Emotional Intelligence: Exploring Nonverbal Behavior And Facial Expression in Emotional Contagion

The end of semester grades are all in, and officially the semester ended with straight A's. It didn't feel like a straight 'A' semester...it felt like a struggle. But somehow it ended well. Yay! Other than culinary school, this is the first 4.0 GPA ever. The next two semesters are going to be hard to top. The best we can do is try to improve individual assignment and paper grades - which shouldn't be too hard.

Basically the issue with the major papers for this past semester was that they didn't conform exactly to what the instructors expected. Similar to the political science paper, this final paper for interpersonal communications was not exactly what the instructor wanted. She wanted something more basic, birthed more from the two weekly communication journals she had each student keep (one for a close relationship, one for a "distant" relationship) over the semester, with outside sources to support it. She wanted the format to be more in the "I", which we talked to her about - in academic writing the use of "I" and "me" is frowned upon, and, well...we just couldn't do what she asked, and we told her so. However, at the end of this we did include a "social penetration" drawing for each relationship [Google it if you want to know what that is] and a paragraph for each one explaining the evolution of each relationship over the semester (which is not going to be shared here), which facilitated a bit of what she wanted. When she paged through the paper before it was officially handed it in she commented that the writing is clearly going to be at a much higher level than the other students.

The paper ended up getting a 179/200 (which is an 89.5 - a half a point from an A! There were some angry feeling about this - but we got an A overall in the class...so...*shrugs*)

The following is the final paper of the semester.

If you don't know about emotional contagion and nonverbal behavior you might find this interesting. 

Emotional Intelligence: Exploring Nonverbal Behavior And Facial Expression

in Emotional Contagion

Interpersonal relationship skills are essential to good relationships in all aspects of life, from intimate to casual, to working, to family. Even the creation and maintenance of computer-mediated relationships require communication skills. Every part of human life includes exchanges of messages between people who must try to maintain a harmonious existence. Interpersonal communication, defined as mutual message transactions in a variety of relationships involving interlaced environments, where exchanges of messages, influenced by external physiological and psychological noise, work to satisfy a range of needs; these message transactions involve verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) Interpersonal communication is integral in the formation of interpersonal relationships, which fulfill the human need of belonging and companionship, found to exist in all human cultures, as well as needs such as identity and self-esteem creation, attainment of pleasure, escape, and social control. (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Adler & Proctor II, 2014) The purpose and needs in interpersonal relationships is dependent on the type and depth of relationship. The cultivation of good skills in interpersonal communication lead to higher levels of emotional intelligence, which is a “crucial component of social development and contributes to the quality of interpersonal relationships” (Nicola, et al., 2001) benefiting a person socially, psychologically and physiologically. Emotional intelligence can be defined as the “ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions and be sensitive to others’ feelings […] and is positively linked with self-esteem, life satisfaction and self-acceptance, as well as with healthy conflict management and relationships”, which are “unquestionably vital to […] success”. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) Proficiency in emotional intelligence is also linked with academic, economic and job related achievement, as it aides in fostering healthy learning and work-related environments, which are influenced by good interpersonal relationships and good communication skills. (Martin & Dowson, 2009; Carmeli, Brueller, & Dutton, 2008; Prati, Douglas, Ferris, Ammeter, & Buckley, 2003) Among the characteristics of people with high levels of interpersonal communication skills is the ability to adequately decode nonverbal messages through perception-checking and owning of emotions, interpret nonverbal cues in a variety of contexts, and understand the effect of perceptions of nonverbal communication on emotional contagion. These skills in nonverbal communication can improve the communication climate and increase the quality of given relationships through cognitive complexity, while creating various contexts to understanding communication issues. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014)

According to Adler and Proctor II (2014), some social scientists attribute between 65-95% of emotional impact from a communicated message to nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues are both intentional and unintentional and include a variety of qualities including facial movements, physical proximity, appearance, gestures, eye contact, verbal pitch and tone, and emotional expressions such as laughter and sighing. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) While nonverbal cues can reveal more than the verbal message, Adler and Proctor II (2014) caution that due to the highly ambiguous nature of even the “most common nonverbal behavior” it is important to keep in mind that each cue can “have so many possible meanings that it’s impossible to be certain which interpretation is correct”. Additionally, interpretation and perceptions of nonverbal cues are highly subject to personal bias of the observer and their own emotions. (Doherty, 1997) An important skill of emotional intelligence is encoding (sending) and decoding (receiving) nonverbal cues using the processes of perception checking. The influences and the impact that perceptions of facial expressions have in nonverbal communication, the potential roles of facial expressions and nonverbal behavior in emotional contagion, and possible resolution of these issues through perception checking are important in the development of emotional intelligence. Further, exploring the function of perception checking and emotional intelligence should prove to elevate the communication climate in the enrichment and maintenance of interpersonal relationships.

