Standby and The Death of The Other Girl: Part 1 of 3

We have heard from Standby (the last ex of The Other Girl) again.

After a few correspondences, and him wanting answers, we told him he knew where to find them. 

"You know as well as I do that you don't want me reading that blog, Frank" he texted to us. Which made us angry because Frank was not here that day, and in fact, has not been around much these past few days.

We’re apprehensive to write about Standby much, especially after he said, “Not reading what you've written about me and your past friends has allowed me to defend you on several occasion, to the people you've hurt with it”

But we feel we must, it's the perfect beginning to starting to tell the story of the death of The Other Girl, and we have some things we want to set straight.

First, we want to address that the only thing that may have been hurtful was a single post about The Non-Bestie (TNB), The Other Girl’s best friend – the post was actually about how hard it had been for The Other Girl, and the reasons she had for not sharing any of Us with her friend(s).

Second, we’ve written about Standby himself, which we know has not been kind on many levels; we’ll get to that in a bit. 

We have no idea to whom he is referring; who these people we have supposedly hurt with our writing, besides him…and possibly The Non-Besti (TNB)...are – we have no clue. There are no entries regarding any people who he might have contact with that might seek answers from him. (For instance, Third Date Flunky – or any of the other men that The Other Girl wrote about last year – he does not know any of them). There are no entries written about ANY of The Other Girl's old friends…so we’re confused about who he is defending us to.

Third, we wanted to point out a curiosity. How can he be defending us if he is not reading this blog, having no information to back up any claims? He does not know what has happened, who we are, what we've been through in the past two and a half months, nothing.

We are stumped.

To get back to why the contact was initiated in the first place – because he should NOT be contacting us - you’ll have to read Cassandra’s blog entry from Saturday, regarding a mutual friend who was mentally ill…who, as it turns out, we now know, took her own life recently. (‘We Have Nothing To Lose’  http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/04/we-have-nothing-to-lose.html)

He had sent us a text Monday, two days after the first message about the woman, inquiring about the relocation of some items that The Other Girl had been storing in his garage, asking if he could pick up two CD’s of his that we still have in our possession; and asking if we had received the e-mail regarding this woman.

Obviously the answer to the question about the CD’s was “no”, because we don’t want to see him ever again. We also told him we’d be taking back a computer monitor The Other Girl had given him; we never would have given it to him – we told her when she did it that she would regret it, because we wanted it. We’ll be honest, some of what we said to him in reply to his messages was angry.

“I was under the impression that the monitor was given to me” he texted.

“We were under the impression that you weren’t an asshole. Guess everyone makes a mistake”, we replied.

He was angry about that. Asking why we are still holding on to the anger, after kicking him out of our life; and how can we still think he is an asshole, saying he felt he has served his penance. He also said that “to the end of my days I doubt I’ll be able to understand how you could be so hurtful just because we were unable to understand what you were going through”.

Hurtful? We could have been more hurtful than simply cutting people out of our life, and considering the things he had said to us…we did a pretty good job of NOT being hurtful to him.

Standby claimed that his purpose in sending us the message about this woman was to not make us sad, but was sent because he worries about us “going down the same path”; or more specifically we suppose, because he doesn’t know about anything within the pages of this blog, is worried about Frank and The Other Girl ending their life. He doesn’t have any understanding that The Other Girl is gone.

How does he not know she is gone and how can we think he’s a fucking asshole?

There were three events that had happened the last full day of The Other Girl’s life. We won’t go into detail about the other two at this point. The day she found out he’d read her blog, despite her telling him not to, was a catalyst in her death, and looked something like this.

The Other Girl was at work, it was Friday, February 11^th, 2011, and she was in her office working when she got a text from Standby.

We’ve imported part of the original post, in two sections, from: The "Death" of Standby and the "Birth" of a Villain, originally posted on Sunday, February 20^th, 2011 - http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/02/death-of-standby-and-birth-of-villain.html - Frank wrote about the events over a week after we disposed of The Other Girl. That first week without her had been very difficult for all of us, and some of us grieved her loss for even longer.

The first entry:

“In any case, the event that set off the following chain of messages was a text confession that The Villain (formerly Standby) messaged telling us he had broken a promise, and had read our blog.  Clearly he wasn’t happy with what he read; I don’t blame him, but I was being honest.  And I was being honest with him all along, she tried to tell him on more than one occasion - but she was scared.

