James asked us the other day if we were depressed. The only answer we had was that we weren't sure, and sometimes we can't even tell if whatever malaise we've been feeling is depression. Most days it just feels like...we're a robot.
We've been having a lot of dissociation in public lately. We've also been spending a lot more time in public. Leaving the house three times a week is a lot for us. We'll have to have James start writing down the times he notices it happening and see if there's a correlation to how many hours we spend in public, or if there's a time-mark of some sort. It probably very similar to an extreme physically and mentally uncontrollable sugar crash, but it doesn't matter the time of day, or what we've eaten, of if we've eaten, so we've ruled that out.
It doesn't make it fun for James to be with us; we become detached, sometimes unable to speak or answer his questions in a timely manor, we appear emotionally void, it's more labored to walk and so we slow down, we become dazed and listless. Even as we know this is happening it's like we have no control over it, and we never know how long it'll last. Human autopilot through a fog. Which is probably better for him than when one of us less...fond...of James is out in public with him, likely.
Lately we've been considering closing this blog; it's starting to feel almost...redundant.
Don't close it.
ReplyDeleteI miss writing so much it's painful. This blank fog is killing me and I know if I could force myself to start writing again it would help... Like you though, it feels like out would just be covering the same territory... Still, repetitive or not, it's an outlet and a worthwhile one.