Members of interpersonal relationships who come from high-context cultures or backgrounds often interpret and more highly value facial expressions and other nonverbal cues, over verbal messages. For those from high-context cultures or backgrounds, nonverbal cues are often highly prized as a key source of meanings in messages. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) When one member of an interpersonal relationship comes from a high-context background, and the other member does not, dysfunctional communications arise. The primary problem is in the ambiguous nature of nonverbal cues, and the different perceived value placed on nonverbal cues between partners. When considering levels of low emotional intelligence, such as poor skills in perception checking, encoding, and decoding, as well as inclinations towards egocentrism, considerable conflict within the relationship arises, and can have a negative impact on emotional experiences and stability of the relationship.

Low levels of emotional intelligence can present a danger when errors in decoding facial expressions occur. This can lead to outcomes of perceived “negative” emotional contagion - that is a transference of a false negative mood or emotion from one person to another, though the false perception of facial expressions, “causing the viewer to mimic elements of that expression and, consequently, to experience the [false] associated feeling state” (Doherty, 1997). This can interfere in the healthy processes of transactional communication and over time can lead to a negative self-perpetuating spiral of false emotions, causing a breakdown in the message process and an erosion of the interpersonal relationship.

Some studies suggest that emotional contagion is unintentional, automatic, unconscious, and spontaneous in nature. Those with higher levels of emotional intelligence are more susceptible to emotional contagion in both distant and close interpersonal relationships due to their propensity to pay close attention to others, an ability of accurately interpreting facial expressions, and a collectivist view of relations, among other qualities of emotional responsibility and higher levels of empathy. (Doherty, 1997) However, it is interesting to note that emotional intelligence does not always equate with altruistic motivations subjective well-being or mindfulness, as Doherty alludes. (Schutte & Malouff, 2011) Some researchers indicate that there could be manipulative abilities in those with high levels of emotional intelligence. In Strategic Use of Emotional Intelligence in Organizational Settings: Exploring the Dark Side, M. Kilduff et al (2010) posited that in organizational settings, the emotionally intelligent individual has the ability to execute four tactics; strategic targeting, concealment and expression emotions at will, agitation through “sensegiving and misattribution”, and “strategic control of emotion-laden information”. Using these tactics, the manipulative emotionally intelligent person can use their skills in order to advance in the workplace by inciting emotional contagion while protecting themselves thorough various “self-regulating processes”. (Kilduff, Chiaburu, & Menges, 2010) This is an indication that, while emotional contagion appears uncontrollable, those with high levels of emotional intelligence have the ability to initiate and control it both externally and internally in interpersonal relationships.

As illustrated, emotion contagion does not exist in close personal relationships alone. In distant relationships, such as those with co-workers, business partners, and/or casual friends some research indicates a correlation with the influence of facial expressions and the level of emotional contagion in terms of leadership success (Dasborough, Ashkanasy, Tee, & Tse, 2009). It is important to recognize that social contagion borne out of competent interpretations of nonverbal cues through high levels of emotional intelligence can be constructive in all environments, including work and educational institutions, (Chang, Sy, & Jin, 2012; Moore & Mamiseishvili, 2012) due to the high correlation with empathy and effective communication. Additionally, a study done by Kimura & Daibo (2008) on emotional contagion across a variety of interpersonal relationships, from acquaintances to friends, indicates that while emotional contagion occurred regardless of relationship type, there are many factors involved in contagion across different emotions (love, happiness, sadness, anger), and there are further degrees of variations in factors social statuses, cultures and relationship intensities. Despite the subjectivity of emotional contagion, it is important to note that it exists and occurs in all types of interpersonal relationships.