And now, I present to you…the transcript of the death of Standby.

FRANK:
“I am sorry if I am the reason you are feeling ill. I’d feel ill if I were you and reading that too…
I told you I am crazy
You didn’t believe me
I’m battling myself right now
I haven’t been able to tell anyone anything
I am sorry
For everything. All of me is sorry
I won’t be seeing you for awhile”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:
“That’s going to hurt, not seeing you
I am sorry too”

FRANK:
“There is nothing I can do to fix this. I am not well. I haven’t been. I don’t know what to do.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“Why don’t you want to see me though?
there is always something we can do to fix this.”

FRANK:

“Please don’t text me again. I am not well. You’ve already seen enough of my crazy. Everybody has at this point.

Leave me alone.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:
“No. You’ll always mean a lot to me and I’m willing to give you some space, but I won’t leave you alone. I’m sorry this isn’t going to work out for us, but I wrote on FB, all I want is my friend [our former name] back.”

FRANK:

“She not here anymore” [note: what Frank meant is she wasn’t present at that moment. Frank had briefly taken over The Body because The Other Girl was in so much pain]

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

 “I don’t believe that and never will. The [our former name] that I love is in there somewhere and very close at that. You can get rid of Frank easier than you think.”

FRANK:

“Leave me alone”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“Never [our former name]”

FRANK:

“You are making me angry. Please.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“Ok. You know where I stand and how I feel about our friendship so contact me when you’re ready.”

When Frank was done with her correspondence with Standby she left The Other Girl to read the messages in her office.

The Other Girl let out a scream. She slammed her door shut, with her bosses (one of which, is FNA/The Jeans, if you hadn’t ever put the pieces together – we’ll explain why they were the same person with two names another day) standing outside the door. The Other Girl screamed, she screamed really loud. She screamed, “Fuck my life!” She cried; she kicked walls; she kicked a refrigerator and cupboards that were in her office. She crouched to her knees on the dirty floor, sobbing. She continued to yell, cry, kick, and scream. She was out of control with anger, sadness and fear, she was upset that the man she loved had broken a promise. She never wanted him to know about Frank, to read Frank’s writing. She was also upset because she knew she had lost him forever.

Frank stepped in, whipped open the door, yelled to FNA, “Drinks! Let’s go for drinks!” Frank closed the door, let The Other Girl cry a bit longer, cleaned us up, and headed out.

Wild eyed, radiating anger, we stormed down the street with FNA in tow, gesturing madly, unleashing everything, the story of what had just happened tumbling from our mouth, talking about other events of the day, mixed with news that The Mother was cancelling her trip to come see us. Had he not been there that day we would have been hit by a car, we were unable to see anything beyond the storm brewing. Our head was a hurricane of fragments spinning out of control. Our eyes that day felt like wild fire.

This event was in the center of two big painful events that had happened to The Other Girl that day, neither of which, surprisingly, was The Mother cancelling her visit. (which later she rescheduled after talking with us)

The following day, or even that night; at this point that weekend tends to be blurrier to some of us, Frank has more clarity on it…The Other Girl received this text in the midst of our work to destroy her:

"Frank, my knowing what TOG went through isn`t going to help bring her back. You`ve made it very clear that you`re not going to let her come back anyway. It`s also not going to make you make any smart decisions about your life, and it certainly isn`t going to make you a decent, or even a nicer, human being. So there goes my friend. Good luck to you. If you so chose, you can tell her that I`m sorry and that if she ever comes back, I`ll be happy to hear from her. I don`t need to hear from Frank anymore. I recognise that you only exist because of what TOG gone through, but I really don`t care. You`re mean...to everyone. I guaratee things with FNA aren`t going to work out and if you don`t change, you`re going to be alone forever, because you go out of your way to kill the soul of everyone who comes near you. Starting with TOG"

[Original posting: February 17, 2011 : http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/02/to-human-if-indeed-thats-what-you-are.html ]

The highlighted portions are the parts that ring through our head, to this day, a mere two and a half months later. We still remember the pain The Other Girl felt when she read them, in the midst of our destruction of her, words that enraged Frank, and some of the rest of us, as The Other Girl lay curled on the kitchen floor, screaming for her life, gasping for air long enough to call Fabulous People, asking them to come over; because she was afraid the neighbours were going to call the cops from all the screaming and high pitched squealing.

