Re-thinking Marriage? ...(so much ramble)

You know what's great?  Writing the beginning of your blog in the car, on paper, then forgetting it in the passengers side visor, so when your significant other takes the car to work (thereby leaving you with the peace and quiet to write) you have to try to recall something you wrote two days ago, in the hot sun, while you waited for a wedding party to return from taking pictures across town, because your S.O. is part of said wedding party (Best Man actually); and you just had to drive across town (in a different direction) to deliver the cake (that he made), in the hot sun with poor air conditioning, all the time with your four way flashers on, going about 10-15 klicks (that's kilometers, and I'm not doing the conversion for my American friends) under the speed limit so the cake, and the small woman balancing it on her impossibly small lap, both don't end up planted in the dash. (Did I mention I hate driving slow?)

The Cake

I was at a wedding on Friday, which got me thinking about marriage; mainly because I really didn't know anyone there, so I was on my own - giving me lots of time for contemplation. It was my 'significant others' best friends wedding, which means you would think I would know at least one person who I could sit with - but they were all in the wedding party. 


Luckily I am good with "on my own".


Weddings can generally do funny things to woman, from what I hear; and what they do to men is up to our own imagination. I certainly got misty eyed (and not necessarily because of fond-marriage feelings), but not a single tear graced my cheek; I have retrospection to thank for that.


Key people in my family would love to see me married, at least before (and if) I start to procreate (and that time is coming), but the older I get the more marriage makes no sense. It's hard to believe in the idea of marriage with so many examples of it being a defunct practice.


I know of many marriages of "religious" couples that have ended in divorce, I know of plenty of people who have divorced despite having children together, and then there are those that stay together for the children - those kids will have issues to deal with, just like divorced kids. I've researched biblical readings on marriage to know that the bible doesn't necessarily have a hard stance on it, stating that the laws of your governing authorities are what dictates marriage requirements (1 Peter 2:13-16; Romans 13:1-6) and that, generally, the thing that stamps you as married is sexual relation (quick - how many people have you REALLY been "married" to?  Scary, isn't it?). That, and some money changing hands between the brides father/families and the grooms father/families - you know, because woman are property, like cattle. Mooooooo.


Some may say I am jadded. I was married at 21, to a man much my senior, and that relationship was a significant learning tool.  It took me many years after I ended the (very brief) marriage before I could honestly consider the idea of marriage again. With all the proof, and my own experiences, it's hard to understand todays logistics of marriage. Leaving me to pound my firsts on the table and scream "THEN WHAT'S THE GOSH DARN POINT?!".


Marriage does not guarantee permanency, it's an expensive tradition involving a legal contract (that can be broken), and means only what it means to the individual(s) entering the contract.


While certainly the topic comes up in my own relationship, sometimes prompted by waves of my own obsession and then squished out by my own rational, only to be brought back up to the surface by scary comments made by my significant other; things that should never be uttered to ME, but it happens anyway (and happens more frequently than I approve of).


"Once we get married we'll be together forever" (uh-huh *rolling my eyes*) or "Once we are married then you can never leave me" (which makes me think: "Oh, you think so? I smell a challenge.")

These are the wrong things to say to an independent, 30 (31 next week), already divorced woman who has slight commitment issues and a penchant for wanting to crush souls. Okay, so I don't want to crush souls but when I feel like I am being threatened then my guards will go up and anything can happen. Anything. (*insert evil laugh here*)

So, if I am a commitment-phobe (on any level) why do I obsess with the idea?  

For the answer to that question I reach into the recesses of my past to display 18 years of religious upbringing; training on how to live your life the way someone else is telling you to live it. These ideals are ingrained in my head, and sometimes my logic is on vacation (probably with my aforementioned Inspiration - which by the way, still hasn't returned because this is begin written by sheer self-force), and when this happens my brain turns to flights of fancy. 

The idea of marriage is a beautiful (albeit terrifyingly scary) concept, in theory.  In terms of whether or not I will be walking down that isle...last thing I said about the subject to my significant other (the day of the his best friends wedding): 

"If we get engaged can't we just be engaged forever?". 


But from the looks he gave me at that wedding, and the things he said to me throughout the day...let's hope my logic goes on vacation and stays there, for his sake.