In close personal relationships, through increased emotional intelligence, decoding nonverbal messages of facial expressions becomes easier as the couple moves through the various stages of the relationship. Perception checking and owning of emotions becomes particularly important in the development of various stages of relational maintenance. Additionally, there are a number of challenges in reading nonverbal cues, which is “dangerous to assume […] can be read with much accuracy”. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) Prevention of inaccurate interpretations, for both verbal and nonverbal communication, occurs through the process of reappraisal. During reappraisal, the receiver of the message must “step back” to asses, or reassess, the communication, while identifying and owning their own feelings, in order to alter the “emotional impact”. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) This, one of many skills in emotional intelligence, thereby works to prevent potential negative conflict spirals in the climate of communication. In addition, preventing inadequate perceptions prevents transference of incorrect or false emotions and decreases the potential for negative emotional contagion in the relationship.

To prevent inadequate perceptions in facial expression and nonverbal behavior encoding and decoding, which degrades the quality of a relationship and the messages in communication, there must be an increase of the level of emotional intelligence. According to Nicola, et al. (2001) emotional intelligence is both a trait and a skill which can be increased through “intensive training” via perception checking and the development of emotional reasonability. Perception checking involves acknowledgment of the observed [nonverbal] behavior, the creation of various potential explanations for said behavior, and a “request for clarification about how to interpret the behavior”. (Adler & Proctor II, 2014) Additionally, recognizing and taking responsibility for one’s emotions and thoughts, an essential part of emotional intelligence, deters potential communication quagmires. (Nicola, et al., 2001) Among other management strategies to avoid situations that involve negative emotional contagion are self-regulation strategies such as response modulation, characterized by reaction adjustment and feedback through paraphrasing, as well as cognitive changes, which involves “selective perception [checking] of the situation”. (Rempala, 2013)

In nonverbal communication, emotional intelligence is key whether in a low-context or high-context cultures. The ability to decode nonverbal cues along with verbal messages in the process of communication is just as important as the ability to encode (deliver) them, despite the ambiguous nature. The function of emotional intelligence and perception checking requires an openness to sincere inquiry into behaviors and the ability to admit that you need clarification. When a communicator is able to approach each communication event in a responsible manner, they can manage the levels of both positive and negative emotional contagion. These abilities emotional intelligence elevate the positive communication climate in interpersonal relationships, as well as add to higher levels of success in learning and employment. Emotional intelligence “can [potentially] heighten empathy, self-monitoring, social skills, cooperation, relationship ties, and marital satisfaction” when developed or enhanced. (Nicola, et al., 2001) Additionally, there is increased satisfaction with life, increased social well-being, and healthy interpersonal relationships linked to people with higher levels of emotional intelligence. Interpersonal relationships are at the center of all societies and cultures, and the ability to create, maintain, and nourish them fulfills a very basic social need of humans worldwide.

Sources

Adler, R. B., & Proctor II, R. P. (2014). Looking Out Looking In. Boston: Wadsworth.

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529. Retrieved April 24, 2014

Carmeli, A., Brueller, D., & Dutton, J. E. (2008). Learning Behaviours in the Workplace: The Role of High-quality Interpersonal. Wiley InterScience. Retrieved April 24, 2014

Chang, J. W., Sy, T., & Jin, C. N. (2012). Team Emotional Intelligence and Performance. Small Group Reseach, 43(1), 75-104.

Dasborough, M. T., Ashkanasy, N. M., Tee, E. T., & Tse, H. H. (2009). What goes around comes around: How meso-level negative emotional. The Leadership Quarterly, 20, 571-585.

Doherty, R. W. (1997). THE EMOTIONAL CONTAGION SCALE: A. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 21(2), 131-154.

Kilduff, M., Chiaburu, D. S., & Menges, J. I. (2010). Strategic use of emotional intelligence in organizational settings: Exploring the dark side. Research in Organizational Behavior, 30, 129-152.

Kimura, M., & Daibo, I. (2008). The Study of Emotional Contagion From the. Social Behavior and Personality, 26(1), 27-42.

Martin, A. J., & Dowson, M. (2009). Interpersonal Relationships, Motivation, Engagement, and Achievement. Review of Educatioal Research, 79(1), 327-365. doi:10.3102/0034654308325583

Moore, A., & Mamiseishvili, K. (2012). Examining the Relationship Between Emotional Intelligence and Group Cohesion. Journal of Education for Business, 87(5), 296-302.

Nicola, S. S., Malouff, J. M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. D., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., . . . Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional Intelligence and Interpersonal Relations. Journal of Social Psychology, 141(1), 523-536.