[Second Entry of The "Death" of Standby and the "Birth" of a Villain, originally posted on Sunday, February 20^th, 2011 - http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/02/death-of-standby-and-birth-of-villain.html]

A couple days later…[Added note: AFTER THE DEATH OF THE OTHER GIRL]

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“I apologize for breaking the silence. I just need to know if I’m going to run into either of you at [insert musician friends name]’s show tonight, else I won’t go”

FRANK:

“Either one?" [I tried to call him after this]

NO ANSWER

FRANK:

“Yeah…don’t explain yourself. Don’t worry about running into me anywhere. I hardly leave my apartment but for going to work.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“I was away from my phone. I’m sorry. I wasn’t not responding.

I’m trying to get used to the idea of Frank, but I don’t know how to refer to you now. That’s what I meant by either one.”

FRANK:

“Fine. You don’t need to worry about seeing me unless you are in the [insert area of city] I don’t plan to leave the vicinity unaccompanied.
You can stay as far away from me as you want.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“What about the conference?”

FRANK:

“Just don’t come near me. You clearly couldn’t ask the questions you needed answers to the first time and I don’t feel comfortable around anyone who won’t talk to ME.”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“I am not sure what you mean by me not asking questions. And I’m more than willing to let you talk. I’ve been trying to respect your request that I leave you alone. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve wanted to make contact pretty much constantly since Friday.”

FRANK:

“Well, you clearly had questions if you felt like being the very last person in her life she could trust

To break their promises

And lie”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“You’re right, [our former name], in that I broke a promise to you, but I didn’t lie about it. I told you straight away and apologised”

FRANK:

“And accused her of lying, which she never did”

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

“I really do want to talk to you. I want us to be friends again. I want to accept who you are. I admit that the last one is going to be challenging, because I don’t think Frank and I like each other very much right now. But I really hope we can change all that someday soon. Please let’s aim for that. Please.

And in terms of asking more questions I would never have thought to ask if you were mocking me and making me look like an ass on the internet for all to see. Insert my interjection here, NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS, save two people who really could give a fuck - unless he shared my link, in which case, DOUBLE ASSHOLE

FRANK:

Fuck off, yeah, it’s all about you.

Nobody knows it was u

Nobody knows it was her

Nobody we knew was reading it Can't say that now, can we

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

Was I pushing you around?

FRANK:

You weren’t listening when she was trying to ask for help

You know what, read it all…start with the journal, read her story

STANDBY/THE VILLIAN:

You told me otherwise Didn't fucking stop him, and might I say, we had a conversation just prior to this where we discussed mental illness diagnoses and talked about my/her past, and all the abuse in my/her past

FRANK:

“Yeah, well, she wasn’t good at asking for help

I am, and now I know who to ask

And how to do it

Read the blog top to bottom

Get to know what she went through, some of it is vacuous but read it.

Read the poetry

Understand
Then talk to me again, in the meantime keep pitying your selfish pride.”

He was upset because The Other Girl and Frank had been seeing him and FNA at the same time; despite the fact that they (The Other Girl, Frank and Standby) had discussed it. Frank told him (though he thought he had been talking to only The Other Girl) that she had feelings for FNA, and she wasn’t willing to give him up. This was all talked about before he even read this blog, back in February; what Standby had been upset about was both the way in which Frank had written about him, and her talk of adoration for FNA within her writing.

The Other Girl had been in love with Standby. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Frank did not love Standby at all. She liked having sex with him, but Frank’s heart was tied to FNA, for many, many, reasons.

Does he expect that what he said about Frank, that she "goes out of her way to kill every who comes near [her]", that The other Girl's lingering pain caused by someone with whom we have no ties, is something we even desire to forgive?

The last thing he said was, “It’s all very disconcerting, making a decision to leave an entire life behind like that. Was it some kind of self preservation tactic? Do you somehow feel we all ganged up on [The Other Girl]? How do you just stop caring about the people who cared about you?”

How do we care about people that only a dead girl cared about?

~ Written by: We...without the help of Frank.

Relationships, Frank...and Love

Please note: all links provided are internal links for reference purposes - we are not trying to sell anything

Split
Acrylic on Canvas Board
2003
(c) Frank Ly

Walking to work this morning, which was actually Monday morning, we discussed what we might write about next, there being so much.


