At The Risk Of Everything

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So, this was our first week of University classes.
Day one found us having panic attacks.
By the end of the week we were better...mostly.

Ten years ago when we attended university for the first time it felt much less...overwhelming...from what I can recall.

In any case, having compiled all of our homework for this semester into a handy little document, we realize...we're fucked.

There's so much of it. With work, and a relationship, housework, and time to decompress (which we need, to stay relatively sane), and the commute...

It's tempting to play with the idea of being on medication again, just to take the edge off.

Last time we attempted this (University) we
a) were not working, other than work-study (which mostly involved studying)
b) were on prescription meds
c) tended towards marijuana, which helped us focus (yes, focus. We were an A student) - and didn't ever touch alcohol.

Now.
It's different.

In any case...we're saving most of the opinions on our experience of our first week for a future blog post...tonight...tonight we're tempting fate.

We have a lot of writing to do for University, some we want to share with people who read this blog...however, the risk is that an instructor does a content search of something we write after it's already been handed in and graded, and lands here...

Needless to say we have had no luck with employers finding this blog and continuing to employ us; so hopefully all will go well.

This week, when asked to write about what optimistic predictions of the internet I think proves inaccurate, and what optimistic predictions may be realized...this was the response:

The prediction that the Internet and World Wide Web would bring people closer together, and create additional ways of accessing information is one of the most optimistic ideas; and the truth is that with optimism comes pessimism.  

The paradox of the WWW is that while it certainly has been bridging gaps between cultures and people around the world, bringing them together in new ways, it has also separated the very people in shared communities. People are increasingly becoming obsessed with their online lives, pushing those physically close to them to the outskirts while they maintain constant contact with others, often near strangers, around the world. In addition, while the idea of bringing people together across cultures sounds overwhelmingly positive, it is often forgotten that it also brings together worlds that can become increasingly dangerous, bridging gaps between domestic and international terrorists, uniting enemies, growing and fostering hate groups. But then, countless friendships and connections have been created over the internet. It is the ying and yang of The Web. 

While the Internet is full of information, without media literacy and responsibility, it is near impossible for the full potential to be realized, used and properly appreciated. 

For example, The Onion, [is] a satirical news website that often times gets taken literally by people who lead with their emotional response and who often have poor media literacy skills, and often the confusion and anger that arises gets further spread through communication channels over the Internet. 

Optimistically, as people learn how to disassemble information they access on the Internet, and to understand the importance of citing legitimate and valuable sources, access to a network of free learning is possible; which is about the best thing that the Internet can provide.

It's not the best writing, but hey, it's been awhile since we've posted anything good to this blog...

Our first week of classes...under the belt. Only fifteen more to go...

The Beginning

Writing words in the sky on a University campus, tomorrow from 11 to 3.

We're ready for the band-aids to be ripped off, exposing tender flesh to strangers, yet again; to bleed tears, and yearn daily for mortal rest.

It'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Everything is going to be fine.

Blurp II

Textbooks bought, mere days to go.

We're not ready for this.

We already expend every energy we have getting through workdays, looking cheerful...and when we don't people seem afraid of us. Our eyes exude something unexplainable, unapproachable, when we are weak and can no longer mask them...and now we have to add classes.

We're not ready for this.

On the upside James has gotten a new job, one with health benefits, so health insurance is in our future. First thing we're doing is going to see a doctor about all of this extra pain, particularly the pain in our hands and wrists, and in our hips. And then the rest.
Our body is a veritable cascade of pain these days.

Exhausted.

Blurp

Great weekend at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines, Iowa with friends (@Cool_Jesse and @InnaGardnOfEden), it was a nice distraction.

Next Monday we start back at University...10 years later we find ourselves in the same place...only...

This feels much worse, mentally, physically...mentally...so stressful, so uncertainty...there's just so much.

Sorry if we start to seem bizarre...again.

Nowhere To Run

As a "fun" "side-note"...two nights ago we had our very first dream where we actually felt pain in the dream. Felt it like we were awake.
So real that we, even now, can remember the pain, recall what we were doing (crouching to get cooking ingredients from a low shelf), and the whimper that ensued.

It was weird.

While we have been in a lot of physical pain recently, even upon waking, hips and nerves pinched making knees and legs throb and ache...we never thought that pain could be felt so clearly in dreams.