Prati, L. M., Douglas, C., Ferris, G. R., Ammeter, A. P., & Buckley, M. R. (2003). EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, LEADERSHIP. The International Journal of Organizational Analysis, 11(1), 21-40. Retrieved April 24, 2014

Rempala, D. M. (2013). Cognitive strategies for controlling emotional contagion. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 1528-1537.

Schutte, N. S., & Malouff, J. M. (2011). Emotional intelligence mediates the relationship between mindfulness. Personality and Individual Differencecs, 50, 1116-1119.

Source

A Story Of Worth

Standing against the wall in the back of the banquet room, in my black, blue and grey gingham-esque cotton dress over-top a pair of black stretch pants with a rip in the inner thigh, grey knit boot length socks peering over the top of slightly dirty black pleather boots, I watched as all of the students, donors and faculty, dressed "Midwest fancy", ate a nice catered meal.

It was an awards banquet to celebrate the distribution of the department's scholarships, and because I had a class up until the last minute I didn't think I would make it in time to eat, and I couldn't go home to change or freshen up, so I didn't buy the $7 ticket for dinner. Even if I could have went home to change, what I was wearing was about as nice of an outfit as I had for such as occasion, partially due to the weather, it's still a bit chilly you know, and partially due to not having clothes that fit properly right now.

I find a stack of chairs against the wall of the small room, pick one up, and grab a seat in the back near a corner. I could have went home, my being there wasn't going to affect my getting the scholarship(s), but I felt that it was a duty to at least show up. After all, they were giving me free money.

Watching the students in particular, most of them girls, I imagined what it must be like to be their age, be as pretty as them, which most of them were; to come from families like theirs, with parents who cultivated their confidence, urged them to participate in school activities, drove them, but probably not too harshly, to succeed; parents who saved up money so they could go to college because they knew they were worth the investment. What it must be like to have nothing but the world at your feet after such an upbringing.

Of course I only imagine them to be this way because one of the girls that was at the event is in one of my classes, and I recently had to do two assignments that involved writing about her life. A litany of sports, coaching a shooting team, regular AND Spanish Honors student. She just got accepted to represent the school in a summer abroad program. Her parents are well-to-do farmers, avid church goers. You get the picture. Perfection. And most students in this area that go to college are from families that can afford to send their kids to college. Nice middle-class agricultural-based communities.

How the hell am I supposed to stack up against kids with that kind of potential anyway.

So, they announced all of the awards, one by one the young girls in pretty dresses and high heels, and strapping farm boys in slacks and dress shirts, walked to the front, received their award letter, smiled for the camera, and went back to their seats where the girls picked at the dessert of white cake with yellow filling and all of them fiddled with their cell phones, pausing to clap politely as their peers received their monetary awards.

To be honest, I was shocked that I was awarded anything. I applied on a lark, after urging from a female instructor for one of my classes, who can't be more than six years older than me. I had told myself, that whatever we got was good enough. Every little bit helped.

But then something unexpected happened.

After taking the big group picture, I walked out of the building, two big envelopes in hand, each with a letter and a certificate of congratulations, and I actually felt...ungrateful. The awards were half of what I was hoping for and expecting, given the amount the department had to distribute. It was far less than half of what I needed to cover some of the giant cost of gasoline to get to school, plus books and parking. While I've been cutting back on my drinking to save money, it still remains that I don't spend any money on "going out" to bars, or nice dinners, or clothes for that matter. I just purchased a new pair of shoes that were much needed, but outside of that I have bras that are pushing four years old and in tatters and socks that just won't grow thicker skins. James pays for a date every month or so, but as for "splurging"...we're saving up to go on a trip to Toronto this summer to a Tweetup (the last one we plan to attend), which is doubling as a sort of honeymoon, two years after the fact.

I had no right to be ungrateful. No damn right at all.

It was a rather disgusting feeling.

I couldn't shake it. I got into the car, mind in a bend, gripped the steering wheel tight, and began to drive home. "What the hell is the problem?" I thought as I passed by a gas station. "If we'd won the lottery for the same amount we'd be thrilled."

But then it hit me.