We almost started to cry when we realized we've only written brief stories that have gotten us to the age of 23, and there are 9 more years of stories to share, and other stories that we can share from Ours, and The Other Girls life, that would be more titillating to you; like our first girlfriend and how that went wrong; a spontaneous trip across statelines in the middle of the night to meet with a man we were infatuated with, a much older man we had taken to our senior prom, a friendship that ended up breaking our heart by his revelation of lies he had been telling us about himself; boys we lived with that turned out to be a bad idea. These are just dating and relationship stories of course. There are family stories, and stories about just us, too.


We look back on our life, and that of The Other Girl, sitting here at the desk, which is actually our tall dining room table, littered with paints, brushes, papers, additional art supplies, and odds and ends; we begin to realize how We, and The Other Girl, have been mistreated by not just family members, but by friends, lovers, boyfriends, and some girlfriends. Not that we haven't done some mistreating of our own. We are certainly human, and therefore fallible.


We've always been the caregiver, maybe it was because we had to play mom at such a young age. We are always the one to do the persuing, the one who tries to create opportunities if only to be seen with potential value. It's possible that in doing this we simply opened ourself up to people who prey on the weak, and those with a giving and loving nature; only to satisfy their own needs, rather than equating a balance or compromise. We are very open about our feelings when we have them, maybe we are too open and pushy with out affections. We doubt that, even though it gets us nowhere.

We remember on National Womens Day we Tweeted something like, "men should love the women in thier life, all the women, because don't you think they deserve it"? 


Somehow we never felt like we deserved it, because we have always had to fight so hard to grasp it, from parents, from friends, from everyone; and if we deserved it then wouldn't we get it?  On the rare occasions where a man freely gave their love to us we destroyed it because we knew, and The Other Girl knew, that we had this secret, and if they were to find out then they wouldn't love us anymore. Better to cut the cord first and prevent more pain and rejection. Standby/The Villain was a good example of what happened when we tried to reveal our self, only  to find out he liked having sex with me, but only loved The Other Girl and Bitch. I am too mean for his liking, which was fine because he was not my type. More about that another time.


We really don't know what love looks like, we've written that somewhere here before, stating that the only kind of love we understand and recognize is our love for others, and that for our self (though some days we struggle with that love), but since our love doesn't look like any we have seen, we really don't know how to recognize it, particularly romantic love.

We were asked by a follower, who no longer talks to us because we refused to send him pictures of our face, and reciprocate his #TwitterFeelings for us, a series of questions in an e-mail. Some of them were questions regarding our relationships with men, some of them are general. Some have been removed because they were self serving questions.


We decided we would share this e-mail "interview". Why not? It's not like we keep anything about our self a secret anymore; besides our eyes, our birth name and place of residence - which are all irrelevant if you think about it. Plus we like being asked questions.

An Interview with Frank:(there is a language barrier here - English not being this mans first language, his words/questions have been left intact)


When you feel edgy, if you are left alone by someone who realizes you are stressed, do you get a talk between both Bitch and Frank about that person?

We talk about people while they are standing in front of us; as a matter of fact we do it a lot. Sometimes it's nice things, and it makes us laugh; sometimes not so nice things - and that makes us laugh too; but yes, we have dialog about people who disappoint us.

Does it happens that bitch might like someone and Frank not, and the other way? What do you do in both cases?

Yes, that has happened. When it had been all three of us it happened a lot more because The Other Girl had different tastes in men. Particularly the last few months before I stopped letting her date. She had terrible taste, like TDF. I have a very particular taste in men: intellegant, interesting, funny, opinionated (but not the point of overbearing), men who think; Bitch likes them to have a sweet or sensitive side, because she doesn't like to be hurt, and likes to cuddle more than I do.

If you had relationships how did boys dealed with the fact that you have double personality?

The Other Girl tended to date stupid men. And until this year she had never discussed us at all because she was afraid of what might happen, and she did not know what to say. When we were younger we really didn't date - we were not allowed. We fell in love with Forrest, but he was never our boyfriend. 


Men we have lived with who were perceptive probably wouldn't be surprised to find out this information now; but many men don't tend to be perceptive, in our opinion. 

