. I do feel like that sometimes, I won't lie, but not that often. It just seems to me that the small daily decisions that a lot of people agonize and seem to labor over, almost make themselves automatically in my mind.
I'm sure than being an Atheist and having no real "belief" about our whole existence and future has something to do with it. In fact, I'm sure that my outlook on a lot of things has a direct correlation with me not "wasting time" dwelling on those things that seem to take up 75% of everyone else's day. The thoughts that are constantly floating around in my brain soup are pretty serious thoughts, and on a 24/7/365 basis. I CANT TURN IT OFF. I think about things like the Gashole documentary. I wrote a whole previous post on it so I won't go into it again, but I constantly think about that stuff, and the stuff that makes up 99% of our daily lives that just distracts us from what's really going on. I think about how all of our social arguments, and almost every second of news on CNN or your favorite fill-in-the-blank channel is completely pointless when our world operates on this kind of level behind the scenes. After watching and dwelling on that, I cannot help but just laugh out loud when someone complains about not wanting to buy something over the phone with their credit card. It just doesn't matter! I try not to be negative, but I almost feel like just being realistic these days is being negative. These are the things that are on my mind all day, every day. And people wonder why I smoke so much weed. I would probably feel like the unfunny version of Mel Gibson in What Women Want if I didn't.
To avoid rambling on about every thought that pops into my head on this subject, I'll wrap it up. The most important/scary/rewarding/important again part of this whole thing is how it effects emotion. Most all of my reactions to things are very visceral and raw, knee-jerk type reactions to things, and usually reflect my honest, unbiased opinion on the subject. Most of the time that scares people. But the strangest side-effect, if you will, of this whole thing is my ability to knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly have no emotion. Or, I will have so much disdain for people putting emotion into something my brain has deemed unimportant, that I will almost get angry at them. And sometimes, not almost, I do. It's easy to write it off as narcissism, and say that it's just because I want people to think the way I do, but it's not that simple. I don't even fully know where it comes from, but it's not nearly as much narcissism as you might expect it to be. My avoidance of so many topics that would fill a normal discussion table is just because almost all of those subjects, no matter what they are most of the time, are shit. My lack of interest, or that fact that I have already thought about it, weighed it out, and made a decision on the topic in my mind before you even finished your thought, is often received as apathy. And I guess for lack of a better explanation, it is. This "ability" to turn off emotion, or just to be void of it for most intents and purposes, is a skill/curse I have yet to master. I have to learn when to try and wield it for good, instead of letting it lead me down the path where I can end up hurting people that just don't truly understand where I'm coming from. I realize now re-reading this, that I have probably asked more questions of myself and my readers than I have answered. For that, I don't know what to say except this is the war that goes on inside my head. I can only feel sorry for my partners in crime on the podcast. You see, on top of this Hyper-Vigilance, I also was raised with a fair amount of stubbornness, and desire to do things my way. This has led to problems in the past with bands I have been in. I have always been the only one "doing the work" it seemed. I made the phone calls, booked the tours, bought the tour van, wrote the songs, bought the equipment, etc. I later realized that although I was the only one with the money to buy things at that time, part of the reason that people didn't do anything to help (it seemed) was because I was too vigilant on getting it done first, and without realizing that, I caused a lot of problems.
I have since come such a long way from those days in realizing the company I keep, and recognizing my own issues with just constantly having a part of my brain "turned on". I swear people, even my sleep patterns are fucked up by thought. I can only say now that I'm older. Although that really only means that I don't know nearly anything that I thought I did before. But I do know that I have a desire to get my thoughts out there somehow. If I don't I think I'll literally implode one day from the pressure. I have made a lot of new friends in my life over the past few years since the band days, and I feel that I'm a much better friend to them than I could have been in the past, and I'm much more aware of what makes me tick now. It's all part of growing up.
You should tune in sometime, and hear my friends and I talk about whatever we want. It's cathartic for me, and hopefully entertaining for you. There's even an episode with Frankie on there. Episode 6 I believe. Tune in and hear my ramblings and barely coherent thoughts, and those of my co-hosts. but for now, just know that I know how crazy I am. And welcome to the front lines. Please pull up a chair, and don't forget to tip your waitress. Enjoy the show.
[How we feel about...we sounds like an idiot...but it's okay, because we kinda are sometimes]
If you have any questions for us feel free to come back to THIS blog post and ask it in the comment section, please do not ask on Twitter - 140 characters is hardly enough for us to ever answer a question properly.
[A note about our comment on medication - we also meant to mention we don't take medication because there is no medication that cures, or treats, multiple personality disorder - only medications for the symptoms, such as depression and social anxiety disorder]
Anyway, you listen to that. We're going to spend the day with the boyfriend (James), it's his very last day here, tomorrow morning we will kiss him goodbye and go to work, when we get home...he'll be on a plane.
Yes. We're going to be a guest on Nothing But Show [http://www.nothingbutshow.com/#!]. The interview is tomorrow night, but we're not sure when it is going to be aired (it better NOT be live *whimper*) - but just a heads up, as far as we know they will be asking questions about our mental illness, our writing, and stuff like that.
So, we're nervous as fuck about this (sorry, beware, of scattered Twitter language being used).
We're not sure how we feel about being interviewed - most of the time we dislike our voice, probably because sometimes we don't recognize it as "our" own (read, "my" own when the person hearing it hears it - that probably makes no sense if you're new to this blog and haven't bothered to read the banner at the top to find out what kind of blog this actually is....believe it or not, it happens).
We're also nervous because other than one little video we posted on our Tumblr where we were talking to and recording James when he was drunk and cleaning up broken glass in the kitchen...nobody on Twitter has ever heard us, or seen us in entirely. They say we sound "sweet"...which pisses me off, we're not sweet. Okay, a couple of us are, but we get pissed when they act sweet.
Thank goodness it's only a radio interview, we'd shit if we'd agreed to some sort of interview where people would have to see our face (take that back, Catherine would make us jump off of a bridge)...it's bad enough we've been showing as much of us as we have since James got here, he's been Tumblring pictures of us, which is fine, as long as he is here. It's sad, we're tough girls, we've overcome crazy shit...but all of a sudden he has become our protector, our bodyguard - not to worry though, we're not dependent souls...we'll be fine, and once we get used to going back to being alone again, we'll be fine.
Back to the interview...yeah...a radio interview. How bizarre. So, what if we're not funny? What if we say something stupid? We're not the eloquent speakers some might assume from our writing, ever since our car accident sometime words don't come out of our mouth as well as they used to.
Anyway. Just wanted to write a little about how we're feeling ... hopefully we do a good job for the Nothing But Show [http://www.nothingbutshow.com/#!] guys.