I actually felt like I had little value. That these two small awards, that will cover gas for just about two months of the eight months I have left, were based on my worth to the people who read my scholarship letter. Value based on the accomplishments, peppered with pretty words of self-accolade, that I scraped together...seventeen years after being in a position to compete with the likes of kids who were in academic and sports clubs, who were in positions of leadership and part of student organizations, who were in honors clubs. Value based on my potential and my achievements (sure, I graduated with honors from culinary school...but it's culinary school) as as adult, as someone old enough to be the parent of the very kids I was "competing" against.

To be honest, even in primary education, that is first through twelfth grade, I didn't have that many accomplishments. A funny thing happens to kids from broken homes, that even at the time that they weren't broken were never encouraged to be better than average, that never got pushed or even nudged to be better. That never knew the feeling of confidence.

What follows is by no means at attempt to slag off my parents, what is past is past; but that past is important. Any rational human being who understands child psychological and social development and family interpersonal communication can attest to this. The nurturing and upbringing of a child can have long lasting effects on their personal development and sense of self. Which, as an aside, is a large factor in the personal decision not to have children. There is no part of me that wants to be held responsible for that kind of thing. The margin for error is too large.

My parents were selfish - which is likely a product of having children at a young age, and partially due to the types of people they are personally, and the upbringings they had. They weren't selfish in the way that parents who pressure their children to succeed because they want to live vicariously through them and have them accomplish the things they couldn't. No. They were selfish in the way that, while they surely loved me and my brothers, they did not think to encourage us to participate in things (though in the 6th or 7th grade I did get to play basketball on the weekends). They had their own things going on. Clubs and activities require a devotion of time, as any suburban soccer mom can attest to. As poor farmers, time means chores or field work, and in the mid-80's, those second jobs to scrape by. Even moving past that, when dad moved the kids to the "big city", the mindset remained.

If I picked up an instrument, I could put it down and walk away without any urging to try harder, without anybody saying "I know you can do it". I did it with the clarinet, I did it with the drums. Reading wasn't a promoted activity around the house, though dad read Little House on the Prairie several winters in a row, reading too much wasn't useful. 4-H was the exception, but that club is meant to foster good farm values, and patriotism/nationalism, not to mention homemaking skills, which, I guess, was expected to be the lot in my life. At the very least 4-H was meant as a way of promoting doing barn chores, picking weeds and the various other things kids have to do on a farm, to make them "more fun". 4-H was, and is, a club based in utility. It's useful. Not like those academic, art and sports clubs.

As I often do when I spiral in a rant. I digress. It's the past. It cannot be undone.

But driving the forty minutes home tonight this is what I thought about. How different my life would have been with confidence and worth fostered in me when it should have been. How different things would have been if I had been urged, or pushed to succeed because someone knew I could do it, and could be better; because their confidence is what would have helped mine grow. How different it would have been without the various abuses that broke and shaped my brain at young ages.

So I came to understand that I was not actually ungrateful for the honor of the awards. I was angry because I felt like the awards represented my potential's value, and my potential was based on my achievements, and I feel like I never had the proper opportunity every child deserves, and that that had an affect on everything that came after it. And had those things been different, I wouldn't be a nearly thirty-five year old woman crying about what could have been while driving on the dark backroads somewhere in the Midwest still wondering what to do with her life.

Then I remembered. I have done good things and I get very good grades, and I apply myself. I try my hardest. Trying to be confident in yourself, when few people ever genuinely have been, is a really hard thing to do as an adult. I don't have as much potential as those kids, because I'm twice their age, and they simply have more time for their potential potential to be realized. I can work with what I've got though.

So as I sit here now, on my sofa, with my glass of Gin getting warm from neglect, still wearing the ripped black stretch pants from a long day of classes, I'm thankful for the people who thought I was worth even a small investment. Even if what I received was basically akin to a participation trophy, and I know that I'm worth more.


Thank you for reading.

[P.S. I love you, mom and dad]

~ Frankie

Nonverbal Friday

In interpersonal communication class this week (and next week) the topic is nonverbal communication. That's everything from proxemics (how close or far you stand when communicating), kinesics (body position and motion, and touch), space (how you arrange your office or house to communicate who you are), paralingual attributes (tone, pitch and volume of voice), physiological responses (gestures, posture, facial eye contact and movement), appearance (what you wear), and to a lesser degree chrometics (what how you use time says about what you think), and so much more.

Nonverbal communication, the sending and receiving of communication through "wordless cues" - the stuff that tells the story you won't tell. It's actually a fascinating branch of communication study. According to some studies 65-93% of communication is nonverbal (1).