Has I can see you can have more then two personalities. Do you just decide how many you want? (we were not sure what this question was in the entirety)

No. They just are. We really don't know how to answer that. It's just the two of us now, though we are aware of a male influenced voice that began to notice over a month ago now; he is not around much and only makes me yell and be scared because he is very negative and angry. We don't think he is a personality though, we don't know what he is. We don't know if this is considered "normal", but it is something we have discussed with Fabulous Person.

I have two friends who have squizofrenia and they both made a pill cure and now they live fine. Can't you do the same?

We have come to realize what we have may not be schizophrenia; it has been suggested it is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - though we have never been diagnosed with that and we know very little about it. We have only been diagnosed with social anxiety, manic depression (bipolar) and schizophrenia.  I am against prescription medication, The Other Girl has taken a lot in the past, but it tends to make me weak or gone. The idea of prescription medication makes Bitch scared because now that we no longer have The Other Girl she knows she cannot make it on her own; she has been on medication more than I have; I am also scared of losing her.

So, I can see you plan things toghether. What happens when you both don't agree?

Sometimes the plans get canceled, this last year we would make up excuses that would appear valid; sometimes we force our self to go. It's easier when we don't leave the house, if one of us wants to leave it causes symptoms of anxiety in our body; in addition to the anxiety we already are prone to.

What is sex life when you have doble personality? 

That's a question better left to men who have been in our life. We like sex, sometimes a lot, but we are also not into being premiscious. We have a story about this topic coming up soon actually; one about Special Boyfriend and our sex drive. Right now we really don't feel comfortable discussing it.

Am I cutier then your ex?

HA!  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please note: There have been many developments with the Us/We from the time of this post, such is the nature of writing therapy. We have started working on mapping therapy and have uncovered several personalities, which, for us, make a lot of sense - and that's how mapping works,
For more information please read the posts to the left in the  'OUR LIFE WITH DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER - OUR JOURNEY'

Standby: The Final Chapter

Last weekend we had the misfortune of having to attend a conference that The Other Girl had originally signed up for. Two months later, after I'd taken over her life, we had no choice but to attend; it was work related.


Initially we were worried because Standby was slated to attend; he had actually planned on attending with TOG...


The Pup was going to accompany us, but plans changed and we ended up attending on our own. We did our best to ignore his presence and once we spotted him, we turned and walked away. We had no doubt that he saw us, and it was confirmed by an e-mail we received later that evening.

"Hi [TOG],

Seeing you today, I immediately thought of our last communication, for which I would like to apologise.  I have been concentrating on being more positive about the most important people and aspects in my life, but with my last text, I failed.  It was mean-spirited and you should never get a message like that.  Please take it as an expression of the passionate emotions that you have always brought out in me.  Hopefully, from now on, those feelings will express themselves with more positivity and hope.

That whole conversation certainly helped me to realise that there are aspects of your past, which besides knowing about, I don't understand their full impact on you.  

Without sounding to analytical, I hope you don't mind me saying that I think you're really going to have to concentrate on accepting positivity and positive people in your life.  Your past experience has left you with a lot of mistrust and anger towards the people who care about you most.  And like many in your situation, you gravitate towards, and look to gratify, people who don't treat you well and aren't out for your best interests.  

But just as your mother is not in the same place she was twenty years ago, and is now much more 'motherly', I'm not trying to hurt you or betray your trust either.  

If you don't want to talk about this with me right now, I understand.  If that's the case, please just let me know you got the message.  Of course, I would prefer a response, because I just plain miss you.

Take care,

[Standby]"

We responded with: "got it"
The following day he replied: "no response?" 
We replied:

"what do you want from us? All we have to say to you is fuck off, just like that's all we have to say to everyone from [TOGS] past. You don't know the half of what we've been going through the last year...you refuse[d] to learn, to read, to pay attention. So you can fuck right off [Standby] <-this is where we used his full name.
There. A response. Happy fucking Monday.

and then...

My life as you knew it, is a different landscape now...and there is no place for people who've trampled on us. You're one of them. 

Standbys reply:

"I never meant on trample on you.  I know that my words and actions have caused such negative feelings within you, especially towards me.  I'm not proud of the things I've said and done these last few weeks.  You may or may not have noticed that I have apologised for all of it.  And you're right that this all started with a great big bruise to my ego, so you really shouldn't be surprised that I haven't read your blog since then.  By your own admission, it wasn't very nice, regardless of it being true.  I get that you're mad that I haven't read it and that's why I don't understand what you've been going through.  