So, now we really have nowhere to run from it. Nowhere to hide from the physical pain.

Dancing Clowns

It's that old feeling. Not the loving kind.
It's been creeping and crawling...slinking it's way in the cracks for days. The spackle too thin to hold for long.

We just go about our day, flipping switches for distraction when we can.

If we don't worry about it it's fine.

Fighting depression, sticky inky, seeping,
and
pain,
in our ankles, knees, hips, wrists, hands;...and of course our back and neck - the old faithful pain.

We're just slugging through the days, trying to keep it a secret. We're pretty good at keeping the secrets. If you look at us most of the time you'd think nothing, which is better than thinking anything else, about us.
Just a shrug of a person who looks fine, smiles, smirks at times.
LOOK HOW NORMAL AND HAPPY WE ARE.
Our face wants to scream, and when it can't we hide and busy ourselves, talk to nobody...shuffle things around. So focused. So focused on nothing.

We'll be fine. We'll be hilarious, in fact. Watch us be a dancing clown.

It's All Good

Our house guest is gone. <sad face>

A buddy, known on Twitter as @iRandumbs (formerly ConfusedLush, Now @DetroitLush), from Detroit, came to stay with us for a week (for our birthday celebration). It's the longest we've ever had a house guest, and it was pretty awesome. We got to make all sorts of food, had lots of laughs, and shared many drinks.

Next weekend we'll be going to the Iowa State Fair with another friend, @Cool_Jesse, who stayed with us a couple of nights in June. James has never been to Iowa before, so it'll be a fun trip.

We've known both of these amazing men for longer than we've known James, and it's been great to get to spend so much time with them this summer. Despite all the negativity Twitter gets, we have found that Twitter is just a good a place to meet people and make friends, as anywhere else. (We also have a new local female friend who we met on Twitter! She shall remain anonymous for the foreseeable future.)

After the fair life will "calm down"...HA! No, we won't really be traveling anymore, or having house guests, because Fall semester starts in just under three weeks. This August, exactly 10 years ago, was when we first started University classes as a "mature student" -  now, with 5 years of higher education under our belt, we're returning...it's debatable whether we're less, or more, mature now.

It's going to be a giant challenge...we'll be going to school full time, working part time (until October...and they just offered us extra hours), plus everything else that comes with life, a husband and a house and a 45 minute commute one way...plus balancing our mental health. None of these things we have done before without being on medication. No, we're not whining...we're writing through the stress.

We're starting to become very nervous, already stressing about money, paintings that won't be completed in time, and all the extra pressure we'll have.
Not to mention we had to swap out a course for a Public Speaking class...

Public Speaking!?! *sighs heavily* Most of us are not good at standing in front of people and talking...
Thinking about it enough to make us want to wet ourselves.

But, onward and upward, after all...change is good, challenge is good, becoming stronger is good.

It's all good.

Trust

Sometimes we have "episodes"...that's what we call blank spaces is what has currently/recently transpired.

Last night we had one. It's been awhile.

It goes something along the lines of one of said something out loud, that upset James, and then what ensues is...well...last night a lot of crying, among other things, that we won't write about...
|We threatened to leave; we weren't "allowed" to leave the house because of our "fragile mental state".

Everything was fine, the last thing that we remembered was having a conversation about the right way to pronounce the last name of a British actor, and then cut to us making a remark about our birthday as James seemingly angrily put his laptop on the coffee table and went to bed.

We could tell something was wrong. He was angry. We went to bed and irrationally started to cry.

The conversation that ensued is really boring, but in the end we decided to go sleep on the sofa. We were confused, was not sure why he was upset and being so cold.

Later, on the sofa, after some argument we came to find out that one of us had said something mean, and it had upset him. We had no memory of it. None. We freaked out. It's been a long time since this has happened.

Sobbing in his arms, he held us.

Today on the way to work we realized just how much trust goes into a relationship when one person has a "condition" like ours, from our end.

We trust him, in times of confusion, that what he claims has happened is true and accurate. Which, is a feat sometimes, because his short term memory is shit...and ours, usually, is pretty stellar.

Bottom line: People who get into a relationship with those who have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or anyone with a mental health issue, should be mindful of the the kind of trust being laid upon them.

That's why it's always important to be honest and upfront about those kinds of things.
Not everybody is ready for that kind of responsibility.