Nonverbal communication is something we sometimes struggle with on a personal level. James had often remarked early in the relationship that sometimes our face and tone did not math the words coming out of our mouth. While we are really good at reading nonverbal communication (sometimes scary good), it could probably be said that we're not good at controlling it. (A Face Full Of Emotion: A Journal Entry - http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2012/01/face-full-of-emotion-journal-entry.html) Nonverbal communication can reveal how you are feeling, even if it's not intentional.

We depend too much on it perhaps, as it's easier to covey a message using aspects of nonverbal communication than it is saying outright what it is on our mind. So, in public, instead of saying "Move out of my way bitch", everything that needs to be said we can do using our eyes, mouth and posture alone...sometimes unintentionally.

But nonverbal communication can also reveal lies you're telling, and maybe that's why we're not comfortable with lying, because our entire body demands honesty. This body will tell you the truth, and we know it will, so why bother lying. If that makes any sense. 

In any case, there were two videos in class today to illustrate and to facilitate the "book learning"...and it seemed they would be worth sharing. They come from TED Talks, which is an amazing series of professional lectures from all over the United States. If you're not familiar with TED Talks go ahead and Google them...they have a great website full of videos, there are loads, in all sorts of topics - they are generally short, informative/educational and interesting.

Here are the two from today. Initially the first video just really reminded us why we hate/dislike (most) people, and why communicating with people is terrifying (you can't trust people!). But then we remembered how fascinating communication is, and that's why it's our major.

So, enjoy...

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(1) Burgoon, J.K. (1994). Nonverbal Signals. In M.L. Knapp & G.R. Miller (eds), Handbook of Interpersonal Communication. (p. 235). Newbury Park, CA: Sage. 

Meaning and Words, and A What The Fuck Moment

That awkward moment when you have friends and family fill out a Johari Window model for a class...and your Dad describes you as 'loving'...and your husband does not.

This blog entry is going to be many things. First, a brief explanation of what a Johari Window is. Second, a quick discussion on the meaning of words. Third, a bit of a rant.

First things first, a Johari Window (found here: http://kevan.org/johari) is a model exercise on mapping personality awareness used in fields of Interpersonal Communication. A "disclosure/feedback model of self awareness" (for a more in-depth description and history go here: http://www.businessballs.com/johariwindowmodel.htm)
This assignment was for our Interpersonal Communication course.

Who doesn't want to know what the people closest to them thinks about them in five to six concise descriptive words of less...
You're right, nobody.

So, this weekend we sent off the link to Mother, and Father, and James.
Then today, in class, sitting at the back of the room playing on the internet when we should have been, oh, paying attention to the Interpersonal Communication lecture, we decided to see that the results were.

Then came the What The Fuck Moment. Which we'll get to in a bit. (It's not what you think.)
We decided we needed a few more people in on this, flesh it out a bit, so we sent the link to friends who, while all but one we met online, we have also spent anywhere from a couple of meals, to several days, with (thank you Kerry, Alison, Lush, Jesse and Jodi. xx) in Real Life.

Second. One topic from last week's Interpersonal Communication class was about words and their meanings and how meaning is not in words, rather meaning is applied to words. Seems pretty obvious if you think about it. The word 'sick', for example, has more than one meaning depending on how it's used. i.e. "I feel sick", "You're so sick", "That's so sick". Your parent telling you "You're so sick" will probably have a different connotation that your best buddy saying the same thing. Also, you might have traveled back in time to the 90's, because do kids still even use that slang today? Then there's the classic evolution of "gay" - gay was happy, then it was homosexual, and now it's lame (but it's still homosexual, and people who use it to mean lame should learn some new words).
You get the point.

So, on this Johari Window there's 55 adjectives to choose from:
able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, dependable, dignified, energetic, extroverted, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent ingenious, intelligent, introverted, kind, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, modest, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty.

Phew.

The common theme of the 55 adjectives is that there is usually an opposite of which you really can't be both. For instance, introvert vs extrovert, self-conscious vs confident, dignified vs silly.

You get it.

You're thinking...wait...where are all the overtly negative adjectives?!

That's over at the Nohari Window (http://kevan.org/nohari), an optional assignment, and far less appealing in nature. Needless to say, we opted out of it.