I'll read it, for a better understanding and with hope that maybe you someday won't have so very much anger towards me, and instead of shutting me out for not understanding, we can talk about it.  

I still love you, [TOG].  I'm sorry I haven't been what you needed me to be."

and later...

"I have read both the Emergence of Frank and The Issue of Frank.  There's not much I didn't know before about how Frank came to be.  I'm still not 100% clear on why Frank showed up recently.
I suspect the part where you write that you're not angry anymore is ancient history.  I know that all of this had made your life more difficult, and for that I once again apologise.  I didn't strive to make things difficult.  I took a punch to the stomach and reacted by letting you know that I didn't want to be romantically involved anymore.  From what I read, that didn't seem illogical to me, though I know I could have gone about it better.  Frank was more a part of your life than I had ever known her to be, and she wasn't at all fond of me.  What would you have done?
I didn't want to be out of your life.  When you told me later that night to leave you alone, it was the most heartbreaking of all.
I'm sure I've written more than you want to read from me right now.  If you still feel that I've screwed up any future of our friendship, we should make arrangements for your bike, bed and other stuff to be removed from my place.   

I'm so sorry it's come to this." 

 And my final response:

"Throw away all the stuff if need be; we are not in place where we can even conceive of dealing with finding more storage, seeing as we have nobody, save Fabulous People. We don't talk to anybody anymore, except [names removed], from [TOG's] life. We've discussed it with The Mother, what to do with the things you have of [TOGs]...but we are at an impass for a couple of months.

The only thing we wanted you to realize is that it had nothing to do with you, none of it; that [TOG] was trying to reach out (you heard her say she felt like she was dying, she felt ill...look at all the weight she lost...were the only ways she knew to reach out).  She spiraled out of control, she needed help, but just like everyone else, it was all about them; and so here I am, because I remain the only person she's ever been able to count on for help, until very recently, and you were not one of those people.  She tried to tell you she wasn't ready, she knew, finally, in the new year, that I was here...and that we were in no place to form real relationships with anybody. But you couldn't wait until I helped her. And then I had to send her away. 

What brought me here?  Could have been TOG talking with The Father [in January 2010], about all the crap that had happened and trying to get answers, and him not acknowledging anything and trying to make god the answer...a god, which as you know, TOG never believed in [for obvious reasons], nor do I; it could have been Significant Other, lying to her for weeks, and it may have been small, but it was just another person who told her he loved her, but then couldn't be honest about a small thing [February 2010]; it could have been friends not being there, sharing her secrets [and the fucking year, 2010 ] and her realization that her biggest secret would have to stay buried forever if she stayed with those people, who were helping her keep me away from helping her, unbeknown to them. 

I imagine you'll never understand us at this point, and the fact that you were so resistant to do so in the first place indicates to ME that you are not for our new life, as we release all the pain onto pages and try to rebuild, and find peace.  

I'd like to say sorry. But we're really not. When we saw you at the conference, and we did, both days. All we felt was...nothing...but irritation. 

Know this, that [TOG] loved you. She would have spent her whole life with you. But I couldn't have that for her. You didn't know me, and I knew you wouldn't like me."

If he's smart, he'll never contact us again. The Final Chapter on Standby.

We're likely to go paint now. 

My Attempt At Pandering While Frank Sleeps

You shouldn't read this. But you will. So fuck you.

Today is a day of pandering, because we know how much "he" likes us to talk about him. Yep, we know, but maybe we're just guessing; it's probably the only reason he stops by to read our little blog - to see what we say about him, or IF we say something about him.

But that's me. I don't like him all that much; so when I say "we" or "our", I really mean "her". I think he's a pompous ass. I could keep saying things I don't like about him, but she might wake up, and then I'd be in trouble.

For us [By the way, I need a name, I guess. Anyone want to supply a "label"? We can't go by our Real Life name, that's used to address both of us, and that's privileged information].

Anyway, FOR US, Frank and I, the hardest part about dating, especially now, is our difference in taste of men. Frank likes very intellectual, somewhat driven, interesting, complex men; seemingly ones that don't mind torturing me [no worries, I know I deserve it - she knows it too].

Frank likes men who she can have interesting conversations with; men she could just listen to while she painted, or cooked; a man who could just exist around her comfortably, without interrupting her life too much. Since she's not leaving me now, not ever, we're on a quest to find someone who wants nothing more from us than we want from them.

I, on the other hand, like whatever we can get, and am pretty satisfied with settling for an average man. TOG had standards somewhere between us, but she's gone (and clearly, that's why The Villain is gone).

Being happy with what we can get wasn't working this time, Frank isn't going to stand for any settling this time.

I've been trying to tell her that it's a lost cause, that we could find someone we can both agree on that's not him; if only because he's not ours and can never be. I'm hoping to have influence over her before it's too late, but I fear I may fall into his trap.  He is awfully charming, and cute as fuck. Don't know why, he just is. It pisses me off.

Yeah, I know it's not cool. It's really not. It's REALLY NOT.

We've known all along that we couldn't "keep" him, even way back when we were trying to catch him, that "big fish" that TOG and I was planning to throw back.

Sometimes surprises are bad. Especially if you're not used to them. Then they turn into shadows of cruel jokes. And then they just plain torture us.

I remain the only reason we haven't fallen too hard, because, in this case, I am the rational one. Who knew.

Unfortunately, tonight, he refuse to "service us" in the way Frank prefers, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted; that's a problem for me. I can't have him showing me kindness, and he did. We can't fall for him; she can, I can't. At a time like this I really miss TOG and her inability to stick to one man for very long. She really was a flighty cunt.

When I think back, I realize that's why Standby and FNA worked for us; each appealed to one of us.  Now we just have FNA, and while he is truely FaNtAstic, we really don't have a future with him and I know know that; part of us is okay with that (that'd be Frank, she likes him far more than I do).

That's not really pandering though, and Franks asleep after his recent visit; so you only have me attempting to appeal to a man ego, a man I really don't like that much.

She's gaga over him, it makes me sick because I have never really like him. He's kind of full of himself, full of self importance; almost like he thinks he's better than us. Like a bird fluffing out his plumage with his eyes closed. You know, all the usual metaphors pertain.

This is a song dedication that Frank asked me to post, right before she fell asleep. I'm okay with it, it's somewhere between what her and I feel. Because at the end of everyday I say to her "What the FUCK are you thinking".

In any case, Happy Lady Porn Day; maybe Frank'll wake up when I go wash the cum out of our hair, while we listen to more Johnny Cash; and maybe she'll come by to say nice things about that asshole.

A Note From Frank, ONLY Frank.

** Added: April 13th - this was not written by Frank, upon further reflection this was written by "Stabby" (that's his nickname until he gives his real one to us)


Now that I’ve taken over, things are getting a bit more on track; I didn’t expect it to happen right away, but I didn’t expect it to be so painful. Of course I’ve had the help of countless people lately (people you haven’t even heard about...yet). People who have felt the need to shit on us all at once; and all while TOG had been in need...in need for nearly a year…of kindness and understanding. But since she had done, and said, terrible things, and kept our secret too well – she pretty much screwed herself into a permanent vacation. We are not letting her come back, her vacation indefinitely extended thanks to one final blow from The Villian – I’ve let her exist too long anyway, without stepping in. She’s done a terrible job with our life, generally, until this last year when I started getting concerned and was roused from my own little vacation, coming back stronger and more determined than ever, and so now I’ll be carrying on with the last remaining bit of her life, and try to save our soul – if indeed we have one.

Sorry, I’m still a little bitter about that, being told we "kill the soul of everyone who comes near [me]. Starting with [insert "my" name]"

It doesn’t help that mere weeks ago we were accused of not being interested in a man, because, he said he understood that “after all, I have nothing to offer you”. This sentence rattled around in our brain for weeks, so you can imagine the affect these two men’s statements have had on me, at a time like this. Thanks for that you two. Fuckers. The both of you.

*sigh* Only, the one who doesn't have anything “to offer [me]” probably didn’t understand the weight of his words. So, I apologize for our out burst, wherever you are, you haven't known us long enough. I understand you don’t read our blog anymore. Probably a good thing.

OKAY. 

Wow, went on a bitter tangent there.

Maybe it should be break time. We have some other things to do.

But here’s a song. Frank really loves music, all kinds.

Don't be an ass; listen to the song.

This is our anthem. One of them.