Okay, so we got a total of 5 participants to "describe Frankie in five to six adjectives", and it was...more complete, but it still didn't erase the nagging agitated feeling from the What The Fuck Moment earlier in the day.

The What The Fuck Moment is when one person's descriptors were clearly based on...well, there's no real prudent way to put it, either fallacy or confusion...or an inability, a case of being absolutely hindered from separating one's own religious ideals, one's own self, when analyzing or considering others. Realistically, Self and Other should be separated, to do a person justice you should not compare them to you, but analyze, judge them, if you will, on their independent merits, or lack of.

We're into the ranting now, if you hadn't guessed. 

No, this idea on how people do/should/shouldn't scrutinize each other has not been covered or discussed in class, nor in the textbook so far.

This realization came from hours of thinking about the different possible reasons why the word "seeking" was used, out of fifty-five possible adjectives, to describe us, any one of us. Trying to rationalize it. Thinking of the many meanings that can be attached to that word, and a few of the others. This realization, then, was birthed from a What The Fuck Moment.

So, was he meaning we're "seeking" because he thinks somehow we're actively looking for, say, oh, God, because we're lost in his opinion? "Seeking", to us, being the opposite of "religious" on the Johari model.

It really stuck in our craw.

All day.

How dare that be an adjective he chose because he has some idealized idea of who "I" should be in reflection of himself and his desires. Also, sorry, but we're not "seeking" anything, except more knowledge. We are not "lost", we chose the path away from religion based on an extensive amount of consideration, logical thinking, belief and reflection. That's almost the opposite to "lost" in this case.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the "he" in questions is The Father.

It became more confusing when he also used the words "loving" and "self-conscious".

Not one single person close to us in the last, oh, more than ten years would be likely to use those adjectives coupled with our name.

Which led us to wonder, which one of us has he been spending the little amount of time we've spent with him over the last few years, with? 

It took some contemplation, thinking not simply about how one sees their self, but how people see each other, attach adjectives to describe people, sometimes based on comparing that person with who they are, or what they want to see. How, perhaps, a lot of people who are unable to be objective see or assess each other based on their personal motives and desires surrounding the person they are assessing. They are trying to find a reflection in the other person. A sort of reverse-reflected appraisal, or reverse-social comparison*, if you will.

Correct or incorrect, it was an eye-opening hypothesis.

We were in a tail-spin throughout the day about words and what the meanings were being applied to them and what that means when people think about each other. To pick at the same Daddy scab**, the use of the word "self-conscious", holds different weight and meaning depending on how it's applied. One is an awareness of self and the acts one performs (more of a philosophical approach to the word), the other is insecurity or a fear of embarrassment (more of a negative connotation). Two very different meanings, if not more, can be attached.

Bottom line is, we clearly have some sort of concern about what Father thinks of us and this situation manifested it into a What The Fuck Moment. It's certainly not stemmed from a desire to appease him in any way. Maybe it's a sense that despite all the candor over the past few years he still doesn't really know us or have a sense of who we are.

Footnotes:
*reflected appraisal is the theory that a person's self-concept mirrors the way the person believes others regard him or her, and social comparison is evaluating the self in terms of how we compare with others.
**for the record, we do not have "daddy issues", we moved past that stage in life

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Now for something not so completely different.

How ridiculous is it that we're trying to map personality awareness. Think about it. [Marisa/IamtheCrew (and other DID/MPDers), you know what we're getting at.]

We can't possibly do an adequate job of it for a class. But we have attempted it out of necessity. The link to it is up there somewhere at the top, and it was integral in getting our life back in some sort of order, relatively speaking.

If you want a know how the people who know us best see us, and what a "working" Johari window looks like, this is the most recent screen-shot from the model assignment:

Yay! 100% think we're intelligent! The ruse is working! Bwahahaha!!!

Meanwhile...sensible? dependable? WITTY?

Also, apparently "introverted" has a range of meanings, including "marked by interest in or preoccupation with oneself or one's own thoughts as opposed to others or the environment." which sounds...terrible. We're totally interested in other people. That's not to say we like many of them, but people are fascinating to observe and analyze. Personally, we used the word to describe ourselves because we attached a meaning to it that was based on, overall, preferring solitude.

If some of the words had included clear definitions, we would not have chose that one, and possible "idealistic"...or maybe we would.

Words words words, words have meanings and meanings have words and words have power and good communication is complicated, because people are complicated and full of meaning and words.